Why Blame Men (only) For Misogyny

To begin with let me clarify (before I’m trolled of being a misogynist myself post reading the title of this article)- I am a staunch feminist. Have always been. Will always be (hopefully because as human beings; we better evolve or else we cease to grow-mentally).

Do I sound paradoxical in the beginning only? I am sure, yes.

To clear the air, I want you to think for a moment; “How many women colleagues have you seen around you unflinchingly supporting their fellow women colleagues (predominantly)?” By a woman colleague supporting another woman colleague what I mean herein is to support & help them learn, relearn, unlearn, grow, evolve, coach, mentor, council, be empathetic, be considerate, be compassionate, lend them a patient ear, make them smile or make their day.” Most of you I am sure would be cringing right now with the truth glaring right there (remembering all the nasty cat fights you’ve witnessed at your workplaces, the cold wars you’ve been privy of & the endless spouts of your women co-worker against another woman at work)!

For those of you; who did not cringe & have witnessed at least some women support their colleagues of the same gender unswerving, let’s step ahead & I want you to think for a moment “How many of those women did you "really" find truly happy when their women colleagues rose above the ranks, succeeded, got the much deserved promotion & above all; they now roll the dice on the table? “. The answer I am sure is maybe some but "very" few!!

I made you stress on your grey cells pertaining to the above two scenarios professionally. Now, let’s try & figure out if it exists within our own households too!

The stark example being the “Saas-Bahu (Mother-in-Law-Daughter-in-law)” Saga! Do I need to delve any more on this? I bet, no. No wonder, why Smriti Irani’s “Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi (Because the mother-in-law was once a Daughter-in-Law) achieved its número uno status continuously for 8 long years and ran 1833 episodes in India.

It made Ekta Kapoor what she is today (I love her business acumen). Star Plus achieved great TRP’s & maintained double digit TRPs for over five years in succession! The show also went on to receive several awards, most of which were won by Smriti Irani (I for sure think she made for a great HRD Minister).

The show was one of the longest running daily soap on Indian television, running from 2000-2008. Even in its eighth year 2008, the show was the topmost show on Indian television boasting of the highest TRP. Ever thought why it swept the nation of its feet and why it struck a chord with them?

Because it resonated with the reality of the turf between a mother-in-law & a daughter-in-law in almost every household. Whether as thinly disguised misogyny or a clear sledgehammer for a nail situation! And, I find it extremely grave that such a friction should exist between these two women of all the people!

In fact, its worth mentioning Veena Venugopal's Book on this subject called " The Mother-In-Law"- The Other Woman in Your Marriage"! The tag line says it all!

If you rearrange the word “Mother-in-Law”, you get “Woman Hitler”. When I shared this with my girlfriends over the coffee table, they roared with laughter. Little did they know, that as they laughed, I could see the pain in their eyes of the tooth & nail fight they share with their mother in laws. So, something, that echoes so intensely in our homes, it is bound to reflect everywhere else in our society.

Because this society is run by a mindset. And, mindsets are impregnated at home. And hence its hardest to change.

And, this change will only happen when in every home the daughter in law would digest a simple fact that her husband came in this world because of his mother. She (The Daughter-in-Law) owes his very existence on this Earth to her (The Mother-in-Law). And, the mother in law needs to understand that now the daughter-in-law is the one the son is going to spend the rest of his life with. And, that she should just let them be.

Every mother-in-law who acts hideous to her daughter-in-law is a misogynist & every daughter-in-law who does not respect her mother-in-law is a misogynist. And we blame men to be misogynists!

You cannot comprehend the agony of a man who’s trying to do the balancing act between one woman who brought him into this world & one, who he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

Merriam-Webster defines “Misogyny” as a hatred of women. It nowhere says its hatred of women “by men”. It seems as if we’ve linked the entire ethos of this word as being women hated by men!!

In a little more than a decade of the professional experience I’ve had so far, I fortunately had some amazing women bosses. But I did have a few not-so-great women bosses too. However, I am thankful to them. For they taught me “Who & What not to be” when my time comes to don the hat of a boss (Though I personally don’t like the word boss itself!! In my mind & world, the word ‘boss’ is a passé now!!). Because,these not-so-great women bosses made it their life agenda to ensure my growth is stunted.

Little did they know that what they were burying was a seed indeed!

