Why Being Disliked Sets You Free

One morning, a thought suddenly popped into my head and said: “What’s the point of everything you’re doing? You spent a whole week writing a long article, putting in all the wisdom you've gained over these seven years. But after you published it, it didn’t get many views. Even if there were a few scattered reads, shares, or likes, so what? Is what you’re doing important? You didn’t make any money from sharing this, either. You could even earn some money to buy you three meals by working on a construction site for a day. What are you doing? What’s the point? Go find a real, decent, high-paying job!” This voice threw me into a brief but intense feeling of meaninglessness.

At that moment, instead of continuing to follow this self-critical, so-called "rational" voice like before, I quickly recognized it. This voice has been controlling me since I graduated from elementary school, and I've let it dominate my life for 27 years now.

Before I graduated from elementary school, I was the school captain for three consecutive years. During this time, I was the star of the school dance team, always performing dances on stage during festivals; I was also a leader in the piano team, often playing in front of the whole school. I never missed a speech contest and winning was the norm for me. I was always the conductor in choir activities, standing in the middle.?

But after elementary school, this “rational” voice was born. It told me that from now on, I needed to give up all the hobbies I loved, including dance and piano because they were useless. It also said I shouldn’t compete for any leadership roles. I should keep a low profile, blend in with the crowd so no one would notice me, and focus on studying. Because only good students earn respect and recognition. I just needed to focus on one thing—getting into college. That’s what society expects of me, right? So I demanded that I meet this expectation willingly. I made a pact with society, always telling myself—hide all your energy, study hard, get into college, find a decent job, earn a lot of money, and become the pride of the whole family.

And so, I did get into a prestigious university, then went on to a top graduate school, and then worked at various Fortune 500 companies, moving up from an intern to a director, upgrading from a Nissan to a Mercedes, from ordinary bags to Chanel, Gucci, and LV. The job titles and luxury purchases were my way of proving my value to society. I met all the expectations from myself, my family, and society, becoming the best version of what they hoped for. I never let them down. That was my life before I turned 30. My “rational voice” was always satisfied with my performance: “Well done! You’ve suppressed yourself well! You fit perfectly with mainstream society’s standards! Just let everything go on as planned!”

Back to that morning, when I recognized this “rational voice,” I began to argue with it.

I asked her: “You used to have high-paying and stable jobs; did you feel life was meaningful? If it was, why did you quit your job at 30 to start a business? And then continue to do so for seven years?”

Rational voice: “Well...”

I told the rational voice: “You can’t answer this question, can you? Doesn’t this show that stable jobs, fancy titles, and a regular paycheck hitting your bank account every month aren’t the only measures of personal value? And they can’t necessarily give you a lasting sense of meaning either?”

I continued to ask: “How much traffic do you think your content needs to get for you to feel it’s meaningful? Ten thousand? A million? Ten million? Or in any job, how much money do you think you need to earn for it to feel meaningful? A million? Ten million? A hundred million? Ten billion?”

Rational Voice: “Um... It feels like there’s no end to it, like it’s never enough, or the more, the better—there’s no limit.”

I continued questioning her: “Let me ask you in another way: do you think those creators who have gained massive traffic all feel that their sharing is meaningful?”

Rational Voice: “Of course not. For example, Liza Koshy is a creator I used to like. She has tens of millions of followers but couldn’t continue sharing content because she realized she was always wearing a mask, pretending to be someone she wasn’t. None of her content was her true self, and over time, she couldn’t go on. In recent years, many similar creators with tens of millions of followers have chosen to quit. They couldn’t find fulfillment in all that traffic. They didn’t gain satisfaction from the massive traffic and money; instead, they felt trapped by these external things. They felt less free and lost their sense of self, feeling like they were working for others every day—working for employees, for social media platforms, for their fans, for their identity labels, losing more and more of themselves.”

I agreed with her point: “Yeah, doesn’t that prove that the sense of meaning and happiness from content creation and sharing doesn’t come from external material feedback, right? Including views, shares, likes, and the money that comes with it.”

I continued asking the rational voice: “Let me ask you one more core question—if you got a lot of traffic, shares, likes, and the money that comes with it, how would you feel?”

Rational Voice responded: “Of course, I’d be ecstatic!”

I asked: “What if you didn’t get any traffic, shares, or likes? What if you even received negative comments or online hate?”

Rational Voice reacted: “Then, of course, I’d be sad. I might even develop depression...”

So, I excitedly told her: “Oh! We’ve found the answer! If the external feedback is ‘good,’ you feel ecstatic. If the external feedback is ‘bad,’ you feel depressed. Doesn’t that make you a ‘slave’ to external feedback? Do you want to be a slave to external feedback?”

