Why Am I So Nice?

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Why do you feel the need to be so nice all the time, no matter how you’re treated?

You grew up hearing things like, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” and “Turn the other cheek.”

People who are always nice tend to hold in negative emotions, often resulting in depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Those who are always nice may periodically act out or even collapse from exhaustion.

Avoiding the perils of niceness requires feeling one's genuine needs and wants, as well as actively setting boundaries.

?You’ve met them, I’ve met them, or you may be one of them.

Nice people. They always give others the benefit of the doubt, are ready to give a hand, or volunteer for that task that no one wants.

They’re sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue.

What’s not to like?

Not much, you say. But if you’re always the nice gal, if it’s your 24/7 public persona, there are often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll.

What harm can it do??

You tend to blame yourself when things go wrong or when others hurt you.

You allow others to?abuse?you without?consequences.?

Internalized anger and resentment build up and eventually come out.

People around you don’t trust you to be honest with them, and vice-versa.

Your belief that “niceness” makes you a better person blinds you to the obvious.

As the perpetual “nice person,” you’re waiting for someone else to tell you you deserve better. But until then, the bottled-up rage takes its toll in every area of your life.?

All this begs the question: Is there a disorder in being too nice??

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Thank you?....After all, there are known links between knee-jerk people-pleasing and social anxiety disorder, for reasons that should be obvious.

Plenty of fear, anger, and resentment can hide behind a veneer of altruism and agreeableness.?

Do I Stop Being Nice??

Recognize that your behavior is too nice, and be honest about what it costs you.

Identify the people who’ve taken advantage of your niceness.

Identify the abusive behavior you’ll no longer tolerate.

Decide how you’ll respond to other people’s sh*t.?

Decide how you’ll recover from every slip and celebrate every win.?

You’re not taking away from others by standing up for yourself. What it will cost them is nothing compared to what being too nice has cost you.?

Be prepared to set an example worth following.?

Are People Mean to Nice People??

There’s only one thing a bully sees in people who are too nice: easy prey. They don’t respect your refusal to stand up to them, but they will take full advantage of it.?

Your niceness makes you vulnerable and all but guarantees they’ll get away with mistreating you because you’ll probably blame yourself instead of the one who’s really at fault.?

Ask yourself if any of the following sounds familiar:?

At workplace meetings, you agree with other people’s suggestions and keep your own ideas to yourself.?

You have enough to do, but there’s always that someone who expects you to take on some of?their?workload, for one reason or another.

You see a co-worker bullying others but say nothing for fear they’ll treat you worse than they already do.

You,?my friend, are being too nice. And it’s time to stop.

You’re that good, that laid-back all the time, really?

Unless you’re on some major and highly effective medications, probably not. What always-nice people tend to do is internalize — hold in negative emotions that naturally rise up in the course of everyday life.

Do you want to add a word or two?....

The by-product of these emotional crunches are often?depression , anxiety, and?addiction .

And if depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep those non-polite feelings at bay, you are likely at risk of acting out, through the one-night stand on a business trip, going on a binge, going into a hurricane-like rage at your kid, your dog, or your gentle, but always-absent-minded co-worker.

It seems to come out of nowhere, you feel terribly guilty, you?apologize profusely, you promise never to do that ever again . . . until you do. Until the pressure builds up, and the right triggers set you off.

What goes a long way to being nice is that you're more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be.

You have this critical, scolding drill-sergeant/parent voice coming at you all the time, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger.

Your comments ….

Under such steady verbal abuse, you vow to try harder, not screw up and be even nicer, but whatever you do is never good enough; fault, mistakes, and incriminations are around every corner.

It’s a miserable way to A build-up of resentment can often fuel the acting out, but sometimes it’s just a slow and ever-present simmer that you internalize along with everything else.

The resentment comes, because your niceness also comes with expectations — that others will appreciate your efforts or will follow your lead and be like you, always putting others first, stepping up, etc. — or expecting them to realize what you need and give it to you, even though you never say what those needs are.

If you expect honesty from others, don’t hold yourself to a lower standard.

Why should they be honest with you when they no doubt sense you’re holding something back??

Learn to say “No.”

Practice saying no to those who ask you to put aside your personal needs to make their lives easier. If someone is asking you to endanger your own priorities for their benefit, at least give yourself time to consider the cost of doing so.?

Anyone who insists on an immediate answer deserves a “No.” You don’t have to justify your reasons to anyone but yourself.

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