Why the colour gray is critical for resolving conflict

Well hello (aka Great Mind),

I’m working on designing several courses on conflict management, collaborative negotiation, and collaboration for a UN peacekeeping agency, and in honour of the International Day of UN Peacekeepers on 29 May, I thought what better time to share a few tidbits.

I’ll let you in on some of what I’ve got planned.

We as humans are amazing at many things - art, science, technology and more.  

We suck at conflict though. Our brains simply aren’t built for conflict.

Let me rephrase that.

Our brains are built to fight, freeze, or flee but since when are those good reactions to most conflict?

Yes, there are exceptions when it makes sense for your safety, to flee. And yes, it’s possible to find yourself in a place where you may have to actually fight. But in the circumstances, I’m talking about those are the exceptions.

So here’s a 101 primer on your brain on conflict and then I’ll share some tips for how you can override some of our automatic, unhelpful responses.

We like to think of ourselves as rational human beings but emotions play a HUGE role in conflict. Here’s what I mean.

When sensory info comes into our brain, we immediately and unconsciously make one of two decisions.

1. Can I eat it? or
2. Is it going to eat me?

If we decide we can "eat it", that means we feel safe.  

Our brain has decided everything is copacetic and we can get on with the task at hand. It’s then and only then, that we use our prefrontal cortex, which not only is the most sophisticated and newest part of the brain, it’s also the seat of executive functioning, for things like strategic thinking, humour, creativity, innovation, and yes, conflict resolution.

On the other hand, if our brain decides "it’s going to eat me," that means our brain has decided we are unsafe, embarrassed, ashamed, triggered, afraid, angry, unsettled, nervous, etc.   

Our brain starts screaming at us that we’re in conflict. It’s at that point that our brains downshift and start using the oldest part of the brain, the part we have in common with reptiles. And that dear one is when the fight, freeze or flee response kicks in. 

That’s when blood starts draining from our brains and goes to our hands because whether we’ve ever thrown a punch or not, our body is getting ready to fight. Our hearing actually decreases as well.

Not exactly the best place to be to resolve a conflict. In fact it’s the worst!

This is when harsh words get said, people do unexpected things, blow things out of proportion, make bad decisions, and the conflict escalates before you can bat an eye.

In this state we tend to do more of whatever isn’t working, like repeating ourselves for the fiftieth time, speaking louder, gesticulating wildly, etc.

Hope is at hand, however.

While your brain is busy trying to sell you a false bill of goods, that your only options are to fight, flee or freeze, I’m here to tell you differently.

You’ve got more options than you think (check out my post "How I found options with a fan when faced with cheetah, leopard, and lions").  And one of them involves the colour gray.

When we’re in conflict we get positional - a.k.a. "my way or the highway" kind of thinking. We think and act in dichotomies - right/wrong, black/white, yes/no, etc.  

Just when we desperately need flexibility, we get more strongly rooted to our position and we get less flexible.

All of which are the exact opposite of what helps resolve a conflict.

Enter the colour gray. As in gray thinking.

Instead of black or white, yes or no, right or wrong, let’s think in shades of gray.

Another way to think of it is putting yourself on a continuum and being able to shift up and down the continuum. I call this gray thinking or continuum thinking.

Here are some examples of continuums when it comes to conflict resolution:

• Direct and indirect (directly resolving a conflict means addressing the issues head-on while indirect means through nuances, subtle communication, a third party, etc.)
• Expressive and instrumental (I explain this more in detail below)
• Innervism and activism (more about here)
• Community-led and individually led (resolving a conflict in a community-led manner means there are mechanisms in place, regardless of the specific conflict and parties involved, to move through the conflict whereas individually led conflict resolution means the parties themselves decide how to resolve it)

Notice the use of ‘and’ instead of ‘or.’ Just by opening up a continuum we give ourselves more room to think, more choices, more options, etc.

The next time you find your brain trying to convince you that you have no other options other than fight, flee or freeze, take a deep breath and consider how your situation would look on a continuum. Identify where you’re currently at on the continuum, where your place of comfort is, and then (here’s the key) move up and down that continuum. You’ll open up way more options for moving through the conflict.

I promise.

Here are a couple of real-life examples from a recent workshop I taught.

Expressive and Instrumental

These are terms coined by the fabulous Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor. Expressive essentially means you prefer to focus on the process, the emotional, intuitive, relational aspects in a conflict. While instrumental means you prefer to focus on getting things done, resolving the conflict, ticking that item off your to-do list.

Here’s the important part.  

When we’re in conflict, remember how I said we tend to do more of whatever’s not working? We also get more rooted to our position and that means, for example, that if I tend to be expressive, not only do I get MORE expressive but I expect everyone else to join me on my place on the continuum. I tend to see the positive aspects of my style and the negative aspects of others.

Let’s flip that switch.

Check out the screengrab from a recent workshop where folks placed themselves on the continuum. Let’s blend the positives of each style - focus on process, creating a safe space, honouring how people are feeling, etc. AND being task-oriented, moving forward, dealing with issues, and resolving the conflict.

By the way, placing ourselves on a continuum gives us so much insight as to where people’s strengths lie and where there may be blind spots.  

Let’s hear it for yes, and instead of black/white, yes/no, either/or. We need to make room for both.  

Your brain and the world thanks you.

Now go on and learn, laugh and lead.

Learn

• Need to get a handle on your emotions while resolving conflict. Check out my dryer vent approach.

Laugh

• How do you spell the word I’m saying in this mini clip? Get your answer before you read my post Time for audience participation (that means you): we see what we expect to see on my funny, biased-based mix-up.

Lead

• Here’s two more surprisingly simple yet highly effective ways to manage yourself during conflicts. Read them and sigh with relief then practice the next time you’re in conflict and share them widely.

P.S. Curious to know more about your worldview and perspective? Check out my Life Lense? online assessment.

Work With Me

You’re ready to start taking that beloved subject matter expertise of yours and start teaching it to others. I’m here to help.

Who I work with

I work with big thinking change makers from all sorts of fields.

Example:

• I work with wildly creative digital content strategists who are itching to help others learn their insider secrets.
• I work with storytellers who are brilliant at bridging divides and who are yearning to get their ideas onto a bigger stage.
• I work with folks like you!

My clients are experts but not teachers. They have big plans for teaching engaging workshops that position them as a leader in their field and generate the change they want to see in the world, but they get stuck with where to start and they’re afraid their lack of training skills will get in the way.

What we do together

I help big thinkers how to design and deliver game changing workshops in their beloved area of expertise.  

I offer 1:1, online training workshops designed to help position yourself as a leader in your field and generate the change you want to see in the world. I offer workshops like Workshops that Work; 4 steps to taking that beloved subject matter expertise of yours and starting to teach it to others.

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Lee-Anne Ragan, President Rock.Paper.Scissors Inc. Changing the way the world works. e: [email protected]