Why being alone feels so scary and why it shouldn’t — Solitude as a gift.

Why being alone feels scary? 

There’s either a long and complex or a very simple answer to this. I’ll go for the simple one for now and reserve the complex one to next time and another article. We people work through associations and we find solitude scary because we have associated it with unpleasant and unwanted emotions such as loneliness, sadness or depression. I know this because I’ve been there too. I was scared of being alone and with myself because I was terrified of how lonely it would make me feel, so I avoided even trying it. I ended up surrounding myself with others to such an extend that I couldn’t even hear my inner voice anymore. I also ended up staying in relationships which were meant to finish, out of an overwhelming fear of loneliness once if let them go. How scary and wrong, right? And then, the inevitable happened.

I ended up being alone. It was 2007 and I was going through my first massive personal transformation of a kind thanks to one experience that turned into something else. So I ended up alone, but I didn’t feel lonely. I ended up alone, but it wasn’t depressing. I, in fact desperately needed this. I was avoiding myself for so long that something actually had to happen to remind me of an importance of being alone. To hear my own thoughts without external intervention. To face the demons that over-time built inside me, but nobody fought them before and to connect with my intuition and my inner voice that had been silenced for what felt like ages. 

Solitude wasn’t exasperating, it was required, deeply desired and healing. 

The irony is, I used to know all this before. As an only child I actually was very much used to my own company, being alone, independent and enjoying it all. But, I had forgotten this along the way. Along the long way of growing up among other kids and trying to fit in. I tried so much that I actually had to bury my real self in, all this to succeed. I now find it entertaining to look back at the image of myself created before going through my solitude phase. I can’t seem to recognize that person, the way I spoke, the things I spoke and how I wanted to look like. But back to the topic, solitude was my savior.

“There are times when alone is the best place to be.” ~ Unknown

There are numerous advantages and benefits of spending time alone. You may have heard of some and might have not heard of others, so here’s a short summary of them.

Spending time in a solitude helps to relax and recharge ourselves as constant interaction with others without a break leaves us feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained. From a productivity perspective, it’s a great time to progress toward our personal goals as 1. we realize what we want and 2. become more efficient as a consequence. We learn about the power of concentration and how much easier it is to complete tasks when focused on one thing such as focusing on ourselves. It also teaches us independence and self-reliance as we avoid external interruptions and learn to make decisions ourselves without seeking approval and consulting others. But the most important thing for me is that being alone allows us to connect with ourselves on a deep level and understand what is truly important for us and what we do want out of our lives. It also enables us to reflect and think differently. Do you know why is that?

When we’re alone, nothing prevents us from hearing our inner voice, heart, and mind. And finding answers to the fundamental questions about ourselves.

We acknowledge our true feelings and deep desire much better when nothing external such as other people’s thoughts, perceptions, opinions or expectations, is getting in our way. We get to know how we truly feel about something, what makes us happy, what do we want and whether we really want it and whether we’re moving in the direction we want in our lives.

Let’s reflect upon this all, shall we?

After hearing all this, does solitude sound a bit better to you? Can you see a different association? Does it feel like a process you’d actually like to experience? In this place, I am inviting you to do so.

There's nothing more important in life than learning how to be with ourselves.

It’s not just nice to have but essential to consciously make time to be alone. For any of us and all of us, whether you’re introverted (although in this case you’re most probably already well-aware of all I shared) or extroverted, single or married, student, busy parent (in that case you need this time even more) or a person in retirement. And once you’re alone, you have the space of all kinds to make the most of the enriching experience of solitude. One of the greatest things solitude offers is a space for quiet reflection. 

If you’re interested in doing your own solitude reflection, then continue reading. I put together a list of questions targeting different topics, areas of our life which are brilliant to focus on when we are alone as we’re in a perfect position to get unbiased and honest answers to what we’re asking. 

The only thing left to do is to open ourselves to the answers we receive.

Here are some example questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. How am I feeling precisely at this moment?
2. Where do I feel this in my body? It is a pleasant bodily feeling?
3. What is causing me to feel this? Was it a person, a situation I can recall?
4. What if I just observe this emotion, if it were a pattern I could draw, how would it look like? What color would it have? How would it move?
5. Is the feeling still there? Have I learned anything new about this feeling and experience?
6. Am I happy where I am and do I feel satisfied with myself and my life at this point? 
7. Does anything give me a feeling of heaviness? What is it? And why?
8. What can I do about it? Do I have a control or an influence over the issue?
9. What do I want? What do I really want? What do I not want?
10. What have I been avoiding but needs my attention?
11. What do I need the most right now?
12. Am I being honest with myself?

Enjoy your experience. Share your feedback, thoughts and experience with me if you feel like. In case you’d like to get help with this process, reach out. I am excited for you about what this process will give you.