Why Controlling Your Emotions Won't Help and What to Do Instead

As we've talked about, with this pandemic, we're all on a new S curve together. One we didn't anticipate. And with that comes a lot of troubling emotions.

Whenever we are pushed into something new, it feels scary. It's going to feel lonely. That is normal. You may be tempted to try and control your emotions to feel more stable, to feel more in control. But this might backfire and lead to more anxiety. Here are some things to remember and try instead:

REMEMBER: Emotions are signposts for what you value.

According to researcher Susan David, any feelings that you are feeling aren't good or bad feelings, they're clues about the things that matter most to you.

"Our emotions signpost our values. We don't intend to get upset or get angry or fearful or frustrated about stuff we don't care about. So if we just slow down a little bit and we say, 'What is this emotion telling me about what's important to me?'"

If you're having a lot of emotion at this time, give yourself some grace and instead of labeling those emotions as good or bad, get curious. The world as you knew it means something to you. And that's something to explore.

One of the most common emotions that could be coming up right now is grief. Grief for what has been lost. Grief for an old way of life. For more on this, I really loved this entire interview with David Kessler from Scott Berinato at HBR, but this part was particularly poignant, naming and noticing what we are feeling matters:

"We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air."

Naming our feelings can move us toward acceptance. And acceptance is where actual power lies. We find control in acceptance.

REMEMBER: Acceptance is a prerequisite for change.

Isn't that powerful? Acceptance is what helps us start to change.

Right now is our world is different today than it was six months ago. We might be feeling nostalgia for the way things were and frustration with the way things are.

But that frustration is not going to allow us to change. If we'll accept where we are - This is what it is. This is what it looks like now. What am I going to do then that will allow us to change? That will allow us that willingness to get to a place where we can disrupt ourselves so that we can manage through the disruption that's underway.

TRY: Decide how you want to show up each day.

Even if you name your feelings and acknowledge them. Even if you have accepted where you are, taking action may bring back all those overwhelming feelings again. But I'm here to tell you there is something you can do.

First, decide how you want to show up each day. Then, take one small step to move you closer to that vision. You may manage this by sticking to a simple routine - take your shower, brush your teeth, get dressed. Or, you may want to show up by doing something kind for someone today. Send dinner via delivery to a friend with toddlers at home. Text an encouraging note. and then do something kind for someone today. Reach out to someone that you think could use a helping hand, a kind smile, a kind gesture.

Another option - you can create an action board. That may seem counterintuitive - when we don't know what the future might hold, how can we envision it? And why should we? Psychiatrist and neuroscientist turned coach Tara Swart says that thinking of what you would love the future to be will prime your brain. Left to itself, the brain’s selective filtering mechanism focuses on things that are crucial to survival, and relegates everything else to the background.

But creating a vision board or an action board will remind your brain of the things you really want in life and prime your brain to pay attention to those things instead of focusing so much on survival. (She walked me through a vision board exercise in this episode of the Disrupt Yourself Podcast if you're interested in learning more. And I've started to work on my own board. This quote is one of the images I've chosen.)

Again, what is happening right now is hard. You're going to have troubling emotions. But there is a way through. Get curious about what you value. Accept where you are. Decide how you want to show up every day and take a step in that direction.

*****

If you enjoyed this article, here are two ways to stay in touch.

1. Sign Up for our newsletter–––a weekly dose of personal disruption read by tens of thousands of people across the globe. No spam. Just a newsletter meant to help you grow faster. Here's a sample.

2. Listen to the Disrupt Yourself podcast–––You may want to start with the episodes referenced above - Susan David and Tara Swart, as well as this episode about navigating uncharted waters and this episode with Cali Yost on rethinking where and how we work right now.

_______________

Whitney Johnson is the founder and CEO of WLJ Advisors, a boutique consultancy that helps leaders and the people they work with become fluent in the language of growth. Whitney is one of the leading management thinkers in the world, according to Thinkers50, the author of the bestselling Build an A Team and critically-acclaimed Disrupt Yourself, both published by Harvard Business Press. She is a world-class keynote speaker, frequent lecturer for Harvard Business School's Corporate Learning and an advisor to CEOs. She is a member of the original cohort of Dr. Marshall Goldsmith's 100 Coaches, and was selected as MG100 / Thinkers50 #1 Coach on Talent. Whitney has 1.8 million followers on LinkedIn, where she was selected as a Top Voice in 2018, and her course on Fundamentals of Entrepreneurship has been viewed more than 1 million times.