Why Being a Leader Trumps Being a Friend When You're a Manager

You need to have direct reports to understand the struggle of balancing friendship with leadership.

In one sense, friendship shouldn’t be on the table, but building quality relationships is a key to leadership success. So what gives? Do you prioritize friendship or leadership? Should you be the boss or a buddy first?

Wikipedia defines friendship as a relationship of mutual affection between people. While there is nothing wrong with a platonic relationship with mutual affection between colleagues, the best leaders see the lines of friendship and leadership differently. They know their primary job is not friendship but remembering the purpose of leadership.?

Which boils down to elevating others to higher levels of performance.? In Building the Best, I defined a leader as someone whose actions inspire, empower, and serve to elevate others.?

The purpose of leadership is elevating others to higher levels of performance.

This doesn’t mean you should avoid or reject being friends with a team member. If a friendship grows, that is great, but that’s not the purpose of the relationship.?The best leaders remember this because they know most team members don’t want or even need a friend from their boss, but they do have to know their boss cares about them.? You could think of it this way:?

Friendship in leadership is optional, caring is required.

When managers prioritize leadership, employees typically view them with more respect, reliability, impartiality, and fairness. All are important perceptions in a professional relationship.?

Risks of Being a Buddy

If being friends with a team member becomes more critical than elevating them to higher levels of performance, your priorities need alignment. When managers prioritize being a buddy over a boss, a few risks can present themselves:

• Blurred Boundaries – This can cause blurred lines about roles, responsibilities, and decision-making.??
• Favoritism and Bias – This can lead to actual or perceived favoritism or preferred treatment.
• Difficulty Having Direct Dialogues – This can lead to resistance to providing honest and constructive feedback.
• Conflicts of Interest – This can change decisions based on personal feelings rather than what’s in the team’s best interest.?

Here are some ideas if you have fallen too much into the “buddy zone” as a manager.??

1.?Be Demanding and Caring

Even using the word demanding as a leader is extreme in today’s work culture. With so many employees struggling with burnout, stress, and anxiety, how demanding a leader is at a given time is a critical decision. The mental and physical health of people must always outweigh any short-term achievement that comes because a leader is demanding.

That aside, one of the best and often overlooked strategies is to pair demanding with an expression of care. An example of this would be providing difficult feedback but pairing it with something they are doing positively. For example, “I am telling you this because I believe in you and know you can do it.”?

In our research, we found that leaders whose style is to elevate are demanding and caring at the same time. You can take the free quiz to find out your style here.

2. Elevate the Standards

To ensure leadership comes before friendship, it’s a great idea to elevate the standard of what kind of behavior leads to performance. A standard is defined as what good looks like. However, managers define what good looks like, and leaders define what great looks like.?

Your team’s behavior will default to the standards that you demonstrate and emphasize. If you want to boost employee performance, watch this short video:

3. Act Like a Coach

Inky Johnson said, “You don’t rise to the occasion. You revert back to your training.”

You don't rise to the occasion. You revert back to your training.

The best leaders know this, so they coach, teach, and challenge their team members in training.?Just think of the best sports coaches in the world. They are constantly looking for ways to bring out the best in their players and help them get from where they are to where they want or need to be. The same must be true for you. The best bosses have an edge. They challenge their team to go beyond what they think they are capable of.??

Arm yourself with a set of go-to coaching questions to get your people to think differently and solve their problems. If you are looking for a few additional ideas, check out this column:?

Closing

No one likes change, and there is a high likelihood you will be met with resistance or downright defiance. Be prepared and willing to follow up and follow through with your leadership mindset over friendship.?

What’s interesting about this topic of friendship and leadership is that there isn’t only one correct way. I have had team members with whom real, legitimate lifelong friendships developed because of our work together and others with whom it didn’t. I am profoundly grateful for both.??

However, as long as you keep the main thing, the main thing, and focus on elevating others to higher levels of performance as your primary responsibility, the rest will take care of itself.?

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About the Author:?John Eades ?is the CEO of?LearnLoft ?and the creator of the?Accelerate Leadership System . He was named one of LinkedIn’s Top Voices. John is also the author of Building the Best: 8 Proven Leadership Principles to Elevate Others to Success . You can follow him on Instagram @johngeades .