"WHY DIDN’T SHE JUST LEAVE?"

As the world observed International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, India continued to reel from the shockwaves caused by the gruesome murder of Shradha Walkar by her partner. While the nature of the murder itself has brought about reactions of varying kinds– from shock to anger and sadness, there are five words that comprehensively demonstrate how little we truly understand about emotional abuse.

“Why didn’t she just leave?”

Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience when I say that not only is this question a gross oversimplification of the whole situation, it also shows the incorrect assumption people carry while asking this question. That abusive relationships begin by being abusive. How easy would it be to detangle yourself if only a relationship showed signs of abuse right from the beginning. These relationships however, begin like any other relationship– with hope and tenderness.?

It usually starts with love bombing, where the idea is to give excessive attention, adoration and to create an image of oneself usually very early on in the relationship with the idea of creating dependence. Iit isnt to say that all relationships that move with this pace and intensity are abusive and it could all be as innocent as two people falling hopelessly for each other, love bombing can be used as a way to manipulate, especially in light of the fact that the recipient feels so validated and loved. While all relationships begin with the simple intention of putting the best foot forward, this goes a step further in an abusive relationship. An idealized image is created with the intention of gaining power over the ones being pursued. While this may feel ideal and perfect for months, once the abuser realises that they have the desired control over the other person, the slow process of isolation begins. The idea is to create complete and thorough dependence on the abuser.?

In my case personally, this translated to my abuser making sure that I no longer had any real connections outside of the relationship, be it with friends or family. By the time the isolation is complete, the fa?ade of this ideal person suddenly drops. What ensues is manipulation and gaslighting and tantrums any time the abuser feels like they’re losing control of the one abused. By this time the person being manipulated is already in too deep and assumes that this is just a rough patch and that the ideal person that they fell for not too long ago will be back with just a bit of patience. Love after all isn’t supposed to be easy, right??

As a society and a culture we’re not taught to give up on relationships. We’re in fact taught by our family that you can't give up on relationships. “Beta, you have to adjust/compromise”,. We’ve all heard our parents rant about how this generation gives up on their partners too easily.?

In reiterating this over and over again, what message are we really sending out? That you try as hard as you can because nothing is worse than ending a relationship and being lonely or starting with someone new, all over again. That our identities are tied with having a significant other. Why is it then such a shocker that she, like many others, didn’t just leave? Apart from the systematic disintegration of mental health and the sheer isolation that is brought about by emotional abuse, we aren’t exactly brought up to think that we are complete individuals in the absence of romantic relationships.

By the time emotional abuse leads to physical violence, the person so abused has had their spirit fractured little by little to the extent that they’re really just a skeleton of the person that began the relationship. This is furthered by the survivor internalising the blame for all that happened. Sad as it may be, by the end of my abusive relationship, the only thought I had in my head was “It was my fault”.? Add to this the fact that they now have nobody to turn to, it's no wonder that they stay.?

What adds salt to the wound is that society still expects the woman to be the one to take action in this situation. It is the one who has been bruised and battered who is still expected to get up and take charge and walk out. The conversations rarely revolve around creating enough discussion about emotional abuse so it can be recognised and understood. The blame is instead put on the abused for not leaving, as if it was the lack of willpower that prevented them from getting out.?

We can have innumerable campaigns to prevent violence against women but speaking only about physical violence is as good as addressing half the problem. These campaigns can bring about little to no good in the absence of recognition of the silent battles fought by those who struggle in the confines of emotionally abusive relationships. It isn’t about willpower. It never was. If these people could leave, they would. If I could leave sooner, I would have. Asking this over and over again is yet another form of victim blaming. It's taken a while for us all to move away from blaming the survivors of physical violence, do the survivors of emotional abuse then not deserve the same treatment? If we just took the judgment away from those stuck in this cycle of abuse, then maybe, just maybe we can help them realise that they’re not all that alone in their suffering. Then maybe this discussion would simply be an academic exercise and? not an article commiserating those we have lost.