Why Confrontation is Kind and When to Make it Happen

Many of us—especially women—have learned some limiting beliefs about confrontation. The lie is that confrontation is mean, aggressive, and not nice. That lie has turned into quite the monster in our culture, preventing progress in workplaces and communities.

Sharon Hodde Miller, in her book Nice, records Dr. Christina Edmonson saying, “We are wooed by superficial niceness.” Aren't we? We want to be the nice boss or the nice co-worker. The desire to get along is good; it's the superficial niceness that limits our growth and hurts our relationships.

Caring confrontation is coming alongside, looking someone in the eye, and saying, “Let’s face this problem together.”

Confrontation’s Latin roots are “with” and “the face.” To confront someone demonstrates respect by coming to be with them to face a problem head-on. Caring confrontation is coming alongside, looking someone in the eye, and saying, “Let’s face this problem together.”

Caring confrontation walks in with bravery and vulnerability.

Clarity and concern.

Steady and warm.

Caring confrontation is facing someone, not getting in their face.

Caring confrontation is for the leader in the corner office. Caring confrontation is for the colleague whose desk is in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue (the basement for you non-West Wing fans). Caring confrontation is vital to all interpersonal relationships.

Caring confrontation is vital to all interpersonal relationships.

There are three positive results from caring confrontation.

Caring confrontation opens the opportunity to grow and change.

If no one ever told you cutting your toenails on a plane is disrespectful to other passengers, how could you change your behavior? (And if no one has, I AM telling you. Just no.)

While it's easy to assume people should know better, they often do not. They don't know you shouldn't text a candidate after a job interview, "It's yours!" if you aren't the HR professional who makes the offer. They don't know gossiping with clients about other co-workers is damaging.

Caring confrontation raises a concern and offers the opportunity to grow, change, and improve. In leadership, we often call this providing feedback or addressing issues or courageous conversations. Those are all forms of confrontation. Caring confrontation deals with the past in the present to preserve a better future.

Caring confrontation deals with the past in the present to preserve a better future.

Caring confrontation establishes boundaries and clarifies expectations.

I pretty much hate laundry. To avoid laundry as much as I can, I outsource it. To my children. Ok, part of it so they learn to be responsible adults, so there’s a win-win!

For most of the laundry, I have low expectations. Clean and put away. (If you want to roll your clothes in balls and walk around wrinkly, that’s all you, my love.)

In our house, we have a few corner closets with triangular shelves. Towels come falling out like a bad cartoon. To avoid the Mt. Vesuvius of linens, we have to fold the towels in a specific way. I have to get face-to-face with my family, not grumble around like a martyr, complaining they don’t know how to do anything. It is kindness to clarify my expectations and requests. 

Caring confrontation establishes boundaries and clarifies expectations. Friends, this is in ongoing! It’s not one-and-done! Effective leaders consistently clarify their expectations.

Effective leaders consistently clarify their expectations. Again, and again, and again.

Patrick Lencioni, organizational health expert, offers four steps to healthy cultures. Steps two through four are create clarity, overcommunicate clarity, and reinforce clarity. Brené Brown puts it this way: “Clear is kind.”

So, if you find yourself saying, “Ugh. They should know this!” it’s probably time for a caring confrontation to clarify expectations.

Caring confrontation helps keep bitterness at bay.

There are two broad categories of dealing with an issue—internally and externally.

In health, we always internally process through an issue. That’s recognizing our emotions and choosing a response toward resolution. Sometimes the resolution stays internal. You decide it is more your adjustment that needs to happen. You forgive and overlook.

Many times, the healthiest response moves toward externally dealing with an issue. Caring confrontation is the external process of resolution. It’s seeing the problem as a broken object, facing a person to hold it up and saying, “I think this is broken. Can we fix this together?” 

Caring confrontation says to the other person, “I think this is broken. Can we fix this together?”

When we stop at the internal process when we should move on to external, resentment slides in like a troll in your DMs. And it brings its friend bitterness.

Bitterness hisses, “They should have just known. You deserve better. I can’t believe they behave that way.” Resentment builds a wall that becomes ever-more challenging to scale. That may feel comforting. You might even convince yourself it’s fair. 

But in truth, the stubbornness of not confronting only further divides.

It looks like avoiding someone’s texts. Wanting to move to another department, even though you love your work. Gossiping. Snarky comments. Putting on a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. It feels like discontentment, low-level annoyance, being trapped and pensive.

Caring confrontation blocks bitterness from gaining a foothold.

Caring confrontation blocks bitterness from gaining a foothold.

Even writing this, I’ve realized there is a situation I thought I had internally processed and let go. Yet, this person keeps coming back to my mind. So, now I have a choice: can I truly let go, or do I need to confront? Bitterness has started a little taproot in my life, and I need to dig it out.

Caring confrontation is kind to you and others.

What do you think about confrontation? Is there someone you need to face?

I have a decision tree, Three Times to Confront, which can help you decide when your internal processing needs to move to the external.

Let's move past the lie that confrontation is unhelpful. Choose bravery and kindness. Serve others with an opportunity to grow. Clarify your expectations. Don't let bitterness ruin your team, workplace, or organization. Confrontation is kind.

Jenn is a speaker, storyteller, independent writer, editor, communications professional, activator, coach, and all-around joy-bringer. She speaks and writes on conflict resolution, social media, communication, and leadership. With years of experience in teaching, coaching, and connecting people, Jenn helps leaders gain practical communication, conflict resolution, and leadership skills so they can effectively serve their teams and do good work in the world. Find more resources at jennwhitmer.com. #conflictisopportunity