Who’s to Blame: A story of Strengths Crossed Lovers

Here’s a story of a couple I coached a while back. I met Sarah (names have been changed) as her employer appointed coach and she loved so much how it helped her in her career, that she insisted on coaching in her family life at home. Her husband was on-board and here’s an example of how coaching helped strengthen their relationship.

Michael and Sarah were a married couple who had recently started attending coaching sessions together. They loved each other deeply but often found themselves caught in a frustrating cycle of misunderstandings. Some of their common arguments were around how differently they approached situations, especially when things went wrong.

One day, Sarah shared a story during their session. She had borrowed Michael's car to run some errands. While backing out of a parking spot, she accidentally scraped the underside of the car on the gutter. The damage was minor and hardly visible unless you looked closely, but she knew immediately that Michael would notice it.

When Michael saw the scrape, his face tightened for just a moment. He didn’t yell or scold her—he rarely did—but his silence was loud enough for Sarah to sense his disappointment. For her, that moment lingered. She felt terrible, not just for the scrape but for what she thought it might mean to him. She imagined he was thinking about the cost of repair, the carelessness she might have shown, or perhaps even questioning why she had driven the car at all.

Michael, however, wasn’t angry. As he explained, "I don’t really believe in accidents. If something happens, someone is responsible. And since it was my car, it was my responsibility to make sure everything was clear before Sarah used it. But then I see how upset she gets, and I feel like it’s my fault for making her feel that way. I hate that."

As they talked, the picture became clearer. Sarah’s natural empathy made her acutely sensitive to Michael’s reactions. She wasn’t just apologising for the scrape; she was taking on the emotional burden of his disappointment, whether it was real or just perceived. On the other hand, Michael’s deep sense of responsibility made him see any mishap as a failure on his part, even if it wasn’t directly his fault. He felt responsible for Sarah’s guilt and discomfort, creating a feedback loop of self-blame.

This was the moment I stepped in to reframe their perspectives. I pointed out how their individual tendencies—Sarah’s ability to deeply sense and connect with others’ emotions, and Michael’s unwavering commitment to owning outcomes—were actually strengths. "Michael," I said, "your sense of responsibility is a strength because it ensures that you take care of what matters. Sarah, your empathy is a strength because it allows you to connect and care for others in a way that most people can’t."

"But here’s the thing," I continued. "When these strengths clash, it can create misunderstanding. Michael, your focus on accountability can feel like blame to Sarah, even when it’s not intended that way. Sarah, your empathy can make you assume Michael’s feelings are worse than they really are, which can magnify the situation for both of you."

They nodded, beginning to see the dynamic more clearly. Then I asked, "What if, instead of clashing, you used these strengths to support each other? Michael, your responsibility could become a steady foundation that helps Sarah feel secure. And Sarah, your empathy could remind Michael that his care and concern are what matter most, not the scrape under the car."

It was like a light bulb went off for them. They began to see that their strengths weren’t just sources of tension—they were tools they could use to complement each other. Michael promised to voice his feelings more clearly, to help Sarah separate his thoughts from her assumptions. Sarah, in turn, committed to checking in with Michael instead of guessing what he might be thinking.

Over time, they started catching these moments before they spiralled. When something went wrong, Michael would remind himself that not everything was his responsibility, and Sarah would remind herself to give Michael space to express his thoughts without jumping to conclusions. Their marriage grew stronger as they learned to see their differences not as weaknesses but as ways to grow together.

Even today, reflecting on that story warms my heart. In my day-to-day I’m generally helping individuals with their careers, and it's very satisfying to see them succeed. However, it brings me joy to be able to help couples and families, and I set aside one evening a week for a couple of coaching clients to help them strengthen their relationships. Often it only takes 3-4 sessions to achieve rewarding results. I’m opening two spots now for 2025 on Wednesday evenings at 7pm and 8pm AEST. Or even better still, book a holiday to the Gold Coast in January and we can do it over a weekend. DM me now or comment below, I’d be happy to help.

#RelationshipBuilding, #SavingMyMarriage, StrengthenMarriage, #FocusOnStrengths