Why complimenting wrong is hampering you at work and what you can do to fix it

The secret in the workplace, any workplace, is to build allies. If you are the new or junior person, a rite of passage for you is to be invited to the all elusive cigarette or coffee break from work. The break is all important is say that you matter to the firm and thus to us.

Working your way into the ‘break’ requires smooth networking. Apart from the cheery ‘Good Morning’ or ‘Afternoon’ whatever the case may be, you also need to work on the art of the compliment.

The compliment is something that most people get wrong, especially in India, as often they turn into fawning and thus saying things that untrue. The other problem is that if used too often, they find a way to weaken your authority as consciously or unconsciously you acknowledge the other person’s superiority over your own.

As a result, a number of people remain ‘cold’ and eschew compliments altogether which is a big mistake, because if used right, it can be a stepping stone to fame in the workplace

It’s not about the compliment 

The funny things that most people don’t get is that their colleagues don’t need a compliment to feel that you are a great guy. Just talking is enough. A colleague of mine has this down to a knack. She will sit at her desk when you come in but after a time she will come at a natural time and engage in talk that she feels is appropriate for you. For instance, if she knows that I hate a particular work task, she will quietly bring it into the conversation without complimenting me.

Here the conversation:

Her: I saw you were quite busy yesterday

Me: Yes, I was working on Xxx task

Her:  I know, it’s quite tough. The girl before you worked here, it drove her crazy.

Me: I know how she feels. How did she do?

Her: She struggled with it for a time but it took her quite a while to get the hang of it

If you read the conversation back you will find that lot of tacit and hidden compliments have been made in a seemingly innocuous conversation. First, she has complimented my work skills without saying so. Second by contrasting me with the girl she has implied that I am diligent and pick up things fast. Note the word implied she hasn’t said any of this. But this is what I have picked up and am more friendly towards and more welcoming of her presence.

The ‘non-compliment’

As I talked about before, most people compliment others, especially the boss, on any and everything. This lessons the value of the compliment because it devalues it and shows that you do not mean what you say.

Direct compliments, whether you are a boss or the new boy in town, should be given grudgingly and should be kept as short as possible. Tone, and this is very important should be neutral, make the person work for the approval and on occasion withhold it.         

I worked with an ex-colleague who was and is a master at this and I do believe his ability to withhold compliments was part of the secret of his success. His ability to withhold compliments frustrated people who gave him heightened importance and constantly looked for ways to impress him.

Of course to win with this, you have to be good at your work, and he was. But the art of withholding compliments, I believed helped him work. When he took to entrepreneurship, I never heard him say a word that wasn’t true it was always – ‘I want to tie up with you because you are the biggest player and I have the reach to do xxx. The truth helped.

Eliciting smiles

Finally, if you are going to pay a compliment, always think why you are doing it, what is the end goal. The end goal, should always be to make the person smile. Too many compliments kill the smile and induce boredom because they are predictable.

So how do you make a person smile? You will often not get it done by telling a person, ‘great article’ or ‘I am a big fan’, people who are successful often have king-sized egos so such a compliment is seen as false or tuned out. Instead you have to work harder to elicit the smile and here is one of the ways you could do that              

Me:  Good morning

He: Good morning

Me: You know your article has get me in trouble!

He: How come?

Me: Well, it led me to wondering

He: Wondering what?

Me: Wondering just how I can come up with a better one

Ok: This sort of compliment is for someone you know and clearly will not work in a more formal setting. But look at the set up – you have praised the person while propped yourself up as well. This should create a smile but also make it clear that you are no pushover. That is perhaps the most important lesson of all.

Compliments, or rather non-compliments, are tricky things and they may not always succeed. But if used right they can help make you a likeable and, more importantly, successful person in the office.

Good Luck!