The rational voice suddenly had a moment of enlightenment and firmly answered: “No, I don’t want to be a slave to anyone or anything, including external feedback. I want to be free.”

The conversation between me and the rational voice ended there. At that moment, I realized that what I thought was the “rational voice” wasn’t that rational at all. It mainly represented “fear” and “scarcity.” Her seemingly logical arguments, which aligned with societal norms, couldn’t stand up to scrutiny; they appeared one-sided and emotional.

At this point, I found the real question I wanted to answer:

When we show the best side of our lives on social media, it’s because we want external recognition (likes, shares). We’ve always cared about others’ opinions, from the praises and criticisms of others growing up to the little rewards from teachers and recognition from company leaders, promotions, and raises. It seems to fit our human instinct as social animals who need mutual dependence.?

But this instinct also traps us in a cage of external feedback—we become enslaved by others’ evaluations and the material rewards (little stars, salaries, and various other rewards) that come with them. So, we wear a mask, conform to societal standards, try to please everyone outside of ourselves, and rely on their positive feedback to feel safe and valuable.?

But this feeling is given by others and can be taken away at any moment, so we often lack a sense of security and frequently doubt our own value. How can we live as our true selves, not be trapped by external feedback, while still maintaining wealth, respect, and a sense of value?

Another question is, if status, money, traffic, likes, and shares from others can’t give us a definite, stable, and long-lasting sense of meaning, then what is the meaning of our life and work? We humans are a kind of species that loves to seek “meaning,” because that’s the most significant difference between us and other animals. Bees don’t think about the meaning of working hard every day to make honey; they just follow the automatic program designed by their genes.?

But we humans need to know the meaning behind our work. We are not satisfied with the original settings of our genes. We have self-awareness and subconsciousness, allowing us to think beyond automated programs and explore a broader spiritual world, which is “cognition,” or “wisdom.” And our actions are entirely determined by our level of cognition or wisdom. Change our cognition, and we change our behavior; change our behavior, and we change our destiny. So, we must think clearly about what the true meaning of our life and work is.

When I was feeling confused, the book The Courage to be Disliked gave me all the answers. You might feel uncomfortable with the ideas in the book, and I was often shocked when I read it. But if you finish reading it and grasp its essence, I believe your life will, like mine, undergo a dramatic transformation—becoming lighter, happier, freer, and more meaningful.

The Courage to be Disliked presents the fundamental concepts of Adlerian psychology. Globally, Adler is recognized as one of the “Big Three” in psychology, alongside Freud and Jung. Adler promoted "individual psychology." Dale Carnegie, the famous author of the best-seller How to Win Friends and Influence People, once said: “Adler was a great psychologist who spent his life studying human potential.” Yet, despite Adler's ideas being a century ahead of his time, we still struggle to keep up with them.?

Chapter 1: Your current state is not controlled by your past; you can change it immediately.

The first important idea in Adlerian psychology is that your past does not dictate your present decisions, and you do not have to carry the burden of what happened before.?

Traditional thinking often follows the law of cause and effect. For example, “Because my family was not great when I was growing up, I always have these problems in my heart, and my parents are to blame for this; because I didn’t get into a good university, I can’t find a good job now; or, I have always had a tense relationship with my father, so now we don’t communicate at all; or, I have always worked in operations, so I can’t switch to a development job; or, I grew up in this city, so I have to stay here with my family; or, I used to be a high-level manager in a company, so I can’t just switch careers and start from scratch.”?

These kinds of fixed thinking patterns use the past to control our behavior in the present.

Adlerian psychology suggests that you are just using past events as excuses for not wanting to change your current situation. Whether you change your current state is entirely up to you.?

Let’s use the same examples—actually, you just don’t want to actively heal the issues in your heart, and maybe you even want to keep these issues as a way to punish and blame your family.?

You use your unhappy childhood as an excuse to remain psychologically troubled. How comforting that is. Or, you simply don’t plan to find a good job; you keep setting mental limits for yourself.?

Not getting into a good university is just one of the reasons you made up so you don’t have to work hard to get a good job—how convenient.?

Or, you just want zero communication with your father, maybe even avoiding any contact as a form of revenge, and the strained relationship you had is simply an excuse you use to not take the initiative to communicate with him. No need to face the problem—so much easier.?

Or, you just don’t want to switch to development work; you agree with society’s rule that arts students can’t do development. So, you use your history of working in operations as an excuse to avoid switching to development, so you don’t have to take courses after work or fight for development projects—more time to watch TV shows instead.?

Or, you simply don’t want to leave the city you grew up in; you use your familiar environment as an excuse not to challenge yourself with a new place. That way, you can live with your parents and have them take care of you—how stable.?

