Why aren't women leaders likeable?

There is a real challenge for women in senior leadership positions. Success and likeability do not go together for women.

Research shows that high-achieving women experience a social backlash because the way senior leaders are expected to behave goes against unconscious expectations about how women are supposed to behave.

Why is this?

Women - and men - are conditioned to expect certain behaviours and attitudes from each other which are still very much based on their gender. This is still true, even in 2024. Girls are supposed to be caring, to take care of others, to set aside their own needs in favour of other people's, to provide an oiling of the social wheels that enable groups to get on well together. Boys are expected to be brave, strong, not to cry, to be assertive, to take charge, to be decisive and 'commanding'.

In adult life, these under-the-surface expectations influence how we response to the people around us. There are a set of assumptions about what good leadership looks like, which tend to be based on the way boys are conditioned to behave. When women demonstrate these traits, because they are not in line with what we unconsciously expect, we tend not to like those women. We are all susceptible to this conditioning which is why women tend not to like assertive, authoritative women just as much as men do. One area where becoming aware of our unconscious biases can make a real difference.

So if you're a woman in a leadership position, what are you supposed to do?

It's a complicated challenge.

The first thing is to recognise this is not personal. Most people are completely unaware of what might be causing them discomfort when they encounter a woman leader displaying assertive, authoritative, decisive behaviours. As a woman leader, you need to learn to manage your instinctive reactions when it feels like people are withdrawing from you or disliking your authority. If you allow your defensive reactions to dictate how you behave, you will unintentionally stoke even more resistance. So it's in your interests to notice when you are provoked and learn how to manage how you respond.

The second thing is to learn how to operate in a way which minimises the negative responses from those around you. That means stepping away from the full-on "I'm in charge here" and finding a different way to enact your leadership authority.

It means knowing what your purpose as a leader is. What do you want to achieve? What sort of leader do you want to be? What really matters to you? Which battles are worth it, and which are just counter-productive? When do you need to make a stand and when can you let it go?

If you have a really clear idea of what you stand for and what really matters, you can operate calmly and confidently, based on a sense of purpose that is bigger than just you, and which people instinctively respond to more positively. It won't necessarily eradicate the unconscious biases but it gives you a much better chance of achieving your aims and being taken seriously as a senior leader.

It's not easy, being a senior woman leader. Having someone who can support you as you work out how to operate in a way which minimises negative reactions, can make a real difference in how you step into your leadership power. If you’d like to talk about how I can help you, drop me a message and let’s have a chat.

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