"Why Didn't You Just Leave?"

"Why didn't you just leave?"

Many studies have proven it takes an average of 8 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. So why don't abuse victims just leave?

Speaking from experience, there are many reasons but these are at the top of my list:

1. Your abuser has completely and utterly broken you at the soul level rendering you a mere shell of the person you used to be. You exist in a perpetual state of survival mode, unable to make rational decisions or choices. Your only thoughts are about preparing and bracing yourself to endure the next "beating" (whether mental, physical, emotional, or all of the above).

2. Leaving an abusive situation is by far the most dangerous time in the whole relationship. Up to 75% of domestic violence murders happen during or shortly after the victim leaves.

3. Many abusers successfully cut the victim off or prevent them access to people, places, and things that could save them (surprisingly, statistics show there are far fewer resources and assistance for abuse victims than we may think - I found that out the hard way).

Here's a key sentence from an article on Psychology Today:

"Victims of domestic violence are consistently asked why they didn’t just leave unsafe relationships, suggesting they hold some responsibility for the violence because of their “choice” to stay." (imagine feeling like you're responsible for the abuse inflicted upon you?)

This is one of the best analogies I've read that perfectly reflects what it's like to be in an abusive relationship and what it's like to try to leave - and why it's so difficult:

Imagine sharing a prison cell with someone who is bigger, stronger, and more violent than you. Your cell mate was once kind and charming, and your best friend. However, he has slowly over time become controlling, emotionally and financially abusive, and violent.

The prison guards are limited in what they can do, and your cell mate threatens to kill you or have your family harmed if you relocate to another cell – and you believe him. Even if you were to relocate to another cell, you’re still stuck in the same prison with him.

When you reported the threats and violence in the past, the guards either did nothing, or your cell mate’s punishment was a slap on the wrist. Once, you were charged as the abuser and punished just for defending yourself. To survive, you now “manage” your cell mate by keeping him happy, and the cycle of abuse has slowly become your “new normal.”

That, my friends, is the reality of domestic violence for far too many women.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND: Abuse victims DO NOT stay in abusive situations because they WANT to.

In my own domestic violence situation years ago, I was married to what I would later discover, was a diagnosed sociopath. Police were involved numerous times but because the abuser was so skilled at convincing everyone around the situation that there was absolutely nothing wrong (and painted me as the "crazy one"), I wholeheartedly believed I had nowhere to turn.

I was stripped of any form of asset except my personal belongings. When I did finally get out, my only option in the beginning was to scrounge money as best I could to stay in hostels in very dangerous areas because all the shelters were consistently full. I relied on the kindness of strangers. At my lowest point, I truly believed I wasn't going to make it.

When I moved to Los Angeles in 2013, I was a self-sufficient successful and thriving author, speaker, and entrepreneur. Fast forward 5 years later and I was sitting on the curb of a gas station with what was left of my belongings, trying to figure out what to do next.

I had no family to ask for help. I had filed numerous police reports but they did nothing to save me. I reached out to crisis lines who recorded and sympathized with what I told them. I contacted a community domestic violence connection for assistance. Nothing happened. No one saved me. I felt so worthless and hopeless.

A young woman who was getting gas approached me and offered to help. She was heading to work but she stayed with me, got on the phone to 211 to find a shelter, but they were all filled to capacity. So, she sent me across the street to Starbucks to use the wifi with my computer. She told me she would put all my things into her car and take them to work.

She asked me if I thought I could find someone or some way to gather enough funds to book a night at a hostel. I told her I would do whatever it took. She told me to call her after I booked a hostel and she would bring my stuff to the hostel after work. She did exactly that.

My journey had only just begun at that point and it still continues today. The road to healing after these monsters annihilate you is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, ever.

So, to tell a person involved in a domestic violence situation to "Just Leave" is the cruelest and most ignorant statement of all.

Everyone and every situation is different.

Edit: And telling the abused to "Let it go, it's in the past. Stop living in the past. You'll only move forward when you do" is denying them fact that they deserve and need the time to heal. Don't make them feel guilty for needing and trying their?best to heal. It's a long, painful journey but it has to be walked through at your own pace and time. No one can tell you what the right way is for you.