Why Asking “Why” is Holding You Back

One of the golden rules when training to be a coach is to avoid asking the "Why?" question. This is VERY VERY different to Simon Sinek 's philosophy on "Finding your Why". It is important to remember the two are very different. This weekend during the Grit ICF accredited training session run by Mehreen Ovais Khadija Usman and SHABEEN MAZHER, ICF PCC we once again explored what happens when we ask the "Why" question. The inspiration for this weeks article comes from the fact that this rule can be taken out of the coaching context and implemented in all areas of life. I hope you find this not just informativr but also relatable.

We’ve all been there. Something doesn’t go our way, life throws us a curveball, and the first thing that pops into our heads is, “Why?” It’s like a knee-jerk reaction—totally natural, right? But here’s the thing: while asking “Why” might feel like the logical thing to do, it’s often what keeps us stuck in a loop of overthinking and frustration.?

Where This “Why” Habit Comes From

Remember when you were a kid, and you couldn’t stop asking “Why”? “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do dogs bark?” “Why do I have to eat my vegetables?” Those questions were all about figuring out the world around us. And back then, they served us well.Asking “Why” was a powerful tool for learning. It opened up conversations, helped us make sense of the world, and gave us the answers we needed to grow.

But fast forward to adulthood, and the “Why” questions start to shift. Now, instead of asking “Why” out of curiosity, we’re asking “Why” out of confusion, frustration, or even a little bit of desperation. “Why did this happen to me?” “Why can’t I get ahead?” “Why am I stuck?” Sure, it seems like you’re just trying to understand the situation, but more often than not, these “Why” questions aren’t leading you to any answers. Instead, they’re just keeping you in a loop of doubt and stress.?

The Psychological Need to Ask “Why”

Let’s dig a little deeper into why we’re so wired to ask “Why.” It’s not just a habit; it’s actually rooted in our psychology. The human brain is a meaning-making machine. We crave explanations for the things that happen in our lives because it gives us a sense of control and predictability. When something unexpected or painful happens, asking “Why” feels like a way to make sense of the chaos.

But here’s the kicker: sometimes there just isn’t a satisfying answer. Life doesn’t always operate by clear rules and reasons. And when you’re stuck in that cycle of trying to find meaning where there isn’t any, it can lead to frustration, anxiety, and even depression.

?Think about it—how often have you asked “Why” and actually found an answer that brought you peace? More often than not, the question just opens the door to more questions, and before you know it, you’re spiralling.

When We Tend to Ask “Why”

So, when do we typically fall into this “Why” trap? Here are a few common scenarios:

• During a Crisis

When life hits you with something tough—a job loss, a breakup, or maybe a health scare—our first instinct is to ask, “Why me?” It’s a totally human response, but it often spirals into feeling like the universe is out to get us, leaving us stuck in self-pity.

Imagine you’ve just lost your job. The first thing that might come to mind is, “Why did this happen to me?” While it’s natural to seek answers, getting hung up on the “Why” can keep you in a loop of feeling like a victim rather than looking for your next opportunity.

• At Work

Ever had a project fall apart or gotten feedback you didn’t expect? The first question we often ask is, “Why did this happen?” While understanding the cause is important, getting stuck on “Why” can prevent you from actually fixing the problem and moving forward.

For instance, say you’ve been working on a project for weeks, only to have it rejected by your boss. You might ask, “Why didn’t they like it?” But if you get stuck there, you’re not doing anything to improve. Instead, shifting to, “What can I do to make it better?” moves you toward a solution.?

• In Personal Growth

When you’re feeling stuck in your personal development, it’s easy to ask, “Why can’t I get this right?” or “Why am I not where I want to be?” These questions don’t do much besides reinforcing a negative mindset and keeping you from taking action.

Take, for example, trying to build a new habit. You’ve been trying to exercise regularly, but it’s just not sticking. Asking “Why can’t I do this?” might seem like you’re searching for answers, but it often just reinforces the belief that you’re failing.

The Problem with Asking “Why”

Okay, so what’s the big deal with asking “Why”? Here’s where it gets tricky:

• It Puts You in a Victim Mindset

When you’re constantly asking “Why,” it’s easy to slip into a victim mentality. You start feeling like things are just happening to you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. This mindset is incredibly disempowering because it takes the control out of your hands.

