Why can we not just get along?? Fight or Flight ...Am I out? Not sure!
Darleen Barton Dr
Principal & Founder Dr (hc) @ DIPAC Est 2009 Private Practice | Counselling Therapist | Accredited Mediator| Conflict Resolution |Life Business Executive Coaching People Development
Subject:?Relationship ambivalence is the No 1 reason for seeking help to save your relationship and family.
Case study: Almost?4,000 people who were in committed relationships, but were thinking about leaving to participate in a two-part study. In Part 1, the participants completed a lengthy survey that assessed their feelings about the relationship in terms of the three components of the investment model: relationship satisfaction, investment, and quality of alternatives.
Participants also answered questions regarding two other factors that the researchers thought might play a role in a stay/leave decision:
·??Partner dependence:?Respondents were asked how committed they thought their partner was to the relationship and how distressed they thought their partner would be if they broke up with them. It’s believed that high partner dependence can make a relationship feel valuable even if satisfaction isn’t high.
·??Communal strength:?This is the degree to which you place a high priority on meeting the needs of your partner. It’s believed that high communal strength can also make it harder to leave a relationship because of concern for the partner’s welfare.
"Communication" learning how to communicate well is like learning a new language at times :)
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. Albert Einstein
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In Part 2 of the study, participants received a short, weekly survey by email. The first question was: “Are you and your partner still together?” If the response was “no,” the participant indicated whether the decision was their own, their partner’s, or mutual. At the end of 10 weeks, 18 percent had reported a breakup, while 82 percent were still together.
Even after all the reasons for staying or leaving as posited by the investment model were accounted for, there were still those who’d remained in the relationship even though they were unhappy. As expected, partner dependence was an important factor in these cases, but only if the person was high in communal strength. In other words, people who make meeting their partner’s needs a priority in the relationship will also find it difficult to leave that relationship for?fear?of hurting the other person.
When we try to read our partner’s mind and expect them to read ours, we set ourselves up for unhappiness. Conversations about whether to end a relationship are extremely difficult, but without an open and honest discussion, both partners will have to deal with the misery of putting on pretences indefinitely. When you “assume ” you know what your partner is thinking and fail to enquire, you are effectively saying "I am not interested in you"
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new Albert Einstein
1.?????Self-awareness: ?Before making any decisions about a troubled relationship, it's important to take a close look at yourself and your own needs, desires, and values. You need to understand what you want and what you're willing to accept in a relationship.
2.?????Honesty: ?It's crucial to be honest with yourself and your partner about what's not working in the relationship. You need to be willing to acknowledge the problems and work together to find solutions.
3.?????Communication: ?Good communication is essential in any relationship. If you're struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, it may be a sign that the relationship is not salvageable.
4.?????Intimacy: ?A lack of intimacy, both physical and emotional, can be a major issue in a relationship. It's important to understand what's causing the lack of intimacy and whether it can be addressed.
5.?????Trust: ?Trust is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If trust has been broken, it's important to determine whether it can be rebuilt or whether it's time to move on.
6.?????Shared values: ?Shared values are essential for a successful long-term relationship. If you and your partner have fundamentally different values, it may be difficult to make the relationship work.
7.?????Action: ?Ultimately, making a decision about a troubled relationship requires action. Whether you choose to stay and work on the relationship or leave, it's important to take decisive action to create the kind of relationship you truly want.
These principles can help guide you through the process of evaluating your relationship and making a decision about whether to stay or go. However, you may need to seek the help from a relationship specialist to ask the pivotal question to draw out what needs to be discussed.?
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them Albert Einstein
Here are some of the diagnostic questions that Mira Kirshenbaum suggests in "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" to help evaluate a relationship:
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1.????Do you feel more like friends than lovers?
2.????Do you still feel attracted to your partner?
3.????Do you feel emotionally safe with your partner?
4.????Is there enough trust in the relationship?
5.????Do you feel respected by your partner?
6.????Do you share similar values and goals?
7.????Is there enough intimacy in the relationship, both physical and emotional?
8.????Are your communication patterns healthy and effective?
9.????Do you feel like your partner understands you?
10.?Is your partner supportive of your personal growth and development?
11.?Do you have fun together?
12.?Do you feel like your partner accepts you for who you are?
13.?Do you feel like your partner listens to you?
14.?Is your partner willing to work on the relationship?
