Why Can’t Some Millennials Deal With Conflict?

By: Dr. John C. Mrazek

This week I have been struggling with why this issue is plaguing so many business leaders and their millennial staff. Research proves that it is because they didn’t need to and were never trained to. Enter the “Helicopter Parent”. The majority of Millennials were raised by Xers who grew up as “Latch Key” kids. Xer children were called “Latch Key” kids because they wore necklaces with a key to their house’s locked front door. The front door was locked because both of their Boomer parents were both working and their Xer children had to fend for themselves for long blocks of time while they waited for their mom and dad to come home.

This started the process of creating Xers who were very self-sufficient, used to being by themselves, and who very comfortable not relying on others. But Xers did not like having to be by themselves and swore that they would not do the same thing to their children. I grew up this way and shared this mindset when I was raising my children. This caused us (my wife and I) to make career choices for me that ensured that my wife would be home for our millennial children every day after school. I completely agree with the need for parents to be engaged with their children. But the Xers went a little too far and their over-amped desire to meet every one of their children’s needs resulted in the phenomenon called the “Helicopter Parent”.

One of the areas that the Xer parent became too involved in was resolving the normal tensions and conflicts that happened as their children interact with their worlds. Xer parents were too quick to jump in and protect their children from issues with teachers, sports coaches, other students/team mates, and drama with friends that they went sideways with. Millennial children did not have to fight any battles because their parents wanted to be involved and did not want their children left to deal with conflict alone. The Xer parent’s hearts were in the right place. But they didn’t take into account the long term ramification of their actions.

Some Millennials have never built or exercised a healthy conflict resolution muscle because of their parents over involvement. Research is showing that higher education administrators are having to “deal” with the parents of their 20+ year old students when they get a low grade, are reprimanded for being late, or not behaving properly in the classroom. In the past, the administrators dealt directly with the student and parents were rarely involved. Now they are always involved and the student sits passively by and waits for their parents to “fix” the issue.

So. Is it fixable? Yes. But it will take a dramatic change of behavior on the part of the Xer helicopter parents and a commitment from marketplace leaders and educators to incorporate more conflict resolution training in all of their programs. I have found that Millennials are not afraid of conflict when they are properly trained and prepared to resolve it in a healthy and safe way.

If you are a marketplace leader of a group of under prepared Millennials I would recommend devoting a good amount of your professional development resources to conflict resolution training. I would also work to create relationships between your Millennials and other staff who can work 1-on-1 with them to model conflict resolution techniques, role play with them before they enter into a tough conversation, and encourage them when they get it right.

I know that business leaders are rolling their eyes right now and saying to themselves “Now I have to parent my staff in this area too? What is next? Hygiene? Goal setting? Professional communications?” The easy answer to all of those questions is yes. If you help them grow in these areas you will gain loyal, longer term employees who will be engaged and stay with you longer. Business leaders who invest in their millennial staff will keep them longer and be able to benefit from their incredible technical and creative skills.

How do Xers need to change their behavior? Slowly and not in a knee jerk way. I would recommend that Xer parents slowly begin to dis-engage in their children’s dramas and allow them to deal with them directly. But, the key is to do it slowly and to model for their children the steps that they would have taken personally. Just disconnecting will do more harm because the Millennials need to be taught how to resolve conflict properly before being expected to lead the event themselves. Think of it as coaching a person slowly and purposefully versus tossing them into the deep end of the pool and expecting them to swim without any lessons.

If your millennial is in a dangerous bullying or harassment situation, please don’t suddenly abandon them. Stay engaged until the conflict has been resolved and then begin distancing yourself from smaller and less dangerous conflicts. Take some time to educate yourself in proper conflict resolution technique and begin to share it with as your comfort level increases. If you can’t connect with your child in this way, put them in a class or find them a qualified coach or mentor to help them.

Most Millennials want to learn these skills. But they are coming to class late in life and need both a crash course and a safe environment to learn where people will not laugh and point out their lack of basic skills. If there is one thing that Millennials are good at (and there are actually a bunch of things that they are good at) it is receiving coaching and changing their behavior. If you are not good at resolving conflict either, don’t worry there is hope for you too. I know of several really great conflict resolution training resources that could serve as a base-line curriculum for you. Email me at [email protected] and I’ll send you a list of books to jump start your process.

In the meantime, the Xer parents of Millennials need to understand that their attempt to show their children love by eliminating conflict from their lives did not work. Instead of creating a strong, independent adults who ae ready to face the world. They raised adults who are deathly afraid of conflict and unprepared to participate completely in professional and healthy careers. Land your helicopter and choose to not hover over your 18-36 year old millennials anymore in this critical area. Otherwise, business leaders and professors like me will have to train them in this important life skill late in life and after they have already messed up a bunch and damaged their confidence and self-esteem.

By: Dr. John C. Mrazek