Why Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships is Easier Said than Done

Thursday Thoughts with Makara Kabia:

Why Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships is Easier Said than Done

Toxic relationships are often more than just a source of emotional pain; they can feel like a trap, pulling individuals into a cycle that’s both destructive and difficult to escape. Have you ever wondered why people, despite experiencing pain and unhappiness, find it hard to leave toxic relationships??

Today, we’ll explore this question by looking at Sarah’s story—a fictional but realistic case study that highlights the multifaceted struggle of those in toxic relationships. Through understanding Sarah’s experience, we can learn how to approach others in similar situations with empathy and support.?

Disclaimer! I firmly believe in the beauty and strength of marriage. When nurtured with love, respect, and mutual understanding, marriage becomes a powerful foundation that not only enriches the lives of the partners involved but also creates a healthy environment for growth, joy, and companionship. A strong marriage can be a source of comfort and resilience, helping individuals weather life’s storms together. However, it’s essential to recognize that not all relationships offer this foundation, and some can become harmful or even dangerous, leading to a need for deeper understanding and support for those caught in toxic dynamics.

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Case Study: Sarah’s Journey?

Sarah, a 32-year-old woman, has been in a relationship for ten years that started with joy, love, and support. Her partner was attentive and caring, making her feel valued and understood. As the years passed, however, things began to change subtly. Her partner started criticizing her choices, controlling her social interactions, and making her feel that she couldn’t manage without him. Although she noticed these changes, she convinced herself that they were minor or temporary, holding on to the memories of their happier times together. She still hoped that the man she once knew would return.?

Over time, her partner’s behavior became more toxic, evolving into emotional and verbal abuse that shattered Sarah’s self-esteem. Isolated from friends and family, Sarah depended on him both emotionally and financially, which made the idea of leaving nearly impossible. He frequently dismissed her feelings and concerns, often making her doubt her own perspective. Every time she considered leaving, he would either apologize and promise to change or make her feel as though the relationship’s problems were her fault. These cycles of manipulation and “honeymoon” periods left Sarah feeling confused and trapped, with her self-worth diminished.?

After a decade in the relationship, Sarah finds herself in a constant state of emotional exhaustion, haunted by the realization that this isn’t the life she wanted. She dreams of freedom and happiness but feels incapable of achieving it, questioning her worth and fearing an uncertain future. The deep psychological hold her partner has on her, combined with financial dependency and isolation, keeps her bound to him, even as she yearns for a way out.

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Understanding the Factors That Trap People in Toxic Relationships?

Sarah’s story exemplifies the many complex factors that make leaving a toxic relationship so challenging.?

Let’s explore the key elements that contribute to her situation:

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1. Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting?

One of the most powerful tools in a toxic relationship is emotional manipulation —particularly a tactic known as gaslighting. Gaslighting occurs when the abusive partner manipulates situations to make the other person question their perception of reality. For instance, Sarah’s partner often dismisses her concerns, claiming she’s “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” Over time, Sarah begins to doubt her feelings, even questioning whether she’s misinterpreting his hurtful behavior.?

Gaslighting leaves individuals in a fog of self-doubt, making it challenging for them to make decisions confidently. Sarah finds herself wondering if she’s the problem, and the longer this goes on, the more difficult it becomes for her to trust her instincts. For someone in her position, understanding what’s real and what’s a distortion can feel like an overwhelming task.

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2. Dependency and Isolation?

Another factor that holds people in toxic relationships is dependency - not just financially but emotionally and socially. Over the years, Sarah’s partner has isolated her from her friends and family. Initially, it was indirect, with him suggesting that they spend more time together as a couple. But as time went on, he discouraged her from seeing friends or even family, convincing her that they “don’t understand us” or “don’t have our best interests at heart.”?

This isolation serves a purpose: it leaves Sarah reliant on him for emotional support and companionship. Without a solid support network, Sarah has no one to validate her experiences, making it even harder to break free. Dependence can also be financial, as is the case with Sarah. Her partner is the primary earner, which he often uses to exert control, reminding her that she “wouldn’t survive without him.”

