Why can't we all do housework like how we do our professional work?

TLDR: There is a difference between This-Will-Do and Always-Do-More and nowhere is this manifested more strongly than in housework. This holiday season, let's talk about the mental load of doing housework well and why it remains a major source of stress between couples.

I suppose you could say this post isn't technically about work — at least not in the LinkedIn sense. But I was inspired (compelled, really) to write about this after a small tiff with my husband yesterday.

You see, we were going to throw a Christmas dinner at ours, and to save us the pain and sorrow of cooking a feast from scratch, I decided to order a Pork Belly Roast from a gourmet butcher. Before I left home to pick it up, I asked ("told" would be more accurate but who's reading?) him to "vacuum the floor, mop it, and clean the toilets after."

When I got home, he duly reported that "I've vacuumed the floor, mopped it, bleached and cleaned the toilet bowls!" So what went wrong then? And how did we still end up bickering?

Going Above and Beyond

The problem, you see, lay in the fact that he did EXACTLY what he was asked to do. He cleaned the floor but left the mess and clutter behind. He cleaned the toilet bowl but did not clean the floor. Don't even get me started on the rest of the house.

"What do you want?" he asked. "I vacuumed the floor, mopped it, and I cleaned the toilets. What more do you want?"

"Above and beyond?" I shot back. "Like, maybe wash the toilet floor? Tidy up the dining table? Or, I don't know, help me organize the kitchen a bit?"

"But I don't know how you want these areas done."

And I was left to wonder: If we all only did what we were asked at work, it's only a matter of time before we get told off for our lack of initiative.

The Devil is in The Detail

Housework is a territory ridden with landmines. Why? Because I've not met a couple (at least those who still do their own housework) who could agree on just how it should be done! For me, vacuuming the floor includes the floor under the sofa, the TV console, the sideboards, and the bed. Meaning even if NO ONE could see the floor, it should still be vacuumed. For my husband, it just means the floor that he can see.

One of the things that drive me nuts when it comes to housework is when the one who's more particular gets flak for being so. I get called "fussy", "anal-retentive", or "have no chill" by my husband whenever I point out the areas that he's missed. "No one is going to be eating off the floor, you know?" he likes to remind me.

I can't help but ask if you remember reading the Enid Blyton story about an old woman with two cleaning ladies (let's call them This-Will-Do and Always-Do-More). Each cleaning lady comes in on different days of the week. The old woman couldn't help but notice that one does a more thorough job than the other. In order to incentivize Ms. This-Will-Do to be more thorough, she decides to hide money in places that'd require the cleaning lady to go above and beyond to clean. Places like the top of the shelf, the back of the sofa, and under the mattress.

So This-Will-Do comes to work and the old woman tells her, "I've left gifts for you. Be sure you take them before you go." This-Will-Do goes to work and does her usual. Obviously, she couldn't find the gifts and left thinking her employer must have lost her mind. The old woman does the same for Always-Do-More and of course, Always-Do-More finds every single ten-pound bill.

Of all of the stories I've read by Blyton, this is the one that has stuck with me throughout the years. It taught me that there is gold hidden in places lazier people would not bother to look in. It taught me to pay attention to detail. It taught me to always put in that extra 20% when everyone else believes 80% is enough.

The Emotional Work We Do

Last but not least, housework is emotional work. Housework stresses me out more than my actual work. The mental load it requires to do housework well is immense. It goes beyond organizing and cleaning. It's about how to use the muffin tray so it won't be a nightmare to clean. It's about how to sort the trash out so you can do your part for recycling. It's about checking the fridge for rotting food and making sure they get tossed out.

And women disproportionately suffer more from the stress of this mental work (1). It is hard to explain how to do this aspect of housework well because it is about the feeling we get when we come home to a well-maintained house. To share in this workload, our partners have to not just step up, they have to understand why we want things done a certain way when we want them done. This isn't to accuse the men of sitting back and shirking off their share of the work. My husband certainly pulls his weight around the house but there is a tiny, maybe imperceptible, gap between This-Will-Do and Always-Do-More, and THAT is the work that weighs on our minds and tires us out.