Why Civility@Work Matters but is now Missing

Dear Happiness & Leadership@Work Community,

Through my work in happiness and human performance, David Hofmann suggested I speak to Mike Christian . Both are accomplished professors and leaders at Kenan-Flagler Business School.?

Mike shared insights about work others at UNC are doing in areas related to mine, including Christine Porath . I looked up her work, became fascinated, and read both her books, Mastering Civility and Mastering Community, cover to cover in just a few days.

A version of this column was published in WRAL TechWire.

Elephants in the Room

As a consultant, coach, and retreat facilitator, I help uncover blind spots of companies, leaders, and the elephants in the room that impact an organization’s culture.

Underlying Issue

In cultures that have room for improvement, one issue I often see is uncivil behavior and a lack of healthy community.? “What? Don’t grown-ups working together know how to show common courtesy, or as Webster’s defines, a base level or ‘adequate’ level of courtesy?”? In many companies, the answer is NO.?

civil: adjective adequate in courtesy and politeness : MANNERLY, a civil question. example: It was hard to be civil when I felt so angry.

The Highlight Reel of Our Successes

Many leaders are blind to these issues. Research shows that all of us are inclined to see ourselves in a more favorable light than what is reality.? Marshall Goldsmith calls this “the highlight reel of our successes.”?

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is especially relevant when the skills needed to be effective are complex and varied, as is often the case in executive leadership. This effect can cause less competent individuals to overrate their own skills, a particularly dangerous trend in high-stakes environments like corporate leadership. CEOs might not only overestimate their capabilities but also be less likely to recognize genuine skill and expertise in others, which can lead to significant organizational challenges.

The Ultimate Question and Answer

Porath’s two decades of research covering experiences of tens of thousands of people across six continents in nearly every type of industry finds that the answer to one question defines professional success more than any other.

Will you lift your colleagues up or hold them down?

You succeed by being someone who gets others to give more.? How you treat people determines if people will trust you, build relationships with you, follow you, support you, and work hard for you, or not.

Her research proves time and time again that your kindness, consideration, and respect can have a powerful effect, creating a positive dynamic of civility that others will respond to and build on.

Common or Uncommon?? Our Negativity Bias

You might think that's common sense.? Then why is civility actually uncommon?

We are all wired to have a negativity bias.? Our amygdala, the small almond-shaped part of our brain, triggers emotional responses.? It is trained from our earliest days to be on the lookout, so we will protect ourselves, so as not to be a tiger’s dinner.?

Just sitting close to the office of a colleague who is difficult or abrasive can hijack your amygdala, burning a negative emotion, so that whenever you pass their door, you can experience negative emotions.?

Porath’s research shows that unfortunately, the incivility problem has not only not been solved, it is getting worse.

Clueless?

Common forms of incivility include walking out of a conversation due to lack of interest,? answering calls while you are in a meeting with someone in person or looking down at your phone in the middle of meetings, and responding to unrelated messages during Zoom 1-on-1s.? I have seen examples of each of these in the 360 feedback of leaders I coach.

Often the person is unaware that they are even doing this and the disrespect it shows. Porath’s research shows that incivility arises not from malice but from ignorance.? Knowing what you might do that transmits uncivil vibes can make a difference in the attitudes of those who work with you.?

A well-cited finding in leadership research is that leaders often overestimate their level of self-awareness. According to research by Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, although 95% of people think they are self-aware, only 10 to 15% actually are.

This discrepancy suggests that many leaders may lack an accurate understanding of how their behavior and leadership style are perceived by others, potentially impacting their effectiveness in their roles.

Research indicates that the mere presence of a cellphone can significantly distract individuals, even if the device is not being actively used.

A study by Adrian F. Ward et al., published in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, found that the presence of one's own smartphone reduces available cognitive capacity and impairs cognitive functioning, even when the phone is turned off and out of sight.

