Why am I afraid of failure?

Today, I'm feeling good, but I'm a little excited and anxious at the same time.

Yesterday wasn't a good day.

I woke up a little irritated and frustrated because of my period and colic on my back. In the morning, I had an anxiety crisis after overthinking the fact that I was a failure.

I don't know why I feel this way sometimes, and I'm still trying to understand it.

In the past, I felt more intelligent and thoughtful than most people around me. Still, I don't have the same "results" they had, and I already realized that the reason for that is that they practice more than me.

They are not afraid of failure, and I am.

It's ironic how this thing works.

They are so stupid in many aspects of their lives that they don't overthink before doing some things.

This is not a rule, but I will try to explain it better.

Some people—and when I say SOME, I mean not everybody, but some people—are very immature and irresponsible in many ways.

They don't care about their future.

They don't plan their lives.

They don't think twice before doing something.

And they live their lives to impress other people.

And there's no problem with everything. I disagree with this, but it's their lives, not mine.

But while these aspects of their lives might sound irresponsible, they're the same aspects that make them risk more and try new things.

Because I don't have anything to lose.

They are already fucked up.

They don't have any perspective on life, so why not try it?

They don't care about their future or the consequences of their actions. If they fail, they are already in a bad situation, so what's the difference?

And they go there and do it.

And they end up getting it right at some point.

And finally, they end up becoming successful.

Even though they don't have much knowledge...

Or responsibility...

Or perspective of life...

They have the power to act.

Test, try, do.

And this is more powerful than just having the knowledge and not using it because you are afraid of failure.

And don't get me wrong (I don't know why I talk like I'm speaking with somebody else besides me, but ok), not everybody is this way.

I had a cousin who married a girl one month after knowing her because he became a father after having sex without protection because he thought "protection is for the weak ones," as he said.

The beautiful and perfect family he thought had just crashed after 1 year, and the poor baby had divorced parents who fought all the time in front of him.

This identical cousin makes more than 1 million dollars per month (or it used to when I used to talk to him).

He is a stupid, dumb, and irresponsible person.

But the same mindset that made him just do things without thinking twice and ruin his life also makes him test, act, and do things without thinking about the consequences, and in the modern world, acting fast is gold.

And really, I'm not saying that I should be irresponsible to be successful or something like that; I'm just making a comparison.

For example, I also had a friend who wasn't stupid or irresponsible.

He was brilliant, mature, and intelligent.

He was almost the same age as I was when we used to talk—I don't know for sure—but he was very resilient, determined, and persistent.

He had all the problems and reasons in the world to give up working alone in the market and just follow the same idea of going to college, etc. Still, he struggled a lot because his family was poor.

Life wasn't very friendly with him during his childhood. He saw the worst world could show him, like going hungry, moving several times because your parents didn't have money to pay the rent, constantly fighting over money, bullying, and many other things.

Even though he had all the reasons to choose a more accessible way because life was too hard on him, he decided to risk everything in the world's most volatile and dirty market as a direct response.

As far as I know, he is one of the most prominent people in the digital market today, and nobody knows who he is because he doesn't even care about this. By the way, when I say "biggest," I'm talking about money and market share; he owns the whole market.

So if he was not irresponsible, dumb, stupid, and immature, and these attributes weren't what made him test, try, and risk more, what was then?

The lack of fear of trying and risk again because he already saw the worst the world could show him.

I don't know; it wouldn't have a reason for that anyway.

I'm not trying to combine two people with different lives to find a formula for success.

I want to reflect on what they have that I don't.

What do people who succeed and persuade on something have that others don't?

Day after day, I conclude that the ability to take risks doesn't matter the reason.

It doesn't matter if they don't have enough neurons in their brain to think about the consequences of something and just do it, if they are not afraid of failure, or if they are mentally healthy and find it easy to deal with their frustrations.

It doesn't matter at all because what they all have in common is the ability to keep going, keep trying, keep risking, deal with the consequences, accept failure, and move on.

But if that is true, why do I have that?

Why is it hard to deal with the consequences, accept failure, or take more risks?

What do I have to lose?

More than I had a long time ago, but still something that small.

What mindset, world vision, or behavior do I have that makes it hard for me? Why am I so afraid of testing?

Why am I so afraid of losing money and time?

I'm controlling, and it scares me to lose control of things, but I don't think it's just that.

Steve Jobs was one of the most controlling people in the world. He failed hundreds of times and kept going, not thinking about giving up. It's more complex than that.

Thinking more, I associate failure with shame and not meeting people's expectations.

I remember when I was about 7 or 8 years old. My school made a multiplication table championship, where all the kids were in the square. The director held a microphone, asking each student to come in front of everyone and answer a multiplication table to find out if they had memorized and learned it.

If you did it correctly, you would earn points; if you did it incorrectly, you would lose.

I just remember that in my turn, I was so nervous about answering in front of everybody, all those children screaming and laughing and suddenly in silence to hear your answer, that in my turn, the teacher asked how much was 4x5, and I knew the answer.

I studied it a lot, but I got so nervous at that moment that I could not remember it.

I froze.

When the time was gone, the teacher looked at me like, "Well, the time is gone, girl. You lose, get out," and all the kids started screaming again and laughing. I got so embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and angry simultaneously.

My friends came to me, saying, " Dude, Dude, it was 4x5, easy, 20; how. How could you forget that?"

And that made me feel even worse.

One of the first memories I have that made me see failure as a shame.

If I fail or make mistakes, people will judge and laugh at me, or I will just ruin their expectations because they expect that I will succeed and make it right. So if I don't, they will judge me, laugh at me, and I will get this fame forever.

My parents and family always talked about studying, succeeding, impressing people, gaining knowledge, and passing a good image. I always cared about what people thought about me, so I cared if they laughed at me after a mistake or failure.

Other similar situations happened in the future, mostly at school, where I got a negative result when I failed.

My environment (like my family and school) was always congratulating and rewarding results, like the grades on exams, the approval on a test/college, the status in society, but never the effort of the process of achieving all of these things, so I guess I grow up learning that I have to worry about the results, and not about the process, so when I failed during the childhood and adolescence I was worried about the consequences and results of it, not the learnings.

This had a significant influence on my adult life.

That is probably one of the reasons I struggle to practice and try new things: The memories of trying again and failing are stronger than the memories of trying again and succeeding or enjoying this new experience/process.

It's like putting your finger in the socket and getting a shock.

You won't put it back on.

That's a superficial explanation, but more is needed to learn.

I think these behaviors have had a massive influence since before I was born, and I don't even know that or even have control of them.

The only thing I have control over is that I know this affects me, and I have to change.

So, how do I change that?

Well, failure is inevitable.

So, how do I change how I deal with failure?

Like I said, failing has impacted me most: the shame and worries about people's opinions (weird that I'm sharing this here, LOL).

So, how do I deal better with shame and people's opinions?

Honestly, I don't have people judging or sharing their opinions in my life, so it's something in my head, but it affects me anyway.

I have to build a process to make every time I think I failed and manage my emotions when this happens.

At the same time, I manage my emotions based on people's opinions and don't let them influence my mind or thoughts.

Then, I will have a chance to see failure as an opportunity to improve things and not to regret them.

This was an intimate and private outburst of how I try to organize my thoughts and go deep into my beliefs to understand my mind.

This helps me get new ideas and insights about myself.

I don't know if you feel like a piece of trash or failure sometimes, but I hope this post can help you at some point.

I will work on this process and make it a step-by-step process.

I will come back when it's done.

See ya!