Consider this: Every time you ask “Why me?” you’re reinforcing the idea that you’re powerless. It’s like handing over the reins of your life to some external force. And when you feel powerless, it’s hard to take any meaningful action.

• It Leads to Overthinking

Ever heard of analysis paralysis? That’s when you’re so busy trying to figure out “Why” something happened that you end up doing nothing about it. You get stuck in a loop of overthinking and, as a result, miss out on opportunities to take action and make things better.

Let’s say you’ve been overthinking a mistake you made at work. You keep asking, “Why did I mess up?” Instead of moving forward and correcting it, you’re stuck in a loop, replaying the mistake over and over in your mind.

• It Can Trigger Negative Emotions

Let’s be real: asking “Why” can sometimes drag you down an emotional rabbit hole. When you don’t get the answers you’re looking for, it’s easy to get frustrated, angry, or even sad. And those feelings can make it even harder to break out of the “Why” cycle.

Picture this: You’re going through a rough patch in your relationship, and you keep asking, “Why is this happening?” Without a clear answer, you might start feeling hopeless or resentful, which only adds more strain to the relationship.

So, What Should You Be Asking Instead?

If asking “Why” isn’t getting you anywhere, what’s the alternative? The key is to shift your focus to questions that actually move you forward.

• Ask “What” and “How” Instead

Instead of asking, “Why did this happen?” try asking, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I make this better?” These types of questions are all about solutions and next steps. They get you out of the problem-focused mindset and into a solution-focused one.

For example, if you’re dealing with a personal setback, instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?” you might ask,

“What can I do to bounce back?” or

“How can I use this experience to grow?”

These questions are forward-looking and empower you to take action.

• ?Change Your Perspective

When you stop asking “Why” and start asking “What” or “How,” you’re shifting your perspective from dwelling on the past to planning for the future. This change in focus helps you take control of the situation and start moving in the right direction.

Think of it like this: If you’re driving and you hit a bump in the road, asking “Why was there a bump?” doesn’t change the fact that you hit it. But asking “What can I do to avoid bumps in the future?” helps you navigate better the next time.

Adopting a Solution-Oriented Mindset

Breaking the habit of asking “Why” is all about adopting a solution-oriented mindset. Here’s how to make that shift:

• Focus on Action

Action is what gets you out of the rut. When you start focusing on what you can do next, rather than why something happened, you take back control. This proactive approach doesn’t just lead to better outcomes—it also boosts your confidence and builds resilience.

For instance, if you’re dealing with a setback, instead of getting stuck on “Why did this happen?” you could ask, “What’s one thing I can do right now to start moving forward?” It doesn’t have to be a big step—sometimes even a small action can create momentum.

• Build Resilience

Resilience is all about bouncing back from setbacks. By shifting your focus from “Why” to “What” and “How,” you’re training your brain to look for solutions instead of problems. This not only helps you deal with challenges more effectively but also strengthens your ability to handle future difficulties.

Think of resilience like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Every time you choose to focus on solutions rather than problems, you’re building that muscle. Those of you that follow my posts would have seen my posts on resiience.

• Practice Self-Compassion

It’s easy to be hard on yourself when things don’t go as planned. But beating yourself up with “Why” questions isn’t productive. Instead, try practicing self-compassion. Understand that setbacks are a natural part of life, and it’s okay to not have all the answers. What matters is how you move forward.

For example, if you’ve made a mistake, instead of asking, “Why did I do that?” practice self-compassion by asking, “What can I learn from this?” and “How can I do better next time?”

Asking “Why” might feel like a natural response to life’s challenges, but it often keeps us stuck in a loop of overthinking and negativity. By shifting our focus to “What” and “How,” we move from a problem-oriented mindset to a solution-oriented one. This change in perspective empowers us to take control of our lives, build resilience, and keep moving forward.

?And finally

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side, of course.

But if you keep asking “Why,” you’ll be standing there all day waiting for the chicken to explain itself.

Sometimes, the answer is as simple as just moving forward.

Till next week be aware of when you are asking Why instead of What? or How?

Prajesh

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