Or, you just don’t want to change your career path; you prefer staying in a comfortable position because it’s easier and safer. The idea of “I used to be an executive in this industry” is just an excuse you use to comfort yourself, so you don’t have to take any risks of failure—how safe.

By swapping the cause and effect like this, you’ll see that the current state is actually in your hands. You are not a slave to anything that happened in the past; it’s all about whether you “want” to change.?

Simply put, it’s not that you “have to” do something but that you “choose” to do it.?

It’s not “the mind follows the situation”; it’s “the situation follows the mind.” In other words, if you want to make a change and realize that everything that happened in the past is just an excuse to stop you, you can take action right away, and change will happen immediately.

In my case, this theory of “the present is not controlled by the past” is significant because it taught me that I can try any job I want at any stage of my life. My past experiences at Fortune 500 companies, my previous startup ventures, my education background, the positions I held, and the 15 years of work experience—all of that can be let go. I can let my current self follow my curiosity and let my interests guide me to try, fail, experience, explore, and grow. I am the master of the present, not a puppet of the past. Everything is just the beginning.

Chapter 2: Most of us need to practice "Task Separation"

One of Adler's core ideas is that when we can completely separate our own tasks from others, we become free. All our troubles stem from interpersonal relationships.

1. Seeking others' approval is not a high-level need for self-fulfillment but an instinctual desire, a human weakness

Humans are social animals, and this social nature gives us the inherent instinct to “seek others’ approval to increase our chances of survival.” This constant need to meet others' expectations is called “inclination” in psychology. We often confuse this “human instinct” with the “self-fulfillment” need in Maslow's hierarchy, thinking that getting others’ likes means achieving self-worth. But it’s the opposite. Tying others’ “opinions” of us to our “self-worth” leads to unhealthy outcomes, such as the rising rates of depression in society. What’s more, others’ expectations have nothing to do with our self-worth. In fact, using others’ opinions as the standard to judge our value forces us never to achieve true self-worth.

Adlerian psychology points out that the desire for others’ approval is like a stone rolling down a mountain. Following this desire is like letting the stone roll wherever it wants. Only by climbing against its direction can we overcome the immense harm this desire brings us.

How harmful is this instinctual desire? When we instinctively want to meet others’ expectations, we use all kinds of pleasing behaviors to prove that we are worthy of love and acceptance. We continuously cover up our true needs and thoughts, and over time, our true personality beneath the mask becomes more and more blurred until one day, you realize that—you and society have conspired together to kill your true self.?

Only when you can clearly separate others’ expectations from your own choices can you give your vitality back to yourself and become who you truly are. I now believe that “becoming yourself” is the only thing a person needs to do in their lifetime because it is so difficult. It takes a lifetime to explore, break through, understand, and practice.

Whether it’s trying to control others to fulfill our needs and desires, or trying to meet others’ expectations and gain their approval, the essence is the same: they are both human instinctual desires. This inclination is not a “self-sacrifice” or a “noble sense of responsibility for others,” but a human weakness that needs to be overcome.

For example, we often hear things like: “I love you, so you must be responsible for the love I give you!” Parents often enslave and control their children this way. When children disobey or resist, parents might cry and say, “I’m doing all this for your own good!” The hidden message is that because of this love, children must give up their own thoughts and unconditionally follow their parents' will to meet their expectations. But the truth should be: “I love you, and it has nothing to do with you.” Parents have the responsibility to teach the right values—that’s their task. But the child ultimately makes their own choices—that’s the child’s task, and they are responsible for the outcome, not the parent. To use an inappropriate analogy, we can lead a horse to water, but whether it drinks or not is the horse's choice.

2. Seeking others’ approval is fundamentally “selfish”

Employees who always obey their boss, no matter if the decisions are right or wrong, are doing it to meet the boss’s expectations. Is it really for the boss? Is it really for the company’s growth? It’s actually for themselves. Deep down, the employees are avoiding responsibility, knowing that any mistakes will fall on the boss. As long as they don’t challenge the boss’s decisions, stay obedient, and don’t upset the leader, their job and income remain secure, regardless of who is in charge.

Adlerian psychology points out that when you meet others' expectations, you are doing it to get what you want. You are the one taking from others.

Parents often say that their demands, expectations, and control over their children are all for the child’s future. But is it really for the child? It’s actually for the parents themselves. Deep down, parents hope to satisfy their own vanity, using their children to fulfill their expectations and achieve personal goals like “bringing honor to the family.” It might even be about competing with other parents’ children. Or, they want to ensure they have someone to rely on in old age. At the very least, they want to avoid worrying about this “troublemaker” in the future to secure some peace and convenience.

A wife might constantly ask her husband to lose weight, claiming it’s for his health. Is it really for him? It’s actually for herself. Deep down, she doesn’t want to become a widow at a young age. She also wants to avoid going to the hospital daily to care for a husband hospitalized due to obesity-related issues. At the very least, she wants a healthy partner to share life’s burdens.

