Why can't men be men, anymore?

Whenever we see actor Danny Dyer on our screens he is normally playing the role of the “hard man”. There's something of the hard man as he narrates a documentary, but despite using the eff word in every other sentence, Danny Dyer: How to Be a Man (Channel 4) takes us to some unexpected places. Over two hour-long episodes, he explores what masculinity means in 21st-century Britain. Sometimes it flags, and occasionally Danny seems overwhelmed by the complex contradictions, but this is a programme that many women may find worth catching.

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Danny starts on some very familiar territory by quoting Andrew Tate and other misogynistic online influencers. We even meet one, a twenty-year-old who still lives with his Mum in Brentwood, Essex, alas we didn’t meet her. His view of women is just nasty, but a visit to a secondary school shows Danny that some of the influencers disturbing views are shared by teenage boys. Then we switch to the House of Commons where the impressive Jess Phillips MP, reads out the names of the 107 women who were killed by men last year. We are reminded that certain expressions of masculinity can become toxic, even leading to murder.

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This raises so many questions. In an age of gender fluidity, are men able to fully identify as men? Should we seek to eliminate the differences between the genders? Have men lost their self-confidence, as they face an increasingly robust feminist culture? Do changing roles at work and in the home mean that the centuries-old masculine role of protector and provider is being devalued?

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Danny confronts us with some interesting statistics: 75% of those of us who commit suicide are men. 85% of rough sleepers are men, 30% of victims of domestic violence are men. In Wales, there is even a refuge for men seeking safety from abusive relationships with women. The vast majority of custody cases resulting from marital breakdown see the children placed with their mothers, even when the fathers are concerned for their child’s safety.

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Danny Dyer concludes that men are naturally more competitive and have high levels of energy, whilst women are more risk-averse. He finds one group of men who have come to terms with who they are: a gay choir in Brighton. They have a great social life in an accepting environment, where they can socialise with others on equal terms. In the past, men operated in three environments: the workplace, the home and the pub, or in the case of many male readers, the church. It was in the pub or church where men would meet to speak with their peers and work through the stresses and challenges of the day. It made me think, that apart from the occasional curry with the lads, now that I'm working from home, I rarely mix with men of my age. Perhaps we shouldn't be too hasty to dismantle "men only" spaces and events?

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A repeat of the ?very first episode of The Likely Lads (BBC2) ?from 1964, ?gave us a glimpse of how women were regarded at that time, and how men of my generation were taught to regard women.

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Terry and Bob, both in their early twenties, return from holiday in Spain. They go into a café where they treat the mature woman assistant with contempt, without a please or thank you as she serves them. Then they speak about the women they met on holiday: they were "talent" who were "asking for it"; "Foreign birds"; a "French bit"; and a "piece". Me and my classmates used to rush home from the youth club to laugh at this language. Sixty years later, I feel embarrassed that I laughed and used such language. So, it is right that men are now expected to speak about women in considerably more respectful terms. Fortunately, the sequel series in the 1970s, “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” shows how TV attitudes changed.

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Red Flag (W and UKTV) sadly shows that some men haven't changed fast enough. Each episode highlights a real crime by men against women partners. Serious assault, fraud and sheer dishonesty blight the lives of several women and the commentators, fraud specialist Rebecca Mason and psychologist Anjula Mutanda, highlight the warning signs, or "red flags" that show a relationship could go seriously wrong. My one observation is that these men were dangerous because they had mental health problems or were criminals, they weren't dangerous because they were men. This may be a useful catch-up for those engaged in pastoral work with young women.

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One male space I enjoyed in my teens was the billiards room at the Hackney Drill Hall. Watching World Snooker(BBC4) as the championship was fought out at the Crucible and the repeat of the excellent Gods of Snooker (BBC4), it was clear that snooker is still a male space. However, way back in the early 1980s my nephew was given a snooker table and us lads were enjoying a quiet game. We laughed when my Mum came in and asked if she could have a go. Wow! Were we in for a surprise. My mother cleared the reds and colours in one go. Eat your heart out Hurricane Higgins! She explained that as an army child, she used to take on the soldiers at sixpence a go, and normally beat them.? Even the most hallowed male spaces can be vulnerable to determined women!??

The article first appeared in the Methodist Recorder, 3 May 2024

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