Why cultivating new friendships is so hard

I’ve been struggling to build deep relationships and friendships in Houston.

Growing up in Florida, I was lucky to have made the best of friends. When I moved to Texas in 2015, it felt like I left a piece of my heart behind, and it’s never quite felt whole again.

I’ve had so many conversations with people who also seem to be struggling in the friendship department. Because of that, and because we know that the quality of our friendships directly impacts our well-being and happiness, I thought it was an important topic to discuss here.

After living in Houston for seven years, you’d think I’d have made some new friends by now, and I’ll admit I feel a little bit of shame in the fact that I haven’t. In my journey to cultivate new relationships, I’ve felt discouraged and, at times, lonely.?

But let’s look at these last seven years . . .

Before the pandemic, I was doing 200+ in-person events per year. I was constantly on planes and spent little time at home—not the best conditions for making friends.

On top of that, I was—and still am—gone every other weekend to see my bonus daughter in Michigan. These weekends are nonnegotiable for me because our time with her is already limited.

Even more, Spiros (my husband) and I both have demanding jobs. Our free time together is rare, so when we have it, I want to soak it up.

And then, you know, throw in a pandemic. Now, I’m doing even more events than before (most of them from behind the computer) and I’m traveling again.

So first, I own the fact that I don’t have the bandwidth or the capacity to cultivate new friendships right now. But here’s the truth: I don’t have the desire to. After the day is done, I just want to have time to myself and time with Spiros. During precious weekend time, I want to spend my days with my family.

It feels weird to say that I feel loneliness because of my lack of friendships here, and yet, I don’t have a desire to change it. Does anyone else feel that way? There’s something about the pandemic and the last two years that has led me to want to treasure the friendships and relationships I already have. I don’t want to put myself out there and meet new people. I’m at my emotional capacity.

And second, I realize that perhaps the expectations I am setting around my friendships is the reason I feel I don’t have the capacity for them right now.

In a recent coaching session, a client said something that really struck me: “There’s a difference between community and friendship.”

A friend is someone you can go on a walk with. Grab a coffee with. Go to dinner with. Get a pedicure with. A person who keeps you company. A person you can share your day with and catch up with. A person who might not know your whole history and the context of what came before you met, but who is still someone you can have an interesting conversation with and have a fun time being around. A person who might be with you for a season in your life.

A community, on the other hand, feels like home. Like you belong. The relationships where you don’t have to say anything at all, and yet, you get it. You know the depths of the history and the past and all that came before. Years can pass without catching up, and when you do, it feels like you never skipped a beat. Conversations can last for hours without even realizing it. Your community does life with you—all the ups, downs, and in-between. It feels like a friendship with a side of soulmate.

My friends in Florida are my community. My team is my community. And while I want that community here in Houston, too, if I’m being honest with myself . . . I don’t know if I have what it takes right now to build that. The thought of meeting new people and getting to know them on the same level as my other relationships feels daunting and overwhelming to me. I’m not in a place where I desire to invest that time and energy.?

And here’s the thing I’m starting to realize: It’s possible to lower our expectations for what friendship can be.

Not every relationship has to feel like your most treasured relationships. It’s possible—and normal—to have friendships with varying amounts of depth. It’s okay to look at your life and consider what you need and want in your relationships right now. It’s okay to value the friendships you already have and decide that you don’t want to invest energy in developing new ones. It’s okay to have friends who are more like acquaintances and friends who are more like soulmates. It’s okay to have ebbs and flows in friendships, especially when you are in different seasons. It’s okay to walk away from a friendship that isn’t serving you anymore. It’s okay to be in a season of life where you decide you want to spend more time inward. All of that is okay.

Maybe I will find my community here in Houston one day. But even if I don’t, it’s okay. I still have one. What I’m certain of is that I can find friendship. I can find someone to go on walks with or go to grab coffee with, and that’s where I’ll start.?

Thanks for listening. If you’ve been struggling with friendship, too, I hope this post helps you know you aren’t alone and gives you a different way to think about it.

Big hugs,

Kristen