3. Seeking others’ approval makes you a victim of the “reward and punishment system”

Being afraid of being disliked and doing everything possible to meet others' demands isn’t our fault. We’ve grown up unconsciously in various reward and punishment systems to meet the expectations of those who set them. Adlerian psychology defines these “expectations” as “manipulation.”

For example, a company’s OKR and 360-degree evaluation system, along with year-end bonus reviews, push us to satisfy everyone at work, making our own thoughts less important. In school, it’s even more obvious. When I was in middle school, I was moved to the fifth row with the “problematic” students after a bad test, even though my height meant I should have been in the front row. And when I accidentally got the top grade, the teacher treated me like I was his own child.

Adlerian psychology also discourages parents from praising their children. For instance, when a child mops the floor, and the parent praises them, saying, “You’re amazing! Great job!” This kind of praise is hierarchical, like a higher being controlling a lower one.

For example, if it was a friend who mopped the floor, would you praise them like that? Most likely, you would just say, “Thank you!” instead of “You’re amazing!” Similarly, when training animals like monkeys, we give them bananas or nuts when they perform as we expect or punish them when they don’t. Over time, the monkey relies on our feedback to decide its behavior, using our rewards or punishments to define its value.

When parents use rewards or punishment to judge their child’s behavior, the child’s sense of value becomes dependent on the parent’s opinion, not their inner strength. Whether it’s praise or punishment, it’s essentially the same—it’s like the scores on a school test, leading children to think: if I score high, I’m valuable; if I score low, I’m worthless. Similarly, if my mom praises me, I’m a good person, or if she scolds me, I must be awful.

See, we grow up gradually handing over the right to judge our value to various reward and punishment systems. As kids, we needed the school’s high scores to prove our worth. As adults, we need salaries, luxury cars, designer bags, titles, likes, followers, and positive feedback to define our worth. When these rewards turn into punishments, like unemployment, poverty, or being ignored, insulted, or demoted—even retirement taking away our former status and respect—our sense of self-worth disappears.

When we live within others’ reward and punishment systems to meet their goals and expectations, who exactly are these “others”? And who are “we”? What are “our” goals? This is the only life we have, so why live according to others’ goals?

4. When we learn task separation, we become free

Using the example at the beginning of my article—writing is my process of sorting through my life experiences to achieve continuous spiritual growth. It is my task and has nothing to do with others. Deciding to share what I wrote is my way of sharing with people who resonate with me. The intention and act of sharing end the moment I publish the content; everything after that has nothing to do with me. Whether others resonate with it or get inspired, that’s their business or maybe the algorithm’s, and it has nothing to do with me. Others’ likes, or criticism, are just reflections of their perceptions and have no relation to me. So, the number of followers, likes, or positive comments has nothing to do with me. I only need to focus on writing, sharing, and doing my best at distributing on platforms.

I’m certain that I’m not writing and sharing for money because if I were, there are millions of faster ways to make money. At 30, eight years ago, I had a job with an annual salary of $400k. I chose to start over with zero salary and invest most of my savings into a startup two years later. I realized that from a young age, I’ve never been someone who does things purely for money. I choose to do things that hold deep meaning for me, and if I happen to make money, that’s just a bonus from my inner growth.

Adler’s theory emphasizes that individuals should clearly distinguish between areas they can control (like their thoughts, actions, and internal motivation) and areas that belong to others or the outside world (like others’ feedback and reactions). This ability to separate frees us from being controlled by others' evaluations and allows us to focus on what we truly have control over.

I recently heard a quote from a marketing expert I admire, Chris Do, which greatly inspired me:

“The so-called personal branding isn’t about using your personality to sell products but a journey of self-discovery. On this journey, we uncover the wounds we’ve always ignored and heal them. When we’re truly healed, we become our true selves, and a personal brand is naturally established.”

“I’d rather have only 10 people follow the real me than have 100 million follow a version of me that’s fake.”

Similarly, when applied to parenting—take a simple thing like a five-year-old needing to tie their shoes before going out. Tying shoes is their task, not mine. I shouldn’t convince myself that “the child is too young, so they can’t do it; I must do it for them.” If the child refuses to tie their shoes and goes out, they’ll fall and remember why people need to tie shoes.

What is my task?

First, I must unconditionally believe that my child has the ability to learn how to tie their shoes and can do all the things they are supposed to do independently. I must trust they have the strength to solve any problems they face in life.

Second, I must let my child know that when they need help, I am always there.

Third, when my child asks for help, I am by their side, patiently teaching them how to tie their shoes, reassuring them that it’s normal to struggle at first, and sharing that I also couldn’t tie my shoes as a child but learned after practicing a few times.

