Whose side are you on?

20 January 2017

I was chatting with my wife about my first article and the merits of considering my audience as I write. I dismissed her ideas initially. I dismissed them because I thought I wasn’t bothered about my audience and that these are simply my ponderings. I should have listened and I was wrong.

Well, I did listen; I just didn’t look like it at the time.

There was good feedback. It was constructive and based on personal and professional training and experience and I still wasn’t listening. I wasn’t in the mood for feedback – I had just driven home from work for an hour, the kids wanted to talk to me (which is a great thing by the way) and I wasn’t talking back. I hadn’t ‘decompressed’ from the drive.

On reflection, this has led me to thinking about negotiation. That’s what I am doing with you now. I’m negotiating with you… to read on, hopefully.

So why is this topic close to my heart and why am I taking you on this journey with me now?

Well, it’s relevant to home, to work and to play; kids in playgrounds, parent versus child at bed time (!), passing with trolleys in the supermarket aisles, queuing at McDonalds at Waterloo train station (if you’ve been there you will know), job interviews, company takeovers, Southern Rail Train Guard negotiations and ‘Brexit’.

What changes are the scale, the complexity of the problem and, most importantly, the people. People are arguably the reason for complexity!

In my professional environment a lot is made of empathy, personality types and biases with many tools at my disposal to deal with conflict. Many of us will have had training in learning and development, coaching and mentoring, leadership, management and so on; all great stuff. In addition, though, to be successful in application they have to rely on some sense of an underpinning aptitude for conflict management, emotional contracts, situational awareness and good relationships. I’ve seen people struggle with ‘soft’ skills training because it cannot give a right or wrong answer. I’ve also seen people have some of the best training and education money can buy and still come out none the wiser or refuse to change their behaviour. You cannot create aptitude or innate ability and you cannot change personalities.

What all of these things do is give you is an appreciation for the diversity of and strategies for people management. It is difficult, this managing people thing, both directly and indirectly. You very rarely see the same problem presented in exactly the same way twice.

Trust is a key requirement.

Consider a negotiation or conflict, anything where there is a difference of opinion. The view from the other side of the table has to be that my own self-interest is less than, or at least equal to, theirs to begin with. Well thought out arguments will help even more, when constructed in a way that ‘fits’ the person’s or peoples’ value sets and technical requirements on both sides. Well thought out does not mean technically considered in this case, with facts and figures. It helps but isn’t the be all and end all. It means considering the needs of the other side and yours.

Picture the scene: Two goal oriented people, head strong, with little thought or consideration for the other side will struggle to come to agreement even if both sides have something positive or a possible solution to add. One will win, one will lose or nobody will win at all. There will be no win-win. And the consequence might not directly affect you. The recent Southern Rail strikes remind me of this even though I’m sure the intention on both sides is broadly positive from their perspective.

Very experienced and knowledgeable people can struggle with this too. Conflicting opinion and the perception of great power and influence is common ‘at the top’ but rarely is one answer the only answer. Considering that there might be more than one solution or that you don’t have the only answer may be difficult for an ‘expert’.

“Have my professional integrity challenged? What? Me? At my age? What will this do to my credibility? No way!”

“What is this ‘collaboration’? Sounds like ‘compromise’ to me.”

Even if you hold all the cards and there is only one real outcome, should you make the other party feel like they’ve lost or about to lose? How will that affect future relationships? Not just for you but for others who follow you, who have to maintain relationships or build them once you are long gone, professionally, not mortally.

What I am writing about is not new. We do, however, forget to think about what and with whom we are going into in a given situation. I feel like am much more successful when I have really thought about it beforehand and prepared mentally, in all situations: with my children, my wife, my friends, my boss, his boss, my peers, people I mentor. The list goes on. The way I feel is important. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means perfect. I cock it up all the time. I’m goal oriented and I struggle with empathy like some other people, especially when under pressure.

The difference is I know it matters, it makes perfect sense and it will affect the outcome in a more positive way. So I do it.