15.?Do you have any deal-breakers “bottom liners” in the relationship that you're not willing to tolerate? Non negotiables…
These questions can help you evaluate the health of your relationship and identify areas that may need improvement. It's important to be honest with yourself and your partner when answering these questions in order to make an informed decision about the future of the relationship.
·????????Accepting one’s own part in escalating a situation, even if it’s small, helps one regain power.
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Before I close I want to raise one of the most disturbing topics;?one women a week is killed in Australia from Domestic Violence.?This means a mum and dad loses a daughter, a child loses their mum, a sister is lost and a grandmother is gone …. The devastation is raw and real, Australia is the land of plenty, education is available to all. YET women are being killed at the hands of a male partner or a close known male. Some think this is a socioeconomic issue, I will clear this up?It is not!?Anger is only one letter away from
DANGER and it can be in any family, rich or poor.
What is an example of coercive control?
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep. Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services. Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you're worthless. Humiliating, degrading or?dehumanising?you.
The Act makes coercive control in current and former intimate partner relationships a?criminal offence. The offence occurs when an adult engages in a 'course of conduct' of abusive behaviour that is intended to coerce or control the other person (the coercive control offence) what is the penalty? If found guilty of coercive control, the maximum penalty is?seven years imprisonment.?If you find yourself being charged with coercive control and require a lawyer, the Criminal Team and Coutts Lawyers and Conveyancers are happy to help you navigate this new offence.
?If you have?anger management ?issues?please seek help
?There is no ambiguity in Domestic Violence. More women than men are the victims of domestic violence however, I am hearing more men tell me about their partners hitting, biting scratching yelling and kicking them together with drunken tirades.
So, let's clear it up what constitutes Domestic violence?
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Domestic violence, is a pattern of behaviour where one person tries to dominate and control the other. Family violence can include a range of behaviours, including the following.
Physical abuse?Hitting, punching, pulling by the hair, choking, pinching, pushing, stabbing or restraining you in any way. Physical injuries are often directed at parts of the body that other people will not see.
?Using weapons to frighten you or causing damage to property. ? Not letting you sleep, eat, or take your medication. Verbal abuse
? Harassing or threatening you.
? Saying things to frighten you. For example, telling you that the children won’t live with you if you leave.
? Calling you insulting names.
? Undermining you as a parent in front of the children.
Sexual abuse?? Forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to or making you engage in sexual practices you are not comfortable with.
? Making you wear clothes you are not comfortable with. Emotional abuse
? Withdrawing from you and not giving you support.
? Controlling you with anger or by not speaking to you.
? Expressing extreme jealousy.
? Stopping you from using the phone or transport.
? Not giving you an opportunity to make choices for yourself.
? Harming your pets.
Family violence is a deliberate act and is rarely an isolated event:?Over time, the violence tends to increase in frequency and severity.
Social abuse?putting you down in front of other people.
? Lying about you to other people.
? Isolating you from people who do support you.
? Not letting you visit a doctor on your own.
? Controlling your life; not letting you have a life outside the home.
Financial abuse?controlling the money so you are financially dependent.
? Forcing you to sign for loans you might not agree with.
? Questioning you about every purchase you make.
? Using joint finances for personal use.
? Incurring debts for which you are also responsible.
Spiritual abuse:
? Not letting you practise your own religion.
? Forcing you to follow a religion that you don’t want to.
Stalking
? Constantly making phone calls to you, or sending text messages, emails, faxes, letters or unwanted gifts to you.
? Loitering near your home or workplace.
? Spying on you or following you.
If you feel unsafe please?CALL Emergency 000
Where and who can help:
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Darleen Barton | Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author
Practitioner
Address?Servcorp offices-?Level 1 The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600
Phone??0261983423
Email:?[email protected]
Website?www.dipac.com.au?
Mediator?Nationally Accredited | NMAS | AIFLAM | AMA|?
Facilitator Family Group Conferencing
Counsellor/ Therapist?/ Positive Psychology- Nationally Accredited |ACA|IICT
Executive coach?Nationally Accredited |ICF
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If at any time you, a family member or friend feels overwhelmed to the point they feel they need help call immediately?000?OR?131114
There is always a way through your current thoughts.
Information sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-wisdom-of-anger
Book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/contributors/david-ludden-phd
Strategic Leadership in Organizational Growth, Quality Management & IT Optimization | Expertise in ISO 9001 | Author & Thought Leader on Leadership & Management
1 年Very impressive indeed. Thank you ??