5. The key to happiness, freedom, and abundance—shifting from “vertical relationships” to “horizontal relationships”

Adlerian psychology encourages us to turn all relationships from “vertical” to “horizontal.” When you shift your view of one relationship from “vertical” to “horizontal,” all your relationships will change to horizontal. On the other hand, if you see any relationship as “vertical,” you’ll see all relationships as vertical. In other words, “horizontal” and “vertical” relationships are two different ways of thinking that cannot coexist.

In my view, transforming vertical relationships into horizontal ones is the core action for becoming an independent individual, not swayed by surrounding relationships. It holds revolutionary significance and can be a secret weapon for self-discovery, self-actualization, and achievement. If you understand its true meaning and put it into practice, you’ll find its immense power, at the very least enabling you to live a completely different life—a happier, freer, and more abundant life.

What is a vertical relationship? It is a top-down relationship where the person above has absolute control over the person below, who must obey without question. What is a horizontal relationship? It is an equal relationship, where both sides are partners cooperating for mutual benefit.

When horizontal relationships replace vertical ones, why does it unleash such incredible power? The following examples provide some insight:

Example 1: The relationship between content creators and external feedback

As a content creator, my initial relationship with my audience and social media platforms was a typical vertical one. In this setup, I was at the top as the creator, while the audience was at the bottom, receiving my content. Alternatively, the audience, through likes and comments, controlled my content’s reach, making me the passive recipient.

Regardless of the situation, it represented a controlling or oppressive relationship. However, when I redefined this as a horizontal relationship, everything fundamentally changed. In this new horizontal relationship, the audience and social media metrics (like views, likes, and comments) were no longer commands I had to follow or orders from above; they became my partners. These metrics no longer controlled my emotions or creative direction; instead, they served as tools to help me understand the audience’s reaction, allowing me to test and validate my hypotheses in the creative process. This made my creative process more relaxed, filled with experimentation and exploration, turning it into pure play rather than a performance to be judged.

This shift aligns with Adlerian psychology’s core principle: when we transition from vertical control to horizontal cooperation, personal creativity and energy are unleashed. I am no longer controlled by external traffic and feedback but view these as tools to help me evolve and improve.

This new relationship allows me to calmly handle all types of feedback and see a clearer path forward. The audience is no longer passive receivers of my content, and platform data no longer dictates my emotions. Instead, they become partners in my growth and evolution.

Example 2: The relationship between companies and users

Xiaomi, currently valued at around $7.729 billion (as of October 2024), used its unique community power to grow rapidly from a startup to a global tech giant.

In its early days, Xiaomi used a “participation strategy,” which was key to its success. Before launching its first phone, Xiaomi engaged users (“Mi fans”) through community platforms and forums, inviting them to participate in product design and development. Users not only provided feedback but also tested products and shared their opinions. This open cooperation made users feel like co-creators of the product, not just consumers.

Through this strategy, Xiaomi quickly gathered a loyal group of “Mi fans” in its early stages, expanding its brand influence through word of mouth. This “user participation” model reflects Adlerian psychology’s horizontal relationship—Xiaomi treats users as equal partners rather than subjects to be controlled.

This cooperative relationship ignited users’ enthusiasm, unleashing enormous community energy that helped Xiaomi stand out in a competitive market. This aligns with Adler’s idea: when vertical relationships turn into horizontal cooperation, energy and creativity soar.

Example 3: The relationship between companies and employees

The Amoeba Management model and Spotify’s agile organization model are classic examples of transforming the vertical relationship between bosses and employees into horizontal cooperation. Both achieve highly efficient operations and boost innovation by giving teams more autonomy.

In Amoeba Management, Kazuo Inamori divided the company into small, autonomous teams (Amoebas), letting employees manage their own goals and profits like mini-entrepreneurs. Each team is not only responsible for its own business but also closely aligned with the company’s overall strategy. Managers work with employees as equals, providing support instead of direct control, greatly boosting employees’ enthusiasm and sense of responsibility.

Similarly, Spotify’s agile model organizes the company into small, independent teams (Squads). These teams have complete autonomy to decide how to achieve their goals, replacing traditional vertical management with horizontal cooperation. Managers shift from controllers to supporters, ensuring teams respond quickly to market demands and drive innovation.

These examples show that when vertical relationships in organizations shift to horizontal cooperation, employees’ potential is fully unleashed, and companies gain a powerful drive for innovation and growth. This closely aligns with Adlerian psychology’s emphasis that when individuals are no longer controlled by authority and work in equal cooperation, energy and creativity flourish.