In my quest to find the answers to my "Whys" as to why would one woman not support another woman, the below mentioned statistics reinstated my beliefs. My beliefs that sprouted from my own experiences:

1. As Per Catalyst's First Step: India Overview tool, nearly 50 per cent of Indian women drop out of the corporate employment pipeline between junior and mid-levels, compared to 29 per cent across Asia. Ever wondered why except blaming men for it?
2. A Gallup survey which collected responses from 1,032 adults living in the U.S., found women were more likely than men to want a male boss: 39 percent of women wanted to be led by a man, compared with 26 percent of men.
3. In the 60 years that Gallup has conducted this survey, women have never preferred a female boss!
4. A Gallup survey found that 95 percent of working women felt they were undercut by another woman at least once during their professional life.
5. In a study, women working for female supervisors experienced more stress than those who had male supervisors, reported the Wall Street Journal.

This brings me to somehow seek some solace in finding mine or probably the world’s probable answers as to why 53% of the white women voted for Trump. Knowing the sexist, racist & objectification of women he openly & unabashedly propagated in his election campaign. And, I wouldn’t like to reiterate about the nasty and insolent comments and his supposed sexual assaults on women. 15 women since 1980’s have accused him of sexual assault, or some form of sexual harassment. Yet, how could Hillary Clinton who in my mind was clearly much more “qualified” to be the 45th & the 1st woman President of the United States of America could lose to a man who openly brags about groping & kissing women!

I resorted to dig deeper to find my answers to the above mind boggling questions. And I found out that gender bias pits women against women.

1. In a Harvard Business Review, as part of the Gallup survey, a much higher percentage (40%) of American women than American men (29%) prefer to work for a man.
2. Perhaps even more important is the sharp rise in Americans who expressed no preference, even when coaxed to take a stand. Gallup’s question asked, “If you were taking a new job and had your choice of boss, would you prefer a man or a woman?” Only 41% of Americans expressed no preference! This meant that people judge their bosses not by their gender, but as people.

And, I could only find this study closest to my answer as to why Trump won!! But in my mind, do the 53% of the white women stand a chance to be called a misogynist? In my mind, yes. And, the degree of misogyny herein, is much higher as compared to even Trump himself. Period!

As I saw my girlfriends discussing the startling Trump Win over a Pyjama Party, I was trying to find the answers to why he would have won. That’s when one of them quipped to me as to why is it that I am not participating in the anti-Trump gossip (aka banter-if I may dare use this word!)? I said in a heavy voice with a dead pan face- “It’s a Man’s World” And, after a pause; I added, “Its shame on us as women!” And, all my girlfriends were literally gawking me in my face for they never expected their Jhansi ki Rani to even “think” on these lines. I then asked them to think as to how many women in their daily lives go that extra mile to fight for them, to understand them & not judge their successes as well as failures? There was an abominable lull in the room. Somewhere, something stirred in their souls.

Since I hate to have even an iota of despair around my loved ones (and especially because of me), I decided to share 02 stark examples with them to make my stance clearer & take them out of their despondent zones. One is my own painful short little story & one, of our very own Goddess Sita (Someone who I greatly admire & worship):

1)     The 5-Year-Old Me:

We are a sum of the experiences we’ve had since childhood. Our experiences shape us & ultimately make us who we are.

I was in Class II in school. I was 5 years old. In my previous article as an ode to my father, I explained the model child I rose to be owing to my father pushing me to participate in each & every competition. As I gradually started winning, it became an addiction aka Chaska to me. Though initially, (I had admitted earlier too & still admit) I was a very timid child. And, I guess I have fragments of that timid girl alive in me today too.

Christmas was around & we were given a task to make a creative chart on the theme of Christmas back in School. And, we were told that the best chart out of the 04 sections would be displayed on the notice board of that class & will be given the 1st prize. As soon as I heard of this assignment as our teacher explained it, the right-brained that I am, my mind started weaving creative ideas of how I’ll make it unique & innovative.

The moment I rushed home, I took the whole house down with my imaginative ideas to my sisters & mother. I rushed my elder sister to take me to the market to buy me the stuff my creative side of the brain had entwined.

I requested my mother to take out Pistachio shells for my chart! She thought I was crazy! I thought of using Pistachio shells by painting them red and silver and use them as bells for the Christmas Tree.

Back in the market, I could remember my sister making strange faces at me since the shopkeeper could barely see a 5-year-old little girl from the counter. All I could see was my sister’s facial expressions as she tried to convey my depiction to the shopkeeper. So, I bought the best handmade chart paper, lots of glitter, lots of paints, cardboard (to make tiny little gifts out of them & dangle them from the Christmas tree), crayons, stars, Pencil Colors etc. etc.

I came back home & ran to my room with the stuff to begin making the “best” Christmas tree chart. My mother came running to me with milk & nuts as per the regular routine. I asked her for my pistachio shells. She said she’ll do it later. But I didn’t take no for an answer & stuck to my guns.

