Why comparing yourself with others will keep you stuck

Comparing ourselves with others is a natural instinct. We have an overwhelming desire to fit in because our primitive brain tells us that we have to be accepted in order to survive. This was certainly true for our ancestors and that instinct has stayed with us.

We therefore compare ourselves because we want the reassurance that we are doing everything right and will be accepted. However, that can lead to a sense of failure if we don’t match up to what we perceive everyone else is achieving.

The key word there is ‘perceive’. We are drawn to the most prominent or successful people, but it is helpful to remember that you will always be behind some people and ahead of others.

Do you really want to be the same?

The first question to ask is ‘Do I want to be the same as everyone else?’ Whilst this might have been helpful in days gone by, or indeed as a child, it probably isn’t such a desired outcome now. Your differences are what make you stand out - in both your personal and professional life.

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” Shannon L. Alder
        

If you are researching a topic you are interested in, or a skill you want to develop, you are going to look at people who have already achieved what you are looking for. You want to know how they achieved it, right? But that means they have more experience: of course you are not there yet, so don’t judge yourself against where they are.

It’s also worth reminding yourself that whatever you see on social media is just what someone wants to portray. It may have very little connection with reality. So you could be comparing yourself with an illusion.

Self-esteem is key

When you truly accept who you are and feel good about yourself, what other people say and do has much less of an impact. Good self-esteem comes from within but is like walking around in an invisible protective bubble. You can stay true to yourself, and how you view yourself, no matter what is going on around you.

If you struggle with self-esteem, you may need some help. You weren’t born with low self-esteem; it’s something that got whittled away over time. The work I do is all about going back to the root cause. Your subconscious stores all the answers, so we just have to go back and find out how, where, when and why your self-esteem was diminished. Then we can change the way you feel about those events and the way you feel about yourself.

If you are not yet ready for one-to-one work, you can start the process by becoming aware of any negative thoughts. Most of us don’t even notice how badly we talk to ourselves on a regular basis. Becoming mindful of this is the first step to being able to change it. You can then catch a negative thought and change it into something more realistic.

For example, I never realised how often I called myself ‘stupid’, especially when I had forgotten to do something. Now if I ever have that thought, I laugh and tell myself I’m not stupid, I’m just busy!

The only opinion that really matters is yours

Nine people could say something positive about you, but the tenth person’s criticism is what you will remember. Our negativity bias can make it way too easy to accept their critical view as being true. Then the voice of your own inner critic joins in, “Of course it’s your fault”, “There’s no way you are up to this job”, “Don’t share your ideas: they are bound to be rubbish”.

Always recognise that other people’s words are just their opinion. Just because they have said something, it doesn’t mean it’s true or accurate.

Opinions can only harm us if we give the person expressing them agency and let the words in.

However, your mind will always give far more weight to the words you say to yourself. For that reason, the only opinion that really matters is the opinion you have of yourself.

If your mind is prepared to accept false opinions, you might as well make what it hears positive! Even if you don’t believe what you are saying, start talking to yourself in a much more positive way and your mind will start to let it in.?

Christmas is coming ??

There is always so much to do if you celebrate Christmas, and it can be a particularly challenging time if you are open to comparison. But you managed last Christmas and you will this year too. It all comes together somehow, so just do whatever works for you.?

To help reduce the stress that many of us feel leading up to the big day, I created an alternative advent calendar of daily positive affirmations. If you have been receiving them by email, I hope you have been enjoying those feel good messages each morning. It really has been lovely to share a bit of positivity each day. There’s still time to sign up. It’s free and there will even be a gift on Christmas Day. Just click here https://bit.ly/adventaffirmations

Whatever you are doing on the 25th, enjoy the day and please be kind to yourself.

Kate?

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You can hear more about comparisonitis in my podcast with Rachel Spencer. The advice applies to any business but, as the owner of a wilful Chow Chow, it was great to chat about the pet space.

There's a link below and these are the key things we covered...

?? Why we compare ourselves

???? ♀? How this makes us feel and holds us back

? What we can do to stop it

?? And why it's important to be ourselves and not be forever looking at what others are doing!

How to stop comparisonitis holding you back in your pet business