This "brain drain" effect occurs unbeknownst to its owner, part of the brain is actively working to not pick up or use the phone, thus reducing the amount of attention available for other tasks.

Intense Fatigue

When I was conducting 1-on-1 discovery calls to inform the design of a retreat, one team member told me of the intense fatigue they were all under.? When I talked about making more time for rest, he quickly responded that their hours actually allowed for good life/balance.? The fatigue was caused by mental stress.

One of the greatest causes of stress at work, accounting for about half, is relationship difficulties at work, caused through uncivil behavior.?

Cost of Incivility

What are the costs of incivility? In Porath’s survey of 800 employees across 17 industries, she identifiedlower output, quality, and customer service:

• 48% intentionally decreased their work effort.
• 38% intentionally decreased the quality of their work.
• 25% admitted to taking their frustration out on customers.?

One study shows that managers and executives of Fortune 1000 firms spend 13% of their time or 7 weeks a year mending employee relationships resulting from uncivil behavior.?

Rudeness disrupts your ability to pay attention. A lack of psychological safety shuts people down. Simply being in the presence of rudeness activates a node in the brain which rapidly spreads across the neural network to other nodes.? The result is this makes a person three times less likely to help others, and willingness to share drops by more than half.

Being Civil is Easier and More Important than You Think

Civility has a way of winning people over and garnering influence.? While many people think that being demanding and even instilling fear is what drives people, those who are polite actually win far more than we think.?

Smiling and showing appreciation by saying thank you can do a lot. In Louisiana, Ochsner Health System, a large healthcare organization, implemented Ochsner’s 10/5 Way: you make eye contact and smile if you’re within 10 feet of someone and say hello if you’re within 5 feet.

Civility is viral, just as rudeness is. After they started this, civility spread, and both patient satisfaction and patient referrals went up.?

Small Gestures Matter

A college leader shared that one student told her that she was contemplating suicide one day until a student she didn’t know passed by her and lit up a big smile.? They implemented a campaign to encourage students to smile and greet fellow classmates.

Remembering small details about an employee’s family or an event coming up in their life means a lot.? A CEO of a well-regarded mid sized company where I did coaching was known as an inspiring leader by simply being relatable.??

One of his mid-level managers told me that he was impressed how his CEO took the time when they were traveling overseas to have a meal with him and how in the break room, he would go up to a team member and remember that her daughter was getting married.??

His politeness elevated his status; it did not bring him down. This is not to say that he didn’t expect his people to meet their metrics.? His way of doing business made them want to do so.?

How Actively Do You Listen?

Listening so that your people are seen, heard, and understood is so important.? In another set of 1-on-1 discovery interviews, managers told me their CEO frequently asks them the same question multiple times. She doesn’t remember that she asked because she wasn’t listening actively to really hear and understand them.? Not being fully present or close enough to the work involved, makes her team not feel seen or respected.

When she urgently assigns tasks, one of her managers told me that he got busy and didn’t complete a request, and when he brought it up to let her know of his delay, the CEO said it was okay because it was no longer necessary.?

Changing priorities and direction results in unnecessary work for some and lack of accountability by others who think she might just forget the assignment or it will simply become less important later.

The Benefits of Civility

On the other hand, when employees feel respected by their leader, in a study of 20,000 employees, these are the results:

• 92% have greater focus and prioritization.
• 89% greater satisfaction and enjoyment.
• 56% better health and wellbeing.

Will you consider one change this week to increase civility in your workplace?

Thank you for supporting this important work.

With gratitude, Grace

Next Week: ?

The Incivility Test - how do you score??

About Grace Ueng

Grace Ueng is CEO of Savvy Growth, a management and marketing consultancy dedicated to helping leaders and their companies realize their fullest potential.?

With a proven track record in strategic reviews, marketing audits, and executive coaching, Grace guides organizations through their growth journeys.

She has a knack for creating a safe place to uncover the elephants in your company.

Contact her firm to schedule a complimentary introductory call.