In the meanwhile, the Man of the House (My Father) arrives. Watching the commotion I had created, he orders me to be quick to eat & drink milk. And, lo & behold, God knows from where, my right wired brain suddenly wheedles me to ask my father for some saw dust & raw straws. I go jump in his arms & throw fits around that I need them for my chart or else I won’t drink the milk & eat. He looked zapped ! It was late already. He politely asks me to behave myself & promises me that he'll be back in a jiffy with what I wanted. I did as he said. My mother sighed!! Father came back as he committed with the sawdust & raw straws. I wanted to use them into the green body of the Christmas Tree to make it look as real as possible.

That night, I was awake till 2 in the morning with my sister to make my chart. We used all that we got for the chart and created it painstakingly into an exquisite piece of art. I of course couldn’t sleep as I was exultant with the result of my hard work (not to forget, it was everyone’s hard work-right from my mother, father & both the sisters).

Next day, I proudly yet sheepishly took my chart to the class. My chart was awarded as the best chart from among-st all the 4 sections. The teacher proudly panned out my chart to all the students and lauded my hard work. It was put on the notice board. I was gratified to the core.

Unlike other students who use to go home at 12 Noon, I use to stay back till 2 PM and attend my Kathak Classes as part of the SUPW initiative by the school because I had to wait for my father till 2 PM. There were few other students like me too. That day, I don’t remember the reason why, but I did not attend my Kathak Class. Since, since beginning, I was always in my own world, so I was reading a storybook in my class & for a moment I thought to just wander outside in the corridor.

After a while, as I came back, I saw 2 girls of my section standing up on the chair near the notice board fiddling with my Christmas Chart. I was unnerved. Before, I could gather the courage to ask them what were they doing, they started hustling my Christmas chart. I immediately sensed they were trying to tear it off. I requested them not to. I pleaded. But they didn’t budge. To protect my chart, I moved ahead & also got onto the chair & tried to stop them. But their resort to destroy my chart was crystal clear. As I tried to vehement their act, one of them held my hands & one of them tore apart my chart right there in front of my eyes. And I remember them furiously cursing me saying “How dare she always wins, lets tear her chart apart, lets destroy it, what’s special in it, why does she always get that importance”. They destroyed it in every possible way they could & walked off.

I remember being hurt to the core of my heart that I so vividly remember this incident till date. I don’t remember howling over it or complaining it to the teacher the next day. But all that remains with me is the hurt it caused. It still lingers. I did not turn vindictive towards those 2 girls.

Though over the next 10 years in school, as I continued to succeed and win accolades in extempore, debates, almost all extra-curricular activities & ultimately the Vice Cultural Head Girl & The Head Girl. I noticed something peculiar. That there always more number of the opposite sex congratulating me over each win of mine. Later in College & finally as I won the National Award, I observed the same trend. As I entered the professional world, the tradition continued.

So, that day the chart that I made with so much heart & passion was not torn by 2 boys! It was unfortunately 2 girls! And were those 02 girls misogynists then? It pains me, but the truth is a BIG YES. And, what they left with an innocent 5 year old girl was a painful memory of the fruit of her hard work being squashed in front of her for no fault of hers.

And, so I learnt that I naturally generate an innate sense of jealously among-st the same gender & that I need to accept this. And, that there is nothing wrong with me (this is since I use to question my own self for the reasons of hostility towards me). So, I have come to terms with it. I chose to not allow this experience to make me bitter. It rather taught me how it feels to be let down by other women! I pledged myself to not let this impact me & think or do ill to any other woman ever. Or else, how will we ever bring about a positive radical change for the women in our society.

2)     The Bold & The Beautiful Sita:

Let’s get to our own mythology. As per the Epic Ramayana in Hindu Mythology, when Sita was asked to give an Agni Pariksha (Fire Test) based on just a comment by a Dhobi (Washer man) since she was kept in Ashok Vatika by Ravana.

Why did all the women of the Ram Rajya not revolt to such an unfair decision being taken against Goddess Sita? Why was Lord Ram not asked to give an Agni Pariksha too since he was also away all this while. Most importantly, where were the women of the house who never counselled Lord Ram of this decision being unfair for Sita as a woman. While none of those women stood for Sita. Sita HAD TO give an Agni Pariksha & she of course came out of it, unscathed.

In my mind, it wasn’t the Dhobi who was a misogynist here. Misogynists were those women who chose to be silent spectators against the unfair decision that was taken against Goddess Sita, both in house & outside. Neither was Ravana in my eyes a misogynist. Fact is he never ever even dared to touch Sita while he kept her in his kingdom.

