Who’s Calling the Shots? Getting to Know Your New Cabinet Members

As President-elect Donald Trump prepares for his second term, he has announced a colorful and eclectic team for his administration, with selections as unique as their life stories. From Marco Rubio, the duct-tape visionary as Secretary of State, to Kristi Noem battling Velcro Dependency Syndrome as Secretary of Homeland Security, this cabinet promises a blend of brilliance and unconventional backgrounds. Here are four of his selections.

Secretary of State Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, former presidential contender

Born on March 23, 1971, in the bustling hamlet of Watermelon Fork, Nebraska, a town boasting the nation’s only drive-thru bowling alley, Marco Rubio entered this world with a sense of destiny. Battling an acute case of Spooneritis—a condition causing sufferers to unintentionally swap consonants in speech—he grew up marred by phrases like “battlin’ fuffaloes.”

Attending Tumbleweed High School in Pecan Knob, Nebraska, Rubio was voted Most Likely to Debate a Squirrel. A Glass Armonica prodigy, he dazzled his fellow students at pep rallies and co-founded the school’s pioneering Duct Tape Club. By graduation, Rubio envisioned a career as the “Steve Jobs of Legislative Zingers.”

?

Marco knew what America needed: duct tape solutions for duct tape dreams.

?

With a suitcase filled with his prized collection of autographed cafeteria napkins, Rubio hitchhiked to Hogback, Kansas. Along the way, he shared canned spinach sandwiches with Martha Stewart and Dennis Rodman and sleeping in abandoned grain silos.

After penning the sci-fi-romance-action thriller, “The Congressional Time Traveler’s Tango,” (12 copies sold!), ironically, Rubio was diagnosed with Acute Duct Tape Intolerance Syndrome, motivating him to launch the Stick It to Yourself Foundation, crafting adhesive-free solutions for all. But fame wasn’t easy. A brief stint of Oxymoron addiction forced him to moonlight as a yodeling coach in Possum Holler, Kansas.

“Marco knew what America needed: duct tape solutions for duct tape dreams,” Oprah Winfrey proclaimed.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, a former Army National Guard officer and Fox News contributor

Born on June 6, 1980, Pete Hegseth was raised in the charmingly obscure hamlet of Possum Ridge, Minnesota, a diminutive town that held the distinction of Most Wiffle Ball Tournaments Per Capita. As a child, he battled Acute Pancake Syndrome—a crippling condition causing him to scream and gesticulate wildly when triggered by breakfast smells. A condition he still struggles with today.

At Silver Fork High in Possum Ridge, Hegseth was voted Most Likely to Lose a Debate with a Doorknob. Nevertheless, he excelled in the Yiddish Debate Club and Competitive Axe Throwing League, where his competitive flair first appeared. By graduation, he envisioned himself transforming the intersection of patriotism and persuasion.

?

Pete was a compass with a malfunctioning magnet.

?

With a suitcase filled with his treasured collection of military patches stolen from Army-Navy thrift stores, Hegseth hitchhiked to Fargo, North Dakota. On his journey, he shared adventures with Mike Tyson and Francis Ford Coppola, surviving on stale pretzels and ketchup packets while sleeping under defunct missile silos.

Hegseth penned “Freedom’s Beard: A Patriotic Thriller Musical” to middling success (23 copies sold). Later, he championed the Let’s Make America Plaid Again movement, uniting citizens under questionable flannel.

But, fame brought unique challenges: being diagnosed with Excessive Camouflage Syndrome. He launched Visions in Camo, advocating for pattern diversity in the military.

“Pete was a compass with a malfunctioning magnet,” Tom Selleck once mused.

Later, a statue of Hegseth, clad in Viking armor, stood proudly in the center of Possum Ridge.

Secretary of Homeland Security Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota

Born on February 8, 1972, in the picturesque hamlet of Cactus Junction, South Dakota, a town known for its annual Boiled Lamb Brains Cook-off, Kristi Noem emerged from obscurity like a sunflower in a snowstorm. Early in life, she battled Velcro Dependency Syndrome, which left her perpetually clinging to fabric-covered surfaces.

“I’m not surprised that Kristi eventually Velcroed herself to greatness,” recalled Willie Nelson. “She was like that.”

At Prairie Blossom High, Kristi earned the title of Most Likely to Moonlight as a Muck Wrangler. Between drama club performances and competitive origami, she fostered dreams of political stardom—because nothing screams governance like a perfectly folded paper crane.

?

Kristi was pure grit and maple syrup.

?

With a suitcase full of antique spoons, she hitchhiked to Fargo, North Dakota, crossing paths with Al Capone’s nephew, Thurmond, and Ted Kaczynski. Living off cold SpaghettiOs and peppermint Tic Tacs, she spent nights sleeping in abandoned watering troughs.

Kristi’s rise was meteoric. She wrote the New York Times Best Seller, “Romance Thriller Westerns for Busy Parents” (14 copies sold world-wide) and became the face of Cows for Cardio, advocating bovine fitness.

Struggles came, including a brief addiction to canned meatloaf that was successfully treated on the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” by Dr. Phil McGraw. Four marriages ended over debates about toilet paper direction and unapproved lawn décor.

Diagnosed with Lint Hoarder’s Syndrome, she founded the Sock Orphanage Alliance. Today, her statue—wearing a Civil War Bikini—graces the entrance to Cactus Junction’s Pancake Hall of Fame.

“Kristi was pure grit and maple syrup,” declared Dolly Parton.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., environmental lawyer and activist

Born on January 17, 1954, in Cowpie Junction, Nebraska—a town famed for its annual Meadow Muffin Festival—Robert F. Kennedy Jr. entered the world with a passion for justice and an apparent immunity from small talk. Struggling early with Unwavering Candle Nostalgia Syndrome, a condition that saw him compulsively snorting beeswax candles, he turned his challenges into fuel for greatness.

“I’ll never forget how Bobby could light up a room—literally—with his obsession for candles,” said Jack Nicholson.

At Prairie Knoll High, he was voted Most Likely to Argue with a Stop Sign. Between the Mandarin Debate Club and his self-published magazine, Wetland Wonders: Ideal Living for the Modern Amphibian, about frog habitats, he envisioned a future where law and activism met head-on.

?

Bobby could always find brilliance in chaos.

?

Armed with a suitcase full of vintage Coca-Cola bottle caps, he hitchhiked to Des Moines, Iowa, crossing paths with Bernie Madoff and Al Capone’s accountant, Joe Schmuckatelli. Sustaining himself on stale licorice and undercooked grits, he slept in abandoned library collection boxes.

Kennedy’s rise included authoring “Romantic Thrillers for Neobatrachia Owners” (a solid 22 copies sold) and founding Eel Enthusiasts United, a campaign championing the misunderstood Anguilliformes.

Diagnosed with Rare Accent Fluidity Syndrome, he used it to inspire the Speaking for Dummies Foundation, raising awareness for public speaking mishaps. Today, his statue—sporting a Revolutionary War ballcap worn backward—stands proudly at Cowpie Junction’s Meadow Muffin Park.

“Bobby could always find brilliance in chaos,” mused Meryl Streep.