Why addicted to being perfected can lead to alcoholism

Perfectionism can be the cause of success - but more often than not it can be one of its biggest obstacles.

You’d think that even the most famous people would be addicted to perfection. But, as Margaret Atwood once said, “If I waited for perfection, I would never write a single word.” And then there’s P!nk’s anti-perfectionism for her daughter at the VMA’s last year, “We don’t change. We take the gravel and the shell and we make a pearl. And we help other people to change so they can see more kinds of beauty.”

People who are addicted to being perfect will often exhibit certain characteristics such as holding themselves to impossibly high standards, craving the approval of others and constantly beating themselves up over their performance.  

Attempting to achieve perfection comes in many forms - including comparing yourself to others, seeking ‘likes’ and ‘comments on your social media posts and repeating something again and again until you have no more energy left.

So how are perfectionism and alcoholism linked?

There are numerous reasons...

“I’m a bad person”

I’ll start off with the harshest reason - a perfectionist will only think they’re truly a good person or worthy of love if they are ‘perfect’ all the time If anything goes slightly wrong or they fall short of their high self-expectations they turn to alcohol or drugs as a form of self-harm. Perfectionists might tell themselves they deserve to drink to oblivion because they’re not worthy.

It’s a vicious circle. Alcohol dramatically lowers productiveness, so you can’t achieve even more of the things you set out to do. You motivation is lowered, as well as your self-esteem.

“I need it to calm my anxieties”

Alcohol, although initially seems like a relaxant, causes more anxiety in the long-term. When the person wakes up in the mornings after a heavy drinking session they’re more likely to experience anxiety. Alcohol might make us say or do things we regret, causing relationships to break down and even careers to fail. This in itself can cause major anxiety and even long-term depression because, as we all know, alcohol is a depressant.

“It helps me de-stress and complete all my responsibilities”

Not only do we have busy careers, social lives, children and household duties to take care of, we also have the overhanging shadows of previous relatives hanging over us. It’s kind of like “Keeping up with the Joneses” except the Joneses are your ancestors. Sure, your mother never seemed to complain and the home always seemed spotless. The modern woman now compares herself to previous generations but the memories of their relatives have mistakenly blurred into a Stepford Wife scenario. It’s impossible to be perfect, and trying to achieve perfection can cause great stress. That’s why drinking one glass of wine while preparing the family meal can easily turn into three or four per evening.

Louise Redknapp recently divulged that she lives apart from her husband, simply because she was starting to feel like a Stepford Wife. She said:

"I have spent most of my life pleasing everyone else, worrying about being judged and thinking I should always do the right thing by staying at home, looking after my kids and my husband. I lost myself. I wanted to be perfect at it."

Instead, she is choosing to follow her dreams and is prioritising her mental health - something we could all definitely learn from.

“People keep letting me down”

Not only will a perfectionist impose strict expectations on themselves - they will expect the same of friends and family too. When the perfectionist is let down by other people, they may distance themselves from loved ones. This alienation tactic can lead the perfectionist down the path to alcoholism. Loneliness can cause boredom...and this can develop into lone drinking sessions to pass the time and alleviate loneliness.  

There’s one simple piece of advice for dealing with the alleged imperfections...and it comes from Dr Maya Angelou: “When people show you who they are...believe them!” Have more faith in your friends and family, give them a bit more credit and give them a bit more slack.

How can I deal with perfectionism?

Fortunately, there are several ways you can tackle your inner perfectionist. With a little practice, you can go a bit easier on yourself, be happier and achieve some of your goals!

• Split goals into smaller goals to make them more manageable, fun and measurable. If you want to lose weight, for example, cut your goals into separate pieces. Aim to lose 5lb in 2 months, 6lb in the next 2 months and then 4lb in the month after that. That’s a stone in five months - which is amazing! Not only is a healthier way to achieve your goal, it’ll also help you to maintain your goals and make them more accessible.
• Celebrate the small things. If you’re a perfectionist, the chances are you’ll view achievements in black and white (i.e. ‘success’ and ‘failure’) with no in between. Celebrate the bits in between too! Acknowledging the fact you have the courage to do something can go a very long way in achieving your overall goal.
• Spend time on your self-esteem. It isn’t just your achievements that make you a success. You make you a success. Recognise you’re a valuable person and you’re worthy of happiness. One of the best ways to do this is to enjoy learning a new skill, indulging in activities you love and spending time with people who mean a lot to you.

Dr Bunmi Aboaba a Sobriety Companion, Coach and intervention specialist at The Sober Advantage. Bunmi helps people battling a variety of substance and alcohol addictions to regain control of their lives and beat their addiction – for good.  Bunmi uses a variety of holistic techniques and energy medicines to help her clients, all of which she has used herself to help her gain her sobriety and remain sober for 10 years.