Why am I jealous?

The feeling you get, when you are looking at others with envious resentment because of their achievements, possessions or assumed advantages. The kind of unpleasant sensation that develops in your stomach (or in the ‘inner compass area’ - between your throat and the belly button) when you are feeling suspicious of others actions towards you or their whereabouts…

Your days may get consumed with this negative thinking that is ruining your life, your relationships and your future. What are the reasons that you must feel like this?

INSECURITY. THIS IS THE ANSWER.

You may wonder why you are so insecure. Almost always, one can identify the origins of their infamous insecurities, although, sometimes it can be such a deeply repressed memory, that it remains a mystery.

You were not born this way. You haven’t inherited it in your genes. However, you may have learnt that from your  close environment. If you had a parent/caregiver that was particularly worrying about something, you most likely observed and modeled their behaviour without even realising it. It could be related to anything. The most common insecurities that we learn from our immediate environment, are those about ourselves.

We tend to easily adopt the beliefs from others that we are unattractive, or even ugly, unworthy of love, unintelligent, useless, second best, unable to reach out for what we really want etc etc.

Depending on the strength of the bond we share with our significant other, our adopted insecurities may take us to another dimension. Sadly, most of our beliefs are created when we are little, and therefore the most receptive to external influences. And if you used to watch your mother or father lacking in confidence about themself or feeling insecure in their relationships, you are prone to believe that relationships are not to be trusted and the only way to feel confident will be granted through the world outside.  

And here, you are standing before the dilemma of relying on others when it comes to your personal happiness, confidence and life satisfaction. If this resonates with you, remember that each time you are looking for external factors to fulfill you (on any level), each time you are giving your own powers away.

You are naturally unable to control external factors, by doing so, you are gifting your own happiness for others to control.

HOW CAN I CONFRONT MY INSECURITY THEN?

Firstly, you need to acknowledge it. And completely accept that this is your current challenge. You will require help from someone that understands the subject, someone who successfully confronted their own insecurities and is willing to help. It can be a family member, a friend, or a professional. Bare in mind that this can be a lengthy process, so be mindful of how this can affect your personal relation if your helper is emotionally involved.

Through joining a journey of understanding your own self, finding the roots of your insecurities, identifying the triggers and accepting them, you will enter the space of possibilities. The space, where change and creating new, healthy habits are prospective. With a trusted person you will allow yourself to be unguarded and confront your learnt behaviours, all those beliefs that prevent you from feeling truly and unapologetically happy. Content from the inside out.

As you have probably realised by now that you have been cultivating some behaviours for a very long time, perhaps even decades. It can be a difficult task to sustainably retain new patterns of conduct. Therefore, staying in the process is an essential element of your success. You have learnt all the bad habits (insecurities) from others or with others, and the same goes with de-learning them and applying new, beneficial ones.

Change can happen very quickly. Any ‘interventionist’ will give you hundreds of examples of immediate change whilst working with their clients. The challenge, however, is to maintain the new system when one is faced with triggers and confronted by external stimulus. This is when the majority of ‘quick-fixes’ fail, and relapse prevail.

You could benefit from a positive, already successful in this matter, role-model, that will navigate you through the new response systems. Someone you have a trusting connection with, someone who will challenge your insecurities in an appropriate, ethical and professional way so you can feel safe and secure. Someone, who you can feel vulnerable with.

I know this may perhaps sound scary, difficult or ambiguous, but hey, if changing our habits or unhealthy patterns of behaviours were easy, no one would experience suffering. And because this is not the case, in order to achieve our objectives, we are required to invest our OWN time and commitment into becoming the person we want to be. The best news is, that this is 100% possible, but the journey is neither easy nor short.

Stay grateful & thank you for reading

Agatha