Why apologies don't work, forgiveness does

Imagine you had a conflict with someone and that led to some bitter arguments between the two of you. That person in anger said something that has hurt you. Now, you are expecting an apology. But that person, still angry with you, is in no mood to apologise. Both of you are holding each other responsible for what happened and positioning yourselves as victims.

Conventionally, apology and forgiveness are seen as matched pairs. When someone apologises, you accept the apology and that implies that you have forgiven the person. However, this model of linking forgiveness to apology has several limitations:

•  Often, people apologise not because they feel regretful of what they have done, but just to pacify the upset person and preserve the relationship.
• It is taken for granted that if someone apologises, the other person will accept the apology. It is in exceptional instances that aggrieved people do not accept the apology. After all, it gives them a face-saver and a justifiable reason to mend the relationship.
• It creates a level divide between the two people, the person who accepts the apology appears to be at a higher pedestal compared to the person who apologises.
• Sometimes it is not obvious who should apologise, and therefore if no one apologises, it creates a stalemate and the relationship is strained at least for some time. 

Let us understand that forgiveness is an emotion. It is one of your most precious emotions like love and trust. Now, by linking it to an apology coming from someone, you are giving the key to your emotion to someone else. In a way, you are giving up the ownership of your emotion. Now you emotion is controlled by someone who has just hurt you sometime back and who may have no interest in your forgiveness. Secondly, by equating forgiveness with accepting apology, you are making it look like a transactional act rather than an emotion. You are trivializing your emotions. Let us see how we can look at forgiveness differently.

Forgiving without apology: You can give power back to yourself by separating forgiveness from apology. Remember that when you are angry, it impacts you the most, and if you can forgive someone, you will be the biggest beneficiary. Learning to forgive without an apology can be liberating for you. The key to your emotion remains with you, you can exercise forgiveness at your will, without depending on anyone else.

Also, it is not important that you communicate about your forgiveness to the person who hurt you. Your forgiveness is meant for you. That person may not even be interested in your forgiveness. But if you continue to interact with the person, it is not difficult for people to sense that now you are not carrying the baggage of anger. That should be enough. That person may eventually apologise and you may then inform the person that this apology is no more required, but you are already at peace having forgiven the person in advance.

Forgiving yourself: What if you are on the other side? You are the one who has hurt someone and are contemplating apologising. Is this apology just for preserving the relationship or you are truly feeling regretful about what you have done? When you apologise just for the relationship, you end up trivializing it and eventually the conflict shows up again. Apology without a true regret is a fa?ade. If you are feeling regretful, consider forgiving yourself rather than apologising. Such forgiveness is meant for you – to cleanse you up of your guilt. This will also provide an opportunity to the other person to exercise forgiveness rather than just accepting your apology. But what if that person continues to wait for your apology? In that case, there is something to be sorted there, by that person. If you still want, you can inform the person that you were feeling regretful and now you have forgiven yourself and moved on.  

By moving up from the operational level of someone apologising and someone else accepting the apology, both of you would eventually handle it individually at a higher plane of forgiveness. Remember, offering apology or accepting apology is directed at the other person, forgiveness is meant for the self. Apology works at an external level and is intended to preserve the relationship, forgiveness works at an internal level and makes you sort out things within you.

Invoke your forgiveness rather than offering or accepting apologies.