Later, when Lord Ram realizes his mistake, he requests Sita to come back to him with their 2 sons from the forest. Sita refuses. The reason a livid (though this was rare for her) Sita gives to her husband is that “Firstly, things can never be the same between us they were earlier, you doubted me & asked me to give an Agni Pariksha which I did. Now if today, I come back to you, what example am I setting for times to come for the women across the world?” Sita then leaves Ram, forever. Ladies, we need to learn from Goddess Sita to stand up for other women even when not one woman stood up for her when there was a dire need. That was her stealth, stature & strength. Its high time we as women now follow suit.

The above two examples, one of my own self & the other of our very own mythology are proof enough that there is work to be done in our own Department- The Women Department! For years, we’ve been accusing men for the plight of women in our country & anywhere else in the world. How about looking at our own selves as women for a change? Why should we expect men to support us when we ourselves as women turn our backs from our women counterparts when they most need it?

Point is, that if want to shatter the glass ceiling & if America wants their 46th President to be a Woman, we need to stop the blame game we play with Men.

Ladies, let’s let men be, for the time being.

Let’s look at ourselves first. There’s a lot more work that needs to be done for us as women towards other women. Let’s first ourselves resort to help grow, teach, train & hone the talents of our women. And, when we witness a woman rise in her ladder of success, lets applaud her, let’s celebrate her success rather than wince or judge her laurels. This society will only change if we as women help other women realize their true potential in all walks of our lives- professionally or personally. Therefore, I totally reverberate with Sheryl Sandberg-COO-Facebook, that let’s LEAN IN!

Let’s lean in to keep the spark alive in any woman who we know have it in her to realize all her dreams & to be able to make a difference in this world (no matter how small or big).

I am doing my bit & I urge every woman to do their bit. In the past few months, I met some astounding women who made me feel so proud of myself being a woman. To recognize the unorganized Entrepreneurial segment of our nation- The Street Food Vendors of Varanasi were skilled, assessed & certified under the Pradhan Mantri Kaushal Vikas Yojana (PMKVY) Recognition of Prior (RPL) scheme. And, I had the immense privilege to meet the all women batch in one of our training centers in Varanasi. I was in awe of their business acumen as well as their ability to manage both their home & kids.

Since I wanted to make it comfortable for all of them, we had this all women batch. Yet, there was this one bold woman who didn’t give a toss to be the only woman among-st an all Men Batch. She was one flamboyant women. Loved her spirit & zest for life.

Later at the SKAL Conference 2016 in Cochi, I met Laxmi. Laxmi was my Naturalist & ensured that everything that I ate, breathe, use on my body or wear is all natural. Most of all, the natural look indeed made me feel beautiful inside out! Laxmi lives away from her family that is in Allepy & works for a living in Cochi. I learnt a lot from Laxmi on how mother nature has given us everything in abundance and how we as women can celebrate womanhood by being as close to the nature as we can.

During the conference, I met some amazing women who are working relentlessly towards skilling young girls into hospitality & tourism arena. I was also lucky to have met women who are actively working towards women’s rights. Some veterans from the Industry who have now resorted to skill & help many young girls from villages in Rural India make a living & do proud to their families.

In my mind, the only way to bridge the so-called gender gap in any form of dynamics is when one woman supports another woman always anywhere & everywhere. American satirist HL Mencken defined a misogynist as “a man who hates women as much as women hate one another”. So, ladies, let’s put a stop to blaming men right now for being sexists, misogynists & slobs to the cause of women. The stage to deal with men has not yet come. We are fighting the battle among-st ourselves only.

Let’s first create equal standards of morals within our own hearts for every other woman we come across. We as women need to be compassionate & act as a catalyst in other women’s growth & evolution first. We’ll get to the Men later. Though, from where I see it, the Men will take the cue & follow!

November 19 is International's Men's Day. Yet, I never find any fervor, media or any other platform thronging wishes for men or celebrating men unlike how it happens for women on Women's Day. Now what should this be called? Are we trying to achieve gender equality by alienating one gender? This is hypocritical. For I call this, Misandry. And, this needs to stop, immediately. We need to begin to celebrate our men just as we talk about celebrating women. Men have a great degree of insidious pressures about which they seldom talk. Its heartening how Men are brought up-that its 'unmanly' to cry, how can you as a 'boy' cry? They are taught to be stoic & hence they become stolid.

And, the tragic part is that no one is talking about it!

So, this is to all the Men Out There.

"Happy International Men's Day. You Rock. You are Respected, Appreciated of all the small & big acts of affection you shower. The immense hard work you put in to make for a living is worth lauding. Your hardships are understood. Your pain is felt. Salute your strength & valor to keep up to this tough world. Your zeal to keep your head above the troubled waters is applauded. YOU ARE "also" celebrated indeed, for you deserve to be, in every possible way".