Example 4: The relationship between parents and children

In the parent-child relationship, Adlerian psychology emphasizes that traditional vertical relationships (parents as authority, children as followers) often suppress children’s autonomy and creativity, while horizontal relationships (parents and children as equal partners) stimulate children’s potential and help them grow healthily. Similar to Amoeba Management and Spotify’s agile model, when parents shift from “control” to “cooperation,” children become more responsible, autonomous, and creative.

A suitable example is self-directed education models like Montessori. In this approach, parents and teachers are not the authorities but act as guides, learning and exploring alongside children. In such an educational environment, children choose their learning content and pace, while parents and teachers provide support and guidance. Through this approach, children can freely develop their interests and abilities, gradually building problem-solving and self-management skills.

This model is similar to the Amoeba and agile teams in companies: parents transition from being mere “commanders” to partners, fostering children’s initiative and sense of responsibility. In this cooperative relationship, children gain confidence and a sense of achievement, developing in a healthier way.

Example 5: The relationship between spouses

In marriage, a similar shift from vertical to horizontal relationships can greatly improve interaction and the quality of the relationship.

In traditional marriages, there may be a vertical power structure where one spouse is the “leader” or “controller” and the other plays the “follower” or “submissive” role. This dynamic often leads to one partner becoming overly reliant on authority while the other feels suppressed and unable to express themselves. Regardless of who holds the dominant role, the end result is often a lack of genuine communication, leading to conflict, disappointment, and distance.

When the relationship in a marriage shifts from vertical to horizontal cooperation, the spouses are no longer in a control-submission dynamic but are equal partners. In this model, both parties respect each other’s ideas, feelings, and needs, and become co-builders of their shared life. This manifests as joint decision-making rather than one-sided control. Each person’s opinions and thoughts are taken seriously and discussed. Marriage is no longer a one-way exchange but based on mutual growth and support. Both partners help each other in emotional, career, and family matters. Communication in a horizontal relationship is open and constructive; both can freely express themselves without fear of criticism or control.

This shift in relationship dynamics unleashes tremendous potential in a marriage: when couples are equal, they feel more understood and accepted, strengthening their intimacy. In such relationships, both partners become more confident and willing to pursue personal growth and development without feeling suppressed by power imbalances.

This shift is precisely what Adlerian psychology emphasizes—transforming vertical control into horizontal cooperation, unlocking energy and creativity. In marriage, this means two people can grow together as partners, avoiding power struggles and achieving a happier marital life.

Chapter 3: The Realization of Self-Worth

As humans, we need to figure out the meaning of our hard work and life—that is, the realization of self-worth. This sense of meaning guides our daily actions and is incredibly powerful. Everyone has their own unique meaning in life. So, is there a common meaning of life for all of us?

1) Making a Contribution to the “Community”

Adlerian psychology suggests that the purpose of our life is to contribute to the “community.” This “community” is a broad concept, limitless in its scope. You can understand it as the “Tao” described in the Tao Te Ching. It even goes beyond humanity and Earth’s boundaries; it encompasses the entire universe, the sum of all existence.

As employees of a company, we do not work for a particular boss, a specific department, personal promotion, or even the development of our company alone. We work for the evolution of humanity as a whole, aiming to make the best decisions and become the best version of ourselves every day. If your direct supervisor or company doesn’t recognize your value, you can simply switch bosses, departments, or even companies—it's that simple.

Fourteen years ago, right after I graduated from graduate school and entered the workforce as a rookie, I often worked extra hours on weekends to create additional business proposals. I even suggested to a newly appointed executive a business plan to shift from print and traditional TV marketing to digital media marketing. This executive dismissed my proposal as a complete waste of time and resources, even though I worked on it during my off-hours. The truth was, she was playing office politics, trying to strengthen her unstable position by suppressing me and even reading a five-page critique of me in front of all senior leaders, just to make me obedient in the coming months. So, after careful consideration, I quit that company and moved on to another Fortune 500 company, joining a top-tier media team to work on the cutting-edge digital media of that time and creating a new era with amazing people. This, to me, is the true meaning of contributing to the community—you do not belong to any boss, department, or company. You work for the evolution of humanity, choosing to be the best version of yourself and staying true to what you believe is right.

Some may say that such frequent job changes show a lack of loyalty and stability, making other companies hesitant to hire you in the future. I say, my career is my personal project, not a project of any company or boss. My relationship with any company is always horizontal, an equal partnership, not vertical, where I’m controlled from above. Since it's an equal partnership, both sides take what they need and help each other grow. As long as I keep increasing my value, I will always find partners who match my value.

2) Measuring Value with “Points” Instead of “Lines”

We are used to seeing things as continuous lines with a start and an end, believing that only when we reach the end does something have meaning. For example, when we start a business, we measure its worth by whether the company successfully goes public or gets sold at a good price. We see the path from founding to IPO as a line, and if this line breaks halfway—if the company neither goes public nor gets sold—most people would say that the business was not worth it, that it was unsuccessful. The truth is, most people lack the courage to start a business because there’s a 99% chance that the line will break; 99% of new companies shut down within five years, and the chance of going public is even smaller.

