Whose perspectives do you cultivate?

Following from my previous write-up on jealousy and insecurity, I received some interesting feedback on these topics and the relevance of its exploration, especially for young individuals.

When we are young, we are especially receptive to external factors, influences and models. Whoever is looking after us and our needs, automatically and subconsciously becomes a role-model, due to a natural exchange process. We do not even think, how quickly we sponge from our immediate environment and grow into a person, that we often disagree with when it comes to values or principles.

This is when you catch yourself acting or even sounding like your mother, father or an older sibling. Some of us will take a fancy with external role models and will learn from them, less or more deliberately.

The challenge starts, when the traits that you may be exposed to, are not positive. As I mentioned in my previous article, insecurities are learnt behaviours. They originate from our own or other person’s negative experience, which in fact may be completely subjectively negative. Our perception of certain encounters after the age of 5 is already contaminated with the perception of our caregivers.

Therefore, if you notice in yourself that you are trying to control another person by repeatedly persuading them to take on your point of view, convince them to follow your own beliefs, trying to change them in any way, shape or form - then this is the very pure example of your insecurities manifesting themself.

If you detect that something really does not sit well with you, that something is irritating, bothering or frustrating you in the other person, remember that this is your problem, not theirs.

You can express your feelings around the topic in question, but don’t be fooled that you are the one who is right. Everyone is entitled to live their life as they wish to and choose to, regardless if you like it or not. The only time you can intervene is when it comes to your child or a vulnerable person.

Of course, you can try to have a conversation and outline your perspective, but the moment you imply emotional, let alone physical pressure on another human being to change for your own comfort, you are effectively using emotional abuse.

So, if something really disturbs you in the behaviour of another person, let them know about this in a kind and composed way, and then let them make the choice. Do not blackmail them, do not try to guilt trip them, do not become a victim or persecutor (ref). Just leave them alone. Accept that people are different, embrace the difference within your family, friends, colleagues.

Confront your mind and consider this: is this difference that I am faced with causing harm to me or others? Is this harm real, rational or biased by my own beliefs? Is this difference unknown and could I learn from it?

Or perhaps, you can now reflect upon your own thought process. Where this all stems from? What are the reasons that I need to control the other person, their behaviour, actions, choices so much? What gratification do I get from that? What don’t I like about myself that I do that?

Where these insecurities came from? Who did I learn them from? What scares me that much in the behaviour of the person I criticise or disagree with? What emotions this situation evokes?

If we make ourselves aware of the traits that we learn from the environment we grew up in, we can often notice how distorted they are. How negative and twisted our beliefs can be.

Humans naturally resist what they (or their role-models) don’t know, what they don’t understand, what is different to what they were exposed to as children.

This is all.

Once you open yourself to the possibility of change and explore your mind, only then can you grow and make a difference to the quality of your life.

Thank you for your time

Warmly

Agatha

Reference:

1)Retrieved: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle