Why Are "Difficult Conversations" Difficult?

You know, the conversation that you have been putting off for weeks now?

?The conversations that turn your stomach just at the thought of it!

?The conversation that you have set up but dread as the date draws ever closer!

?These are the conversations that fall in the category of “difficult”. BUT WHY?

?In my interactions with leaders and employees at all levels, I have identified at least five reasons for leaders referring to these conversations as “difficult” or “challenging” or in some cases even “fierce”.

?1.????Emotionally Triggering

When we are faced with challenging situations such as performance, non-compliance, or repeated transgressions, we develop an emotional charge around that situation. This simply means just thinking about or reflecting on the situation results in strong feelings such as anger, frustration, resentment, etc. And often we do not know how to regulate or manage those emotions.

?2.????High stakes

A high-stakes situation is one that can impact either party negatively. Situations such as disciplinary action, loss of bonus, or even employment termination are high-stakes situations. Although the majority of conversations we need to have do not fit in any of the abovementioned categories, situations such as the impact on the team, the culture, and relationships also result in apprehension to face tough conversations head-on.

?3.????Courage

Many leaders confess: “I simply do not have the courage. When scratching the surface just a little, statements such as: “I do not like conflict”, or “I do not want to upset people” or even “I do not want to feel like I am picking on them”. All of these statements have one thing in common: Mindset. The mindset that somehow having a difficult conversation is fighting, criticizing, or making the other person wrong.

?4.????FEAR

Finally, the big one. The one overriding emotion that many leaders feel in the wake of taking on a challenging conversation is fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of making the situation worse. Fear of being challenged. Fear of how they will be perceived. This often leads to avoidance, procrastination, or leaders just simply ignoring the problem and hoping it will resolve itself. But, more often than not, challenging situations do not magically disappear. In fact, they often just escalate. The best solution in the face of situations that simply MUST be addressed is to face it head-on, in the shortest time possible time, and with courage, skill, and a clear purpose.

?5.????Skill

One of the biggest obstacles to leaders having productive, effective, difficult conversations is rather simple: They simply do not feel equipped to have the conversation without “making a mistake”. Leaders will often say: “I just do not know how to” or, ?“the last time I had a difficult conversation, things did not go as I expected”. The truth is, the ability to have a difficult conversation is a mindset and skill that can be learned and mastered.

?Which of these five challenges resonates with you?

?If you battle to step out of your comfort zone and deal with challenges in your team or any other relationships head-on, remember you have the ability to transform your mindset and master this important skill.