Another straightforward example: most of us have a goal that we work hard for. If one day, we happen to die suddenly, meaning our life’s “line” is broken, does that mean everything we lived for was meaningless? If you’ve ever attended a funeral, you know that we often read out the achievements of the deceased. If this person did not have any notable accomplishments, does that mean their life was meaningless? Let’s take an even harsher example that most people avoid thinking about: if a child is diagnosed with a rare genetic mutation that causes constant pain, and we don’t know how long the child will live, it’s likely that this child will not achieve the so-called success in a worldly sense, and even surviving healthily would be a challenge. As a parent, how would you view your child’s life? Would you think their life is meaningless?

In short, when we view life as a continuous line, always expecting a future result, we are bound to live in constant pain and disappointment. One day, a sense of deep meaninglessness might overwhelm us.

However, Adlerian psychology suggests that when we break this line into infinitely small parts, they become countless points. Only by viewing life as a collection of points rather than lines can we find meaning. If we see every second of living healthily, growing with our children, every second of our entrepreneurial journey, and every second we work hard for our dreams as shining pearls, then as long as we are alive, we are constantly collecting valuable pearls. This reminds me of Steve Jobs’ famous quote in the 2005 Stanford commencement speech:

"You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path; and that will make all the difference."

From the perspective of Adlerian psychology, Steve Jobs’ quote can be understood deeply through the concept of viewing life as points rather than lines. Adler believed that our lives are not linear paths that develop according to a plan. The events in life (the "dots") exist independently and are not part of a linear path. These “dots” are the events, decisions, and encounters we experience in life. How we perceive these dots determines the meaning and value we give to our lives.

Steve Jobs emphasized that “you can only connect them looking backward,” highlighting the non-linear nature of life. Many experiences may seem meaningless or unrelated to our current goals, but they are still essential parts of life. Steve Jobs further said that we must trust that these “dots” will connect in the future, which aligns with Adler’s view that individuals need to trust and give meaning to these independent events, rather than trying to judge them by a fixed, linear path.

Adler's "task separation" emphasizes that many things are beyond our control, like the future. Therefore, we should focus on the “dots” we can control rather than trying to pre-plan how they will connect into a “line” in the future. Steve Jobs’ quote, “You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever,” calls for accepting uncertainty while trusting that these “dots” exist for a reason.

We need to bravely face life’s uncertainties and follow our inner calling. Even when faced with unknown or seemingly chaotic “dots,” we must not lose faith. Steve Jobs mentioned that this belief gave him the courage to “follow his heart, even when it led him off the well-worn path.” This aligns with Adler’s concept of “individual courage”—people must trust the “dots” in their lives and assign meaning to each one they experience rather than being limited by a predetermined path.

We often only understand how our experiences shape us and guide us to a broader future after we’ve gone through them. Each “dot” is an essential part of our growth and development. Even those that seem unrelated or negative become part of our story when we assign meaning to them.

Steve Jobs’ quote not only encourages us to trust our instincts and the journey of life but also reminds us to embrace uncertainty and value every experience. Through the lens of Adlerian psychology, we can see how viewing life as dots helps us understand the non-linear nature of life and gives us the strength to find meaning and direction amidst uncertainty.

3) You Don’t Need to Do Anything, Just Start Unconditionally Trusting Others

One of the most stimulating and inspiring views in Adlerian psychology is that you don’t need to do anything; you just need to start unconditionally trusting others.

For example, in the case of a wife trying to persuade her overweight husband to lose weight, should she intervene or persuade him? According to Adlerian psychology, whether or not to lose weight is the husband’s task, and it has nothing to do with the wife. The wife’s task is to unconditionally trust that her husband can take responsibility for his own health. Since she chose him as her life partner, she should have decided from that moment to fully trust in his ability to take responsibility for himself. This is the best, most courageous, and selfless thing she can do for him, rather than nagging on the side.

But what if the husband ultimately cannot take responsibility for his health, remains overweight, or even becomes a burden to her life? Even in this case, it is his choice and has nothing to do with the wife. The wife’s task is to decide whether to divorce or continue taking care of him. If she chooses to stay and take care of him, that is her decision; if she chooses to leave, it is the husband’s task to accept the consequences of his choices. From beginning to end, the husband’s and wife’s tasks are separate and clear.

This idea might sound harsh at first. How can we unconditionally trust others? Isn’t that naive, inviting trouble? But if we reverse the perspective and put ourselves in the position of the one not being trusted, we can understand the power of unconditional trust.

