Why Dating is an Important Recovery Step After Narcissistic Relationships

I wrote a post recently that ruffled some tail feathers.

I said that dating again is an important part of recovery after narcissistic relationships.

And while many seemed to be in agreement, there were a large handful who were vehemently against this idea.

Stating that they’ll NEVER DATE again. Or that the idea of dating gives them major anxiety. (Understandable)

Or more responsibly, that you need to FULLY RECOVER FIRST before dating is an option.

I disagree.

? While I DO believe you need to use proven, consistent, research based methods for healing trauma with a trauma-informed therapist, coach or even support group…

? And I DO believe you need to wait a period of time that feels congruent for you BEFORE you step back into the dating arena…

I DO NOT believe you need to make a full recovery FIRST.

You will ALWAYS be recovering.

You will ALWAYS be a work in progress.

And I certainly don’t believe AVOIDING DATING completely for many, many years HEALS your pattern of attracting unavailable or narcissistic partners.

Avoiding dating does not heal trauma.

It is NOT a evidence-based method for healing c/PTSD, codependency or any other dysfunctional relationship pattern.

In fact, isolation, loneliness and keeping others at arm's’ length ( common in trauma survivors) often exacerbates c/PTSD, anxiety and trust issues.

I’ve spoken and worked with hundreds (HUNDREDS) of high achieving women over the years who’ve taken many YEARS off dating after a toxic Ex.

Only to fall for someone even more emotionally unavailable or narcissistic 5 or 10 years later. Many times worse than her Ex.

Avoiding dating is often a coping strategy to help you feel safe.

You used coping strategies inside a toxic relationship to ironically help you feel safe and get your needs met.

Things like avoiding your true feelings. Silencing your truth. Minimizing your needs. Ignoring your intuition and rationalizing away red flags.

Doing this for MANY years changes your brain wiring. It conditions you to live in a constant state of fight or flight. You might not feel like you’re running for your life every day…(or you might)...

But chronic anxiety, people-pleasing, having a hard time setting boundaries, procrastination, self-sabotage, biting off more than you can chew at work and bordering on overwhelm because you’re chronically busy…

Are all long term side effects that follow you around for many years, if not decades after narcissistic abuse or relational trauma.

Bottom line: swearing off dating or intimate relationships completely because you don’t want to be hurt again won’t heal this lifelong pattern.

You might be telling yourself ONE day I’ll date again. But you’ve been telling yourself that for the last 5 or 10 years.

I’m not saying this to be judgemental or harsh. I’m pointing this out because as we all use coping strategies and stories to stay safe.

And these coping strategies often LIMIT what’s possible for us.

Case in point: dating again or having a healthy intimate relationship.

While hundreds of thousands of women each day decide love isn’t worth it…

A small minority are doing the impossible. They’re healing their own fears. They’re working through their own trauma.

They’re rewiring their subconscious beliefs and relationship templates. They’re learning how to own their identity and set healthy boundaries.

They’re healing their anxious or avoidant attachment styles and conditioning secure attachment, clear, direct communication and VULNERABILITY in dating and relationships.

They’re fully TRUSTING THEMSELVES without agonizing anxiety or self doubt.

And they ultimately fall for a beautiful, incredible partner who completely breaks the mold.

Is this work EASY? HECK NO. It requires courage and massive commitment.

It requires redeveloping the relationship with YOU. What you stand for. The ways you hold yourself back in life and love. Your people-pleasing and codependency.

It requires total honesty and accepting responsibility for your own dysfunctional patterns in love.

And DECIDING to do something differently about it.

You COULD take 10 years off dating. You could swear off love for good. But inside still be traumatized, fearful, doubtful and mistrustful.

Avoidance is certainly an option. But didn’t you avoid A WHOLE LOT in your past relationships?

If you’re a single, successful, midlife woman who's ready to heal your own blocks to love and healthy relationships…

Ready to overcome narcissistic abuse trauma and reclaim your identity (and you’ve been out of that relationship for at least 3 months) book a free breakthrough call (www.bethanydotson.com/talk)

And we’ll be more than happy to see if we can help you past your fears and change the rest of your life.