WHY DID KATE AND ANTHONY DO IT; MAYBE #DEPRESSION

Tragically there are two recent suicides of big name celebrities, Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Admittedly, I must admit I was not a big fan of either as celebrities, however, I can identify with both.  I hear people say, “How can people do that to themselves?” A little secret I have is that although I am not them I sure can identify with them completely. I have been there. There is a place I do not like thinking about anymore, but at one time I am afraid I liked that place very much even though it caused me unimageable pain to the depths of my soul. If you have never felt it, count your blessings. It is a place of despair and hopelessness. I get a cold shiver up my back just remembering.  

Although, I cannot know Anthony and Kate’s exact thoughts at the time of their deaths, I have been so very close to doing the same to myself! Once I actually had the gun within reach and was reaching for it when I hesitated and prayed. That prayer saved my life! When I hear that question, people ask above I always think to myself in response, “I pray you never know the answer to that question!” That place is so very dark but yet enticing too. 

The medical term is #Depression. My kind is called “#Common or Chronic Depression”. It sure does not feel “common”, because you feel like the sadist person in the world. I have suffered from my own Depression for most of my adult life. I have had low periods my entire life but the first time I think I actually felt depressed was when I was 16. The older I got the more “low” I got and the more often it happened. Each time physically felt like I was in an elevator and the cable pulling me up just snapped and I was in free fall. As I got older I could feel the drop, I actually felt my mood fall. I would finally feel like I was in a big hole and could not just jump out. Most times I could “gut it out” and just crawl back up to relative normal. However, in my late 40’s the elevator went so far down that I could barely crawl out hole and it got harder and harder. It got to the point it would take every ounce of strength I had to pull myself out, so much so that it felt like it would be so much easier just take the easy way out, and end it all!   

What is so insidious about this condition is that you become more and more self-centered! You feel so bad that you shut out the others in your life just when you need them most! These people want to help you but you shut them out! You feel like no one else can feel as bad as you! Soon it becomes all about you. You are in a rut and you cannot help yourself, little lone help someone else! It is almost like the strongest drug you can ever feel. In some weird way you do not want to feel better, because you get comfortable with it, it is what you know!  In some strange way you know all this but you just wallow in your own pain. You feel inadequate because you cannot help yourself. 

Finally, after literally having the gun in my hand, I realized I had no choice but to get help or kill myself! I was lucky because I made the right choice but it was the biggest fight of my life! Society in a way does not help because many people when they here “#Depression” think “Crazy.” It took a long time for me to realize I was not crazy I was sick. With family, friends, and a power greater than myself (in my case God) I was able to keep at it. But man-oh-man it was hard!

I went to eight doctors and therapists and was put on many different drugs. At first, I went to a group of like-minded people which really helped me get started. I was hypnotized, had sun light therapy, and rapid light therapy. I had one therapist that tell me I had been sexually abused as a child, but no matter how much I tried I could remember no such abuse. I remember when I was diagnosed as having #Dysthymic Depression or Chronic Depression which meant I just got “Depressed.” I actually felt cheated because I felt as though the people that were Manic or Bi-Polar at least got to feel “high” some of the time. I just got depressed with no “highs”, thus I was cheated. That is how my mind twisted things around on you! Both kinds of conditions are bad and I would not wish either one on anyone!

This voice inside of me, would keep telling me that I was no good! I would set unrealistic expectations for myself and fall short. I love to play basketball, but if I missed a shot instead of just thinking little of it, I would blame myself. I would get feedback at work that was for my own good but turn it around into how stupid I was or inadequate, I called that voice “my demon”.   