For instance, when I was about to choose my major for college, my parents tried to intervene, hoping I would choose something more stable like English or international relations, to become a teacher—a stable job after graduation. But I was determined to go into business and applied for marketing at the business school, leading to major conflict with my parents. I felt my life was dark; I wished my parents would unconditionally trust me, believe that I could be responsible for my own choices, and trust that I could make the right decision for myself, even if it meant facing setbacks. Eventually, they listened to me, despite their worries, and allowed me to pursue what I wanted.

Reflecting on this, I now understand the power of “unconditionally trusting others.” When you can do this, you offer the greatest gift to others, helping them grow into strong individuals rather than puppets of your will. It also allows you to focus on your own tasks, making you a stronger individual. In my case, choosing my major and career path was my task. When I encountered challenges on my chosen path, it was my responsibility to push through. My parents' task was to strengthen themselves, so when I needed help, they would have the ability to assist me. In reality, I did grow stronger, and my parents provided immense help whenever I needed them.

4) How to Achieve True Happiness—From the Size of “Actions” to the Value of “Existence”

Adlerian psychology emphasizes contributing to the “community” to achieve personal value. But when our parents or we become ill, lying in bed all day and needing care, does that mean our lives have no value?

Let’s ask ourselves: when our parents are bedridden, do we, as children, feel their lives are meaningless? The answer is, of course not! As long as they are alive, they provide us immense comfort. Similarly, if one day we are bedridden, unable to move, does that mean our lives have lost their value? The answer is again, of course not! Just being alive offers our loved ones a source of comfort and hope.

This is what Adlerian psychology calls the infinite value of “existence” itself. When we have the ability, we contribute to the community. And when we are limited in our abilities, even just existing brings immense value to society. The better we live, the more refined and vibrant our existence, the more we contribute to society.

Think about it—every action we take, isn’t it creating value for society? Why are more and more countries encouraging adults to have more children? Because each child brings immeasurable value and wealth to society! Take eating, for example. As long as we exist, we need to eat. Every time we order takeout on Uber Eats, a delivery worker’s livelihood is supported, a restaurant continues to run, employing chefs and waiters, and farmers get fair prices for their crops. And we haven't even mentioned the impact on Uber's thousands of employees. The higher our quality of life—the better we eat, dress, and live—the more we nurture the companies and individuals providing these services.

I’m reminded of the phrase: “When a whale falls, all things grow.” This means that when a giant whale dies and sinks to the ocean floor, it nourishes countless species. But humans are different—we don’t need to wait for the “whale fall” moment to nurture others. We can nourish everything around us while we are alive.

So, whether you are contributing at work, becoming a so-called “success,” or not, your existence itself is priceless. Every breath, every heartbeat not only sustains your life but also supports the hopes of those who love and care about you. Even if one day you end up bedridden, your existence will still be a source of strength and courage for others. Every one of us brings infinite value to this world simply by being alive. Life is never measured by achievements and honors but by how every moment, every subtle influence, quietly changes and nourishes the world. Just being alive is everything.

Conclusion

Finally, I understood that when we stop seeking others’ approval and bravely face the possibility of being disliked, we truly gain our own freedom. We are no longer tied down by others’ opinions or swayed by external evaluations. The so-called “rational voice” and the fears and anxieties it represents become insignificant when we decide to be ourselves and face everything courageously.

When we are willing to be disliked, we start to learn to live for ourselves. We no longer give up on our dreams to meet societal expectations, nor do we live for people who may never truly know us. We can finally ask ourselves: “What truly fulfills me?” We can boldly choose paths that are truly ours without being influenced by societal standards or others’ approval.

You’ll find that when you start accepting the possibility of being disliked, you’ll feel a sense of unprecedented relief. You no longer strive to please everyone, nor do you wear a perfect mask to hide your vulnerabilities. You start to realize that the real you, even if imperfect and unliked by everyone, is worthy of respect and love. You no longer need to sacrifice your feelings to maintain a false peace, nor do you live cautiously for the sake of “recognition.”

In this process, you’ll encounter disappointments, critical voices, and misunderstood looks. But it is through these disappointments and criticisms that you learn to hold your ground in a chaotic world. Every person who doesn’t understand you, every person who dislikes you, helps filter out those who truly appreciate and cherish you. These are the people worth your time and life. You’ll find that when you dare to live authentically and show your true self, even though you might have fewer people around you, those who remain are the ones you truly need.

Ultimately, you’ll realize that being disliked is not a failure but a proof of freedom. This freedom means you no longer depend on external evaluations to define your worth but can calmly accept your uniqueness and imperfections. You start to live for yourself, finding meaning regardless of the outcome.

This is the most precious reward we can achieve in our lifetime.

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