WHO’S ZOOMIN’ WHO? All New Concerns Have Zoomed Into Our Lives

Go ahead. Let’s be honest. This Zoom existence is starting to drive you crazy. Maybe you’re a businessperson. Or a student. Or heaven forbid, a ‘step’ teacher, through no fault of your own. Nobody really wants to bluntly share their frustrations publicly. Except for me. You see, I was born in the Northeast where subtlety and decorum left the building long before Rip Van Winkle readied himself for what he thought was going to be a brief nap. So here we go...10 questions so many of us are thinking (but not asking aloud) now that video conferencing and screen sharing have become our not-so-favorite pastimes. 

1. Do I really look this _____ in real life? Only you know the exact adjective that is running through your mind at the very moment your call goes live. Bad. Fat. Skinny. Out-of-it. Old. Unkempt. For me, I almost always hit the max (5 out of 6) on that fill-in-the-blank list. 
2. If I end up having to screen share, will they be able to see my open tabs? You better hope not, but they likely can. ESPN? TMZ? Pornocopia?  My advice...keep tabs on your tabs.  
3. Does my daughter know I’m on a video call? Or is she gonna walk into my makeshift home office with her AirPods in, rap-singing that Post Malone/Ozzy song? Wait. That might be ok, after all. A little diversion for everyone.
4. Speaking of my ‘office,’ what can all the Zoom attendees see behind me? Should I have hid my bowling trophy and that photo of me with that lampshade on my head from my last birthday? You already know the answer.
5. Am I 100% sure that there’ll be no video element to the conference? You better be certain. I’m not sure they’d all agree that you do your best work in your Hello Kitty pajamas. Even though I believe you. I think.
6. What happens if I put myself on mute and take a quick detour        to the bathroom and they call on me to respond? That should be the least of your worries. We’ve all read the horror stories about Zoom calls coexisting with nature calling. You just don’t want to add to those ‘close’ calls.
7. Am I the only person in the world who gave a 90-second response  only to find that I had myself on mute? Trust me, you’re not. I’ve got   that record broken...by a lot.
8. Is my boyfriend being honest when he says that hardly anyone wears pants on a video call? I’m not sure, but I, for one, really like his creative thinking. 
9. I’m stuck at only being able to do 3 other things while on a Zoom call. Any advice on expanding my capabilities? You are obviously a Zoom multi-tasking amateur. I’ve seen eating, drinking, crosswording, texting, IG posting, cooking and overseeing homework done simultaneously by some talented Zoomologists. Keep at it. Everything takes practice.
10. Has anyone come up with the perfect excuse to beg out of their 9th Zoom call of the day? Forget it. Even if your dog ate your laptop, you’ll still be expected to download the video conferencing app on your smartphone. Heck, go the other way! Try to schedule one more call to reach coveted double digit status. It’s all about positivity.

Let’s face it. Videoconferencing is here to stay, likely for the very long haul.  My advice to you...chill out. Embrace it. Laugh about it. Our post-pandemic life certainly can’t be all Zoom and gloom. Or we’ll all likely need teletherapy and then a whole new list of 10 concerns will evolve.