My father was bi-polar, schizophrenic, and an alcoholic.  Medical Science is still learning about genetics in all this. I prayed and prayed I would not end up like my dad and promised I would kill myself if I was like him. I did not want to put my own family through what I had been through as a child. So, when I was diagnosed as being “Depressed” I did panic. I actually thought it would be better if the doctor told me I had terminal cancer. However, I am not my father, I never got as bad as my dad. I never saw things that were not really there or drank to the determent of my permanent health. Although, I do not remember my Dad wanting to kill himself (except through Alcohol and Tobacco). My father died from the cumulative effects of Alcoholism and Throat Cancer.  I was told by one therapist I was a work alcoholic and was a “dry drunk” meaning I had the tendencies of an alcoholic but never became addicted to alcohol. It was not from the lack of trying sometimes, but apparently seeing what my dad and our family went through as a child was just enough to hold my alcohol consumption back so that I did not get hooked on the drug, alcohol. I always loved my father but did not respect him and really did not like him much. Only a feeling that the child of an alcoholic can truly identify. In his later life my father did the 12-Steps and had 15 years of sobriety. He also helped a lot of other people in AA, but then my sisters and I had grown up and the damage was done. When I learned about my illness I learned more about his, which helped me to forgive him, he was sick too.    

Through a lot of therapy, I was able to learn to cope with depression. I began to learn the triggers. I had made the tragic and classis mistake of equating my self-worth with the success of my career and athletic prowess. When it was clear my career had waned, and plateaued at a level far below my expectations I felt like a failure. I was 6’4” and loved basketball but somehow was short on coordination, I kept playing all I could but I was always the last one picked for a team. But I never quit any of it and kept trying! Everything my wife and I have we earned and we were never given anything by our parents! We bought a house and helped all three of our daughters with their educations and careers. Sometimes I worked 60-70 hours a week. I am not trying to brag but trying to point out I was measuring myself on the wrong things. I was a great provider and except for the time I was mired in Depression a wonderful husband and father! It is those times I was mired in Depression I feel I was not there for my wife and my girls sometimes when they needed me! That I feel very guilty about!  In my career I made a good living for my family and helped lots of people. I had to make some decisions that hurt individuals by terminations but it was always for the greater good. On the whole I always tried to help and protect all my employees the best I could!  I can look myself in the mirror. If I hurt someone it was never on purpose or with malice.  When I learned to measure myself against the things in life that really counted like being a good husband, father, provider, and friend I could easily live better with myself. I also learned to play basketball just for the joy it brought me not for any accolades I felt like I needed. I was astounded to learn I played a lot better too!   

I found the drugs slowed things down some. Before the medication when things started to go downhill it was a like a snowball going downhill. The more it lasted the bigger and faster it rolled downhill.   The drug seemed to slow things down. I could catch myself and ask, “Now really it cannot be all that bad! Take a deep breath and think this all through I do not think it is that bad!” By slowing things down, I could keep the Demon in check! It no longer a Big Deal I did not make Vice President or the NBA. 

I also learned that stress allowed that the demon in me to try to surface! That Demon would tell me I was no good and a failure! If I could keep the four pillars of my life balanced, the Physical (Body), Mental (Mind), Spiritual (Relationship to the Universe), and Emotions (the Inner Me) centered I could defeat anything. It was only when I got off center was I susceptible to that Demon. Keeping emotion was the hardest to keep centered. But, if I stayed centered I was great! I learned this from one of my favorite therapists a MS Addiction Therapist/Counselor and an Ojibway Medicine Man. As far as the sports and especially basketball it finally hit me when I was about 60 years old that I could still do all those things it took to play and how many 60-year old men could say that? I was also to find that being in shape was to help save my life in a way I never imagined!   

Even so with all the therapy and drugs there were times I would fall back into a depressed state. In July 2013, I went through an experience that almost cured me of depression.  I had a procedure where a doctor used a laser in my chest. What happened and why is an entirely different story in itself. However, my wife and I were on vacation three weeks later traveling through Buffalo, WY when I collapsed. At their little hospital I leaned there was a dime sized hole in my esophagus near my heart and the top of my heart was burned so that it was about to burst. Water and food had leaked into my chest and was causing my entire chest cavity to be filled with infection which if it burst I would be massively septic and die. I could die at almost any moment. I was life flighted by jet 650 miles to the University of Colorado at Denver. After testing the doctors told me they were not sure exactly what to do but they had to do something and very quickly! 

