Why Can't We Be Friends

I am about to state something that might make you want to stop reading but I need you to trust me. This newsletter is still about helping to fuel your brain to accelerate your success. Ok, here it goes. I used to be in politics.

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Now here is what I know is happening in the brains of some of my readers. I said something about politics, and it caused a trigger. A trigger is a term we use often in coaching, counseling and neuroscience to refer to a catalyst that activates our limbic system. Not all triggers are bad; however, we associate them more often with a traumatic event in our past or painful memories. This system works in conjunction with our sympathetic nervous system and amygdala to anticipate, react, and prepare us to anticipate danger. When this alarm goes off in our brains, we lose some capacity for rational thinking, and the blood flow in our bodies prioritizes major muscle groups over the brain.

So, why are we talking about this? Because so many of us (especially in the US) are triggered into a threat mode whenever we have to process anything related to politics. I understand that politics can be an emotionally charged topic, and it's important to acknowledge the impact it can have on our mental and emotional well-being. Before we go any further, let’s pause to bring some clarity to my previous statement and hopefully clear up some of the narrative that might be going on in your brain.

Yes, I was very involved in politics quite some time ago. In fact, it was during a period in our history when your desire to serve your community was a higher priority than the political party that you belonged to. I had the privilege of serving for 16 years in leadership roles, having been appointed by governors on both sides of the aisle in the State of New York. (The photo above is Governor Pataki who was the second Gov to ask me to serve the state of NY) It was a time in our history when your character was still more important than your red or blue label. I retired from that civic involvement as I noticed how great the divide was becoming and how much we were moving from “respect of each other” to “resentment of any other.”

Fast-forward to today, our society is grappling with a severe lack of civility that is not only dividing communities but also tearing apart families and homes. Liya Yu, during her PhD at Columbia, discovered that our brains tend to dehumanize groups of people involuntarily. I would argue that being closed-minded about learning from others can actually shrink your brain! Over the past three decades, extensive research has shown that the grey matter in our brains can expand, influencing memory, decision-making, and self-control.

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To go one step further, when we only humanize and value people of the same political opinion, we grow closer to becoming more and more like those with whom we agree. I talked about this phenomenon in my book, Build Your Best Brain. In the book, I talk about how our “personal board of trustees” shapes who we ultimately become and how we start to “show up” publicly. Brown University researchers showed that people who share the same political viewpoint have similar ‘neural fingerprints’ and process information in the same way. Basically, we bias each other's thinking, thus limiting our learning ability.

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But I am more concerned about our health and well-being. If you are rapidly triggered by an opposing political opinion, I want you to be aware of the impact it is having on your physical health. This limbic response floods your body with neurotransmitters that stress your organs. Think of it as trying to always push your car to go 60 mph, but your transmission is stuck in first gear. Not to mention the toll on your mental health. Imagine that one out of four people surveyed said that they had friendships that ended because of politics. 21% said a family relationship ended or is now unsure.

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All right, let’s fight this together. Here is what we have to do.

1.????? The first thing is to take charge of our own brains. Notice what we tell ourselves about “them people.” When we notice our own narrative, we can remind ourselves that we have a tendency to dehumanize, and we must stop it as early in the thought process as possible. Remind ourselves that these are good people who think they are doing something good.? And “yes”, both sides of the aisle have been repeatedly lied to for quite some time, so it is super-hard to keep track of the real truth.

2.????? Speaking of the pursuit of the truth… the second thing is to diversify our media intake. Those people (see what I did there?) are pouring jet fuel onto the divisive fire. I only listen to the news a few times per week, for short periods of 10-15 minutes, and I listen to multiple outlets consciously taking note of the language they use and how their take on a news event differs from each other.

3.????? And last but not least, let’s talk to each other. If you want to have a conversation over a Sauvignon Cabernet, I’m in. If you want to have an argument, I’m changing the topic. One of the best phrases I was taught was, “oh, ok.” How many of you know that there are some debates where no one wins? When someone says something that might take us into the forbidden zone, just respond by saying, “oh… ok.” You might have to rapidly follow with, “Did anybody see the end of that game last night?”

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We can’t do everything the world needs done in order to restore civility. What we can do is commit to being part of the solution in our own circle of people. We can determine that we will no longer be a part of the problem, to the best of our ability. It will be so much better for your brain to grow your grey matter and reduce your stress level.

Feel free to share this newsletter with anyone else you think might be interested.

#civility #buildyourbestbrain #wellbeing

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