Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?

I looked down appreciatively at my pedicured feet, and I thought about my sister-in-law Jill who decided about 20 years ago that she would have mani/pedis on a regular basis. Her hands and feet always look ready for primetime.

At the time, I only got mani/pedis sporadically; I believed they were for special occasions and summer sandals. The permission that Jill gave herself to be pampered and polished on a regular basis gave me permission to do the same; I was grateful then for the behavior she modeled, and I'm still grateful for this habit I adopted, too.

Why did I subconsciously need permission for what I saw then as pampering and now see as maintenance? I'm no less grateful, but I don't feel as if I need to earn it or to be some kind of worthy.

What I've learned is that every moment is a special occasion, and I don't save anything for special now.

We are what we believe we are.

C.S. LEWIS

A larger and more impactful example of feeling as if I needed permission occurred about six years ago. I was visiting my parents at their vacation home on the NC coast, and I told them I was thinking about leaving my husband. I'd struggled with whether to stay or go for years, and I was working up my courage to make the move.

My mom immediately said, "You can't do that to him."

And so I didn't. I stayed for several more years.

Apparently, I was still agreeing to what other people said I was and what I should do. So I continued to struggle until I learned to discern my own path and trust my heart. My opportunity came in the late spring of 2020.

At that time—after 12 weeks of pandemic lockdown—I embarked on a two-month community cleanse with my Functional Medicine doctor and a small group of his patients. Almost immediately, I had the clarity and the energy to step into the unknown. I imagined how I wanted to feel in my new life, and then I took one step and then another, and another.

I returned to the faith of my youth, Roman Catholicism, and I learned to listen to God as he spoke to me through the people and circumstances in my life. I learned to integrate mind and heart, to trust and have faith in the path rather than feel as if I had to control everything.

I also learned that my attitude of, "I'll be happy when...," was such an illusion.

I write this three years later, and the contrast between the way I lived then and the way I live now is vast. It's as if I live in a different universe; it's much brighter and fuller. It's more fulfilling and more impactful.

If you are like I was, subconsciously waiting for permission to follow your own inner light, I encourage you to trust your intuition. Journaling is a great tool, as is engaging with others who are surrendering to the call to be their authentic selves.

May you give yourself the permission you seek to live the life you know you are meant to live.

This doesn't mean you have to chuck everything and run away—but is does mean that you must start noticing the fruits of your mindset and your actions. If these fruits don't currently include joy and peace in your heart, don't despair. The present moment is the most important one, and you can make a life-affirming choice right now. The momentum will build, and you will find the others who want to journey with you.

May God bless your path, and may you accept the blessings!