It was about 6:00 PM and I asked how long the surgery would be. They said 4-6 hours. I asked what my chances were and they looked at each other and said, “We do not know. We just do not do surgeries like this, first one for both of us. It is grave is the best we can tell you!”  I told them that I needed a second. They reminded me that we had to go, every second was critical. If my heart blew out I would be dead in seconds, if the infection burst open I had only a little more time!  

I said, “Well you are just going to have to wait a couple minutes I got to pray!” I then closed my eyes and said, “God I am not going to beg for my life as it is what it is! I have let you down I know, and I am sorry! I know you have a plan for all things and I am but just part of that plan. So, your will be done, I am OK with all that. Please just look over my family and friends!” I immediately felt as if my body was filled with warm water and I was covered with a warm blanket, I opened my eyes and said, “Well let’s go!” I knew for whatever time I had left that things would be OK, God was with me!

I woke up 12 hours later after 10 hours of surgery. I felt them pulling my breathing tube out. As I looked up from my huge swollen feet I counted ten tubes sticking out of my body! The doctors were standing there and told me that I was still in grave condition, that they had repaired the hole, my heart, and tried to clean out as much infection as they could. However, some of the infection had gotten into my system. They also said I had died a couple times in surgery and had brought me back. They told me that because I was not a smoker and in great physical shape I had survived and that they felt I had a chance. Further they explained that if I survived the next week or so I had at least one more obstacle to get through. They reported that they had taken rib muscle off and used it to seal the hole in my throat. They hoped it would seal but were not sure it would work. I would not be able to eat or drink anything for 6-8 weeks until it healed, if it healed. If it did not I would have to live through tubes the rest of my life. I asked what the chances of that were and they said they did not know again!

I kind of got upset with that and said with a firm voice, “God did not bring me through all this to live my life from tubes. God would have taken me on the table if he has that in mind on the table! I am telling you I want my life back. Most of all I LOVE to play basketball! I will be playing BASKETBALL before my 60th birthday in February!” And there were other unforeseen obstacles that I would have to overcome! It is a much longer story but for now by the grace of God I was playing basketball in late January and had my life back. I am not sure why God chose for me to live when he could have just have easily taken me but to waste the life I now have on depression just seems sinful! I want to think some good came to all that experience. All the fight and crawling back would seem wasted if I spent any part of my life wallowing in depression any longer! Life is to short, and every day I live now is one I probably should not have had! 

Even through all that I know that DEMON is still there! He will always be there! Now I have the tools and experience to keep him in check. But he is always there ready to pounce! I could never have done it without my family, friends, doctors, therapists, and clergy! However, I know most of all I have to thank God. At one time I almost had the gun in my hand but I asked him to give me the strength to crawl into bed and fight!  Another I just asked him to take over. He did both and I am forever grateful. I now get to make amends with my grandkids! I wish Anthony, Kate, and all those others who fought their Demon and lost had been able to fight and win! It is so easy to let the Demon win. The temptation is unimaginably hard to overcome, it is so much easier to just give up! I was able to stare the Demon down but always have to remain vigilant he is will always be there!  I am a practicing Catholic and know there is the “One Un-Pardonable Sin,” so maybe that “Demon” is the “Devil!”

When I hear someone has committed suicide I remember the story (see below) of the Two Wolfes first told to me my Ojibway Medicine Man Therapist. In it is tells the story of two wolves in a man’s heart. One of fear and one of courage. It is so hard to feed the right one. I pray more people have the courage to feed the right one!

I do not know exactly whey Kate and Anthony did what they did to themselves exactly! No one can unless you walked in their shoes. All I know is it is the worse feeling imaginable and how I felt! I will continue to pray of them, their families, and everyone else that has suffered from the same problem! RIP friends!  I pray others can learn from my experience and theirs!  

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

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