Why Can't We Be Friends? Helping Your Children Learn How to Initiate, Build and Maintain Friendships

"Nobody does that anymore...that is like, so cringe!" If one thing working with teenagers has taught me, it's new(ish) lingo. Another thing I've learned is that kids and teens are having more and more difficulty initiating with one another. In session, I often ask how they start talking to new peers. Is it pretty natural occurring while playing a sport or video game? Do you actually introduce yourself in a manner that is typical for a 21st century child or teen? Or do you just avoid the whole thing because it feels awkward and uncomfortable. Many times it's the latter. With the combination of helicopter parenting, over scheduling and increased technology use, kids haven't been given enough opportunities to learn how to engage with one another. This leads to feelings of inadequacy and often becomes amplified as children get older. Imagine the child starting a new high school where everyone has had their friend groups since early elementary school or moving to a new city without much practice of social awareness and initiation.

Out of the three necessary skills that lead to strong relationships, most kids and teens have shared that initiating is the most difficult. They often don't know what to say or when to say it. More often than not, they rely on DM'ing or texting the new person providing some comfort in anonymity. They also share that they often wait until the other person initiates with them (no big secret, the other person is doing the same thing). While this topic is complex enough to fill a book let alone a brief article, I'm going to share some simple tips you can share with your child about initiating, building and maintaining relationships:

1. Use your senses: The first thing a person notices about another person is often what they're wearing, listening to, watching or playing. If you see someone with a shirt or piece of merch that is considered non-mainstream, the odds are they'll be excited to know someone else is into it. The same can be said for music or video games. Finding a common interest is tried and true.
2. Keep It Going: This is where it can become difficult for many kids. They started the conversation, know they have to keep it going. The easiest way is to start asking some questions about whatever you used to initiate in the first place. If it was video games, find out what else they play, on what console, where do they shop, etc. Music lends itself nicely to this as well. Any upcoming concerts or maybe they also play music, not just listen.
3. Disengage: At some point, you're going to have to stop talking to each other (unless you're my mother, sorry mom). You don't have to ask for anyone's Instagram account of phone number right away, in fact, you probably shouldn't unless you feel an instant connection and don't want to stop talking to each other. What you can do is be friendly and vague by saying things like, "See you around" or one of my all time favorites..."Later."
4. Follow-Up: Most kids and teens, and adults for that matter, love when others show they are thinking of them by either inviting them to something, sharing something with them like a funny meme or video or even a simple message reminding them that you haven't forgotten about them. By doing this, you're also making sure your children know that friendships take some work and being present will often lead to more meaningful situations.

It's no secret that being a child or teenager in today's age has its difficulties. What shouldn't be as difficult as it is for many is talking to peers. By taking and promoting a view of growth mindset (you can always get better with time and effort), you can slowly instill the necessary skills in your children so when they go off into the world on their own, they don't avoid others for fear of being too "cringe."