Who’s Got Your Back? The People We Need in Our Lives

I continue to be encouraged by your comments and reactions each week, and with the increase in subscribers. If you’re finding this newsletter valuable, forward it to your friends and colleagues. This week’s article was prompted by Melissa Kirsch’s short NY Times piece, The Morning: The friends we keep (nytimes.com). Check it out…

In addition to Melissa’s post, there was a confluence of other sources provoking me to write about the importance of being intentional about developing and maintaining certain key relationships. including a monthly blog post by my best friend, Jim (more about him and our friendship shortly.) Warning… as I wrote this article, I realized it’s an area of life I’ve too frequently neglected, so you may too. Let’s explore this together and discover the lessons we need to apply.

My friend Jim and I began working together in the early 80’s. We held the same national headquarters positions in an international organization, but in different countries. We soon found lots of opportunities to collaborate, and that continued even when we’d both changed jobs and organizations multiple times. During that time we became best friends and accountability partners. We’ve shared our greatest joys and toughest challenges in all areas of our lives. We’re committed ‘to seek and tell the truth together’, and that has provided the kind of ‘fuel’ Kirsch mentioned in her post.?

Jim and I often take on joint learning projects where we challenge each other to share insights and successful applications of what we’re learning. We even give each other points for especially juicy tips! Some projects have been book-based and, a while back, Jim introduced me to John Townsend’s insightful book, People Fuel. Townsend provides a solid psychological foundation for what he calls ‘relational nutrients’ and explains why they are so important to our health and well-being, both now and in the future. He also describes, in detail, five types of people we need in our lives… and two types we don’t. It’s a worthy read.

Accountability is a ‘Life Team’ Sport

A key concept in People Fuel is the ‘Life Team’, which Townsend defines as a collection of people (not a formal or informal group) “composed of those individuals who know all about you and can handle it all, just as you know and can handle everything about them.” What caught my attention was that I didn’t think I had one! While Jim and I are wonderful accountability partners for each other – as are my wife and I – I couldn’t identify others who I regularly, intentionally connect with to receive and supply helpful relational nutrients. I can easily recall people who’ve made important contributions to my life at every stage, and a smaller number where the benefit has been mutual. But I also realize that I’ve lost touch with many, and some have died.

I decided to make a list of my ‘life supporting’ relationships, past and present. My first reaction was to feel really blessed. My second… that I was only in touch with a few and only randomly and infrequently, and some not at all. I was humbled… and I felt guilty for having let too many of those connections slide. Perhaps this is true for you as well. Consider making your own list of life supporting relationships and notice which you’ve let slide.

The People We Need

So, moving forward, what are the most important relationships we need to develop and maintain throughout life? From my own experience there are two main categories: first, accountability partners; second, coaches, mentors, and trusted advisors.

The most important, in my opinion, are accountability partners, those few special people we trust with sharing the whole of our life experiences… our hopes, dreams, challenges, fears, and failures. These relationships are most powerfully effective when they are mutual. For decades now Jim and I regularly connect for what we call ‘gut check’ conversations.?

He and I have met monthly, by phone and now Zoom, for many years. And, except for the ‘pandemic hiatus', we’ve met in person at least once annually for a five-day retreat. We review the past year, problem-solve together, and plan. Five years ago, we laid out our 20-year visions for our futures. We also eat great food, drink good wine, and watch music documentaries. Sometimes we play golf. Countless major life changes have been discussed and initiated during those times for both of us, and then reinforced during our monthly calls. Our joint commitment to being a resource to each other has paid huge dividends for each of us. It’s safe to say neither of us would be the persons we are were it not for this shared commitment.

A second category is coaches, mentors and trusted advisors. In my mind, these are the ‘specialists’ we count on to help us address specific aspects of life. They are the professional development mentors, career development consultants, business and life coaches, financial advisors, tech support people, sports coaches, health and wellness professionals, and many others. For each of us they make up our personal network of trusted individuals who help with planning and problem-solving in areas where we can’t or shouldn’t rely solely on ourselves. Each provides essential support in a very focused way.

The People We Don’t Need

Inevitably, we find ourselves in relationships that have the opposite impact. They waste our time, drain our energy, and undermine our opportunities for growth and fulfillment. I see three categories: critics and correctors; chronic complainers; and the ‘outwardly nice.’

Critics and correctors are easy to spot… the ‘glass half empty’ people we meet throughout life, sometimes quite early. For some of us they may have been a demanding parent more focused on the five percent we missed on our otherwise outstanding school test. For others perhaps it was a teacher or supervisor who believed correction was the best way to improve performance. Maybe it was a partner or close friend who often pointed out our missteps or problem patterns under the guise of ‘friendly advice.’?

Chronic complainers, on the other hand, don’t direct their negativity to us. Rather, they beat up on themselves. They’re masters of what I call ‘one-down-man-ship.’ Whatever challenge we’re facing is nothing compared to what they’re experiencing. This evokes a childhood memory of a song from a weekly skit on an old TV show called Hee Haw. The chorus was:

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Deep, dark depression, excessive misery

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

I thought that was really funny at the time… but later realized it described how some people viewed their lives. Their daily experience is one of failure and helplessness. This often results in a deep sense of resentment and resistance to consider change. Whatever the root cause of their situation, helplessness can become a strange kind of refuge… a comfortable place where not changing seems better than trying to improve. What is so draining is that they want to tell you about their plight over and over again… they’re living out the chorus to the song.

The third category is ‘outwardly nice.’ This can be tricky to spot because, at least ‘outwardly’, these individuals seem genuinely ‘nice.’ They’re almost obsessed with being helpful. What we realize eventually is that they’re more interested in ‘being seen as’ being nice. When we look past their outwardly helpful behavior, we see they are motivated more by their own need for affirmation than by meeting our needs. At worst, they don’t even ‘see’ us, or understand our hopes, needs and challenges. Instead, they are acting out of their own sense of what will make us like – and validate – them.?

So, why do I include this category under the heading ‘The People We Don’t Need.’ Don’t we want nice people in our lives? The problem is that ‘pleasers’ often can’t be trusted to provide the relationship nutrient we sometimes most need in our lives, the truth. They withhold the ‘hard truth’ they see in our behavior out of fear of our rejection. In that sense they don’t ‘have our back’ as much as they have their own.

Becoming More Intentional About Relationships…

I hope you’ve gained some fresh insights into the relationships we all need in our lives. Ideally, this has jump-started the process of creating your own list of people in each of the categories I’ve mentioned. So, where to from here?

The first step, as it was for me not so long ago, is to commit to being more intentional about developing and managing your relationships. For me that meant identifying people with whom I needed to reconnect, and inviting them to do that in-person, on Zoom or by phone, and soon. I’ve introduced the Life Team concept to some and asked them to consider being part of mine, committing to having deeper mutual dialogue about all of life. Some conversations have begun, starting with a single question, “What’s happening in your life today?” As we share, we discover where and how we can encourage and support each other, and the rich relational nutrients can flow freely in both directions.?

One more suggestion… as you build your list, note the people who made especially important contributions to your life in the past but with whom you aren’t currently connected. Where possible, reach out to them and thank them for ‘having your back’ when you most needed that. You’ll both be glad you did that.

For the next few weeks, I’m switching topics and focusing on ‘Whole Life Performance.’ It’s my take on personal productivity. Don’t worry… I’m not promoting some new system to help you squeeze more tasks into your day. My focus is on getting more fulfillment from life as a whole.