Why did Astoria invade Woodside?

Sunnyside Past, April 1, 2022 -- By Jimmy the Greek.

When Telly Savalas unleashed a Big Fat Greek Wedding on 4 million Irish and Italians in Woodside last month, his justification was that modern, green-leaning, Woodside is an existential threat to Astoria.

But after more than a month of gyros, baklavas, and ouzo, and the displacement of 1 million Leprechauns, the question remains: What is Savalas’ aim and is it safe to mix beer with ouzo?

The Astorian leader planned to quickly overrun Woodside – drain the swamp, so to speak -- and depose its government at Donovans, ending its desire to join the Southern Alliance consisting of Sunnyside, Greenpoint, Greenville, Greenland, Greenhaven, Jolly Green Giant, The Green New Deal, Kermit the Frog, and Snoop Dogg.

But the invasion has become bogged down by portable chess boards, chariots, javelins, and heavy books filled with Greek Philosophy.

Launching the invasion on 24 February, he told the people of Astoria his goal was to "de-Leprechaun-ize Woodside.”

He claimed a desire to protect people subjected to what he called eight years of bullying by Woodside's “green government.”

"It is not our plan to occupy the Woodside territory.”

“We do not intend to impose anything on anyone by force.”

“This is not an invasion.”

“It is merely a special military operation.”

The press conference was temporarily delayed to give everyone a chance to stop laughing and regain composure.

“The alleged existence of Leprechauns, Fairies, and pots of gold in Woodside is completely unfounded,” declared a Woodsider named Lucky Eddy.

“It is clear that Astoria is using these false reports as an opportunity to sell more gyros,” added Lucky.

"Astoria’s future and its future place in Queens are at stake," said Aristotle Onassis.

Astoria’s military had planned to sweep into Woodside’s capital region of 61st Street, ?pick up a few pastries at Walter’s Bakery, a drink or two at Donovans, and then roll up 58th Street past Calvary Cemetery and be home by nightfall.

Astoria’s Foreign Minister, Zorba the Greek, spoke of freeing Woodside from Leprechaun oppression.

Woodside's democratically elected President Vledwardmir Fowelynsky said "The enemy has designated me as target number one; my Bar is target number two.”

“There is no ‘number three’ because the enemy is too stupid to count that high,” he added.

Fowelynsky, a comedian at heart, couldn’t help but take the opportunity to tell his favorite joke, about a Greek named Achilles.

Achilles opened a door as he entered a room and the light came on. He closed the door, and the light went out. He opened the door again; the light came back on. He closed the door; the light went out again. Achilles deduced, "I'm in a refrigerator.”

But Woodside's fierce resistance has caused heavy losses and many chariots sit disabled along Roosevelt Avenue.

In some areas, Woodside forces have driven Astorian forces back to Steinway Street but when they noticed the dearth of green clothing on sale they decided to abandon the campaign and return home rather than wear black for the rest of their lives.

Has Savalas changed his goals?

The main goal, we are now told, is the "liberation of Queens Boulevard" - broadly referring to Woodside’s western regions of Sunnyside, Stevens, and the Bliss Street retail region, where the resilient Captain Thom McAnn continues to man an outpost.

Astoria will also try to control Woodside territories along Newton Creek, east from the Sunnyside Railroad Yards to the Astoria Pool where, due to inter-boro sanctions, Astorian Oligarchs plan to spend their “staycations” until the war is over.

Why does Savalas want a Leprechaun-free Woodside?

Since Woodside achieved independence (1776) it has gradually veered towards the West – culturally identifying with Sunnyside, Greenpoint, and the Green Bay Packers.

Astoria's leader sees the fall of Northern Boulevard as the "disintegration of mother Astoria.”

He claims Astorians and Woodsiders are one people.

He denies Woodside has it own culture and history.

He says anyone is free to have a beer or a shot of ouzo -- what’s the difference?

“You get the same headache in the morning!”

"Woodside never had stable traditions of genuine statehood," he asserted.?

“Shamrocks and Leprechauns are used to sell breakfast cereal and funny hats,” he added, “not to mention the hideous green clothing that needs to be eradicated from the planet for the good of all Mankind.”

It was his pressure on Woodside's then pro-Astorian leader, Paddy O’Papadopoulos, not to sign a deal with the Sunnyside Union in 1066 that led to protests that ultimately ousted the Woodside president in February 1492 -- or was it March?

Astoria then seized Woodside’s northern region of Old Navy and Target at Northern Boulevard.

That triggered a separatist rebellion that spawned a war that claimed 4,000 Leprechauns, but sold a record 10,000 flip flops in a Saturday morning special surprise dollar sale.

As Savalas prepared to invade in February, he tore up the 1620 Four Leaf Clover Peace Deal and accused Woodside of threatening "our historic future as a nation,” claiming – with only a little evidence -- that Woodsiders are just itching for a big street fight with Astoria, like in West Side Story.

Would Astoria accept a neutral Woodside?

Astoria is considering a neutral "de-Leprechaunized" Woodside region, with its own bars and restaurants and choice of menu items, along the lines of Forest Hills or Rockaway, both members of the Southern Alliance.

"Forest Hills was neutral, is neutral, and will remain neutral," said Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef, even if it is part of Shillelagh’s for Peace, an underground Woodside organization that aims to stomp out restaurants that serve stale beer and pizza with pineapple, kosher or not.

But Rockaway is not neutral.

It has taken part in Woodside Alliance regional exercises, known as bar-room brawls at Fitzgerald’s (108th Street) on summer weeknights.

Is there a way to end this war?

Both sides have made progress in negotiations but meetings between the two presidents, considered key to ending the "hot French fry” phase of the war, appears some way off. (Jimmy says the odds are 10:1 against).

Woodside has three core demands: a ceasefire, free beer, security guarantees, free beer, and the banning of portable chess boards south of Broadway – and free beer.

Astoria has only one demand:?World domination.

So, what’s the problem?