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3. Societal and Cultural Pressure?

Cultural norms and societal expectations can sometimes add another layer of difficulty. In many cultures (like ours), relationships and marriages are seen as lifelong commitments that one should persevere through, regardless of challenges. Friends and family members, even with good intentions, might advise Sarah to “try harder” or “make things work,” deceitfully implying that leaving would be a failure on her part.?

The societal expectation to endure and “fix” relationships rather than end them often leads to feelings of shame and guilt. Sarah is plagued by thoughts like, “What will people think?” or “Am I being selfish?” These societal pressures can be potent obstacles, holding her back from making choices in her best interest.?

4. The Cycle of Abuse and “Hope for Change”?

A toxic relationship often involves a cycle of abuse that keeps the person trapped. This cycle typically includes periods of tension, followed by incidents of abuse, and then a phase known as the “honeymoon period.” During this honeymoon phase, the abuser might express regret, show affection, or promise to change. Sarah has experienced this cycle countless times. After every hurtful episode, her partner apologizes, and for a short while, things seem to improve. These moments give Sarah hope that he might genuinely change, which makes leaving feel premature.?

This hope for change is one of the most common reasons people stay. Sarah clings to the memory of the kind, loving person he once was, hoping he’ll return to that version of himself. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change without intervention, and this cycle continues, binding Sarah to a future filled with unfulfilled promises.?

5. Low Self-Esteem and Belief Systems?

Toxic relationships can erode a person’s self-esteem to the point where they believe they aren’t worthy of better. Sarah’s partner has systematically worn down her confidence, convincing her that no one else would want her or that she wouldn’t succeed on her own. After years of hearing such messages, Sarah has internalized them, leading her to believe that she doesn’t deserve a healthy relationship or that she’s somehow to blame for her partner’s behavior.?

This internalized belief system becomes a barrier, making the thought of leaving seem impossible. With diminished self-worth, Sarah feels powerless to take action and lacks the confidence to see her life beyond the relationship.?

6. Fear of the Unknown?

For many, staying in a toxic relationship is less frightening than facing the unknown. While Sarah understands that her relationship is harmful, she also fears what life might be like without her partner. Will she be financially stable? Will she be able to manage on her own? This fear of uncertainty is intensified by the dependency and isolation mentioned earlier, creating a paralyzing fear that makes the known misery feel safer than an uncertain freedom.?

Leaving would require Sarah to face a daunting array of changes, and with her current level of self-doubt, these fears can feel overwhelming. This sense of the unknown keeps many people tethered to relationships they know are unhealthy.

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How We Can Support Those in Toxic Relationships

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For friends, family, and society, understanding these complexities is vital in providing genuine support.?

Here are some ways to help:?

1. Non-judgmental Listening: Instead of urging someone to leave, create a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel heard. Validating their experiences without pressing for immediate action builds trust.?

2. Providing Resources: Gently offering information about counseling, support groups, and other resources empowers the person to seek help when they’re ready (this is the very reason why the Safe Haven Support Sphere exist)?

3. Offering Emotional Support: Toxic relationships drain a person’s emotional strength. Being there without expecting immediate change can be a significant source of strength for them.?

4. Respecting Their Agency: Leaving a relationship is a deeply personal decision. Respecting someone’s autonomy and supporting their choices helps them regain their sense of control.?

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The Path to Freedom: The journey out of a toxic relationship is a process—one that requires immense courage and self-compassion. For Sarah, breaking free might involve rediscovering her own worth, reconnecting with her support network, and envisioning a future where her happiness isn’t tied to another person’s approval.?

Thought for the Day: Breaking free isn’t about making one big leap but taking small, deliberate steps toward self-worth, independence, and healing. Let’s strive to support those we know who may be going through similar challenges, offering them our compassion, understanding, and unwavering belief that they deserve better.

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Let’s keep learning and growing together.

Makara Kabia

Team Lead, Safe Haven Support Sphere