Why Being BrainSAFE is Loving Enough.

The poem, "When I Loved Myself Enough..." is pretty well known. It's beautiful, it's powerful, it's a measure against which people will sometimes gauge their healing from experiences that didn't serve them. The thoughts shown here aren't the original but a version shared with me at some point over the past few years. It didn't have attribution, but I liked it well enough and thought that - when the time was right - I would include it in a talk, a newsletter, something.

But it never landed perfectly. And I finally figured out why.

It was the "I loved myself enough" that didn't land perfectly. I am in full support of the behaviors described - having #boundaries, speaking kindly to oneself, saying "no" to that which isn't #values aligned. I want that for every person I work with (and myself).

Where I worried about sharing it in a talk or newsletter was that someone would think I was saying, "If you only loved yourself more, you'd do all of the things on this list. So get on it and all will be well." I don't think anyone would appreciate that approach and I didn't want to contribute to the already heavy bag of self-doubts and self-blame some of us carry around.

Thus, I never shared the thought. Even though the messages are good. After all, who can argue with these ideas:

Don't let people treat you badly - take care of yourself - you are just as important as all those people you care for.

So when I saw this again, I asked myself, "What do I understand 'When I loved myself enough' to mean?" It felt so general and out there. What was I supposed to do - give myself a hug? A high five? Smile in the mirror? (All good things to do, by the way.)

I then decided to get more specific with my questions. I wondered: "Why don't we do all of the good things? Why don't we always have strong boundaries, why do we allow people to hurt our hearts, why don't we speak kindly to ourselves?" And I realized it can be answered - like most things - with not feeling neurologically SAFE.

Now when I say "SAFE" I am not focused on physical safety (although that is a part of it). What I am focusing on is the idea that most of us - at some time - don't feel #BrainSAFE.

Neuroscience tells us (and I know most are familiar with this - please indulge my quick review) that if our brain senses a threat of any kind, it will choose one of four responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Response chosen, brain resources are allocated to navigating the perceived threat. As a result, the rest of our thinking needs aren't as well resourced, often leaving us with less than optimal decision making abilities.

Compare it to waiting to get food in the middle of lunch rush when an employee has to step out to get more bread.

Bread is necessary for many lunches, so someone stepping out to get more is important. But if you've ever worked on a lunch line, you know that - during lunch rush - everyone is needed on the line. If someone has to step out, there are fewer people on the lunch line and things can slow down, orders can get messed up. People might get grouchy.

Inside the brain, it can look much the same. The brain is a resource hog and uses a lot of what we take in (hydration, glucose, etc.) and so it works to be as efficient as possible. Therefore, if resources have to be diverted to managing a perceived threat, something else isn't happening. The (mental) line can slow down, orders can get messed up, people can get grouchy.

On the outside, for humans this can look like less than supportive choices: overwork (lack of boundaries), giving up the cookies we bought for ourselves (putting others wants before ours), getting a case of the "Why Do I Always....." (speaking unkindly to ourselves), texting while driving (going against our own values).... the experiences can range from incidental to downright dangerous.

To give its full attention to the lunch line that is daily life, the brain requests that we feel SAFE.

So it's that simple. If the brain perceives a threat, it does not feel SAFE. Resources are redirected. And, the threat doesn't have to be huge for the brain to decide it needs to receive attention.

• It can be a colleague making a snarky comment (Security need not met).
• It can be a new policy you disagree with at work (Alignment need - not met).
• It can be that a change in the way the grocery store is set up (Familiarity need - not met).
• It can be a forced password change at an inconvenient time (Empowerment need - not met).

All of these mini-threats require brain resources for (sometimes super quick) analysis and can (even temporarily) keep us from allocating all of our resources to doing cool things like setting strong boundaries, standing up to people who are unkind, including ourselves on our to-do list, speaking kindly to ourselves.

So in my version (shown above), I replaced the love part with being SAFE. Now it says "When I felt SAFE enough," and that, I believe, takes an already great expression of thought to a whole new level.

Want to talk more about BrainSAFE Living and Leading? I'd love to - let's connect.