The whoblockedit story

Office toilets – they don’t half take a beating. The cracked seats, the weakened flushers, the constant flux of wee and poo. No wonder they breakdown. When an office toilet gets blocked, you know about it. Up goes the sign, out goes the email, in comes a plumber to fix the thing. Today’s story is about a blocked office toilet that sparks an office investigation. A clogged bog that sends management doolally. This is the whoblockedit story. Buckle up, you’re in for an odd ride.

The year is 2009. Location: Putney, London. Britain is reeling from the Global Financial Crisis and panic is brewing across the country. PrimeTimed, a media firm in Putney, is feeling the wrath of the crisis and is having to make tough decisions, including potential cuts to its workforce.

‘Redundancies are coming. You know that, right?’ said David. David works in PrimeTimed’s Production team and is adamant he’ll be let go.

‘What makes you say that?’ replied Jess. Jess works in the Editorial team and is fairly new to the company.

‘I’ve been in this situation before – first the economy crashes, then the redundancies come and, before you know it, you’re out the door. I know how these things go.’

‘Sure, but who’s to say we’ll head in that direction. We’re still taking calls, we’re still doing business. Maybe we’ll be alright’ said Jess.

With tensions running high in the office and staff members feeling nervous, many have taken to calling in sick and spending increasing amounts of time in the toilet, causing many toilets to become blocked.

‘Have you seen the state of the toilets recently?’ asked Jess. ‘I walked into two blocked toilets last week, and this isn’t the first time.’

‘You know what that is, don’t you?’ said David. ‘Nerves. Well, nervous guts anyway. It’s the first thing that goes when people are worried about stuff.’

‘Worried? Worried about what?’

‘The company. The economy. People are shitting themselves.’

Blocked toilets are nothing out of the ordinary for a company of PrimeTimed’s size. But the recent spate of blockages it’s been experiencing have racked up quite a bill and sent management into panic mode.

‘We need to do something about the toilet situation here’ said Reena, PrimeTimed’s Facilities Manager. ‘This is the sixth blockage in recent months.’

‘You’re right’ replied Henry, Reena’s manager and Head of Facilities. ‘It’s very odd. I’ve never seen anything like it. Makes you wonder what they’re all gorging on upstairs. What’s the plumber’s verdict? He’s here often enough.’

‘Who, Barry? You know Barry - he never says much. He just comes in, fixes the bogs, and sends us an invoice. Either there’s a deeper issue he’s not telling us about it, or we need to get someone else in.’

‘Someone else as in another plumber?’ asked Henry. ‘Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion. What’s Dean’s take on all of this?’

‘CEO Dean? He’s not happy about it, that’s for sure. These recent call-outs have been costing us thousands, and you know the final state of the company at the moment.’

Aware of the toilet situation and keen to get to the bottom it, Dean’s decided to take matters into his own hands and commence an office investigation. Gilly, his PA, isn’t impressed at his suggestions.

‘You can’t be serious, Dean?’ said Gilly, Dean’s PA. ‘An investigation into blocked toilets – what are you hoping to find? Toilets get blocked – it happens. You know how many people work in this place.’

‘Blocked toilets are one thing, but this is something else’ replied Dean. ‘These blocked toilets are costing us thousands. Either someone here is deliberately sabotaging them, or we’ve a major stool problem in the company. Either way, I want this investigated.’

‘Want what investigated? Short of swabbing the bogs and questioning people on their toilet habits, there isn’t much we can do other than get a plumber in. Which is precisely what we have been doing. Anything more than that and you’re asking for a lawsuit’ said Gilly.

‘Swabbing the bogs – now there’s an idea! As for questioning people, I’m sure we can do that on the sly. We just need a good reason to interrogate people. While we’re at it, let’s get some cameras put in – that’ll draw out the blocker.’

Gilly laughed. ‘You’ve come out with some howlers in your time, Dean, but nothing this ridiculous. How exactly are you proposing we interrogate people about their toilet habits? You know what you’re suggesting is illegal, right?! You know we can’t do this?!’

‘Says who? I can do what I like. This is my company. Watch me’ said Dean.

And so began PrimeTimed’s investigation into its blocked toilet debacle. An investigation which, much to Gilly’s shock and horror, would involve not only the circulation of awkward emails and difficult conversations between managers and staff, but the installation of cameras to monitor staff movements.

‘You know what this reminds me of’ said Clive in Sales. ‘One of those comedy murder mystery films. You know, one of those whodunits.’

‘You’re not wrong’ said Steve, another PrimeTimed Sales Executive. ‘I’m surprised they’ve not got poo investigators in to study our shit, Gillian McKeith style.’

Clive laughed. ‘Don’t give them any ideas, Steve. I’m sure they’d love to get the marigolds out if they could.’

Just then, Jeremy passed their desk. Jeremy works in PrimeTimed’s Customer Service team and is on his way for a wee.

‘Be careful how you go in there, Jeremy. They’re watching you’ said Clive.

‘Yeah, easy on the solids, Jezza. We’re one blockage away from being locked up’ Steve added.

Jeremy smirked. ‘It’s a good job I’ve got the runs today then, isn’t it’ he said.

Like Clive and Steve, Jeremy’s been mostly jokey about the toilet fiasco, but the situation’s now started to worry him – and for good reason.

As the enters the toilet and begins to unbuckle, Jeremy’s phone starts to ring. Jeremy looks at the phone cautiously and reluctantly answers.

‘Now is not a good time. I'm on the loo’ he responded, answering the phone. ‘Give me 10 minutes. I’ll buzz you back.’

Unwilling to take the call in the office, Jeremy heads outside, passing reception, where he catches Reena’s attention. ‘Jezza – your mate, the plumber, Barry, please can you get him to give us a call. We’re all blocked up again and we need him to come by’ said Reena.

‘No problem. I’ll ask him to give you a call’ said Jeremy, a nervous smile forming in the corners of his mouth.

Jeremy steps outside and away from the office. His fishes in his pocket for his phone and, spotting the coast is clear, phones back his mystery caller.

‘We need to stop this, mate. It’s getting serious now’ said Jeremy.

‘Stop what?’ replied the man.

‘You know what’ said Jeremy. ‘They know something’s up and they’re looking into it. It’s only a matter of time before they clock what’s going on.’

‘But I need this’ said the man. ‘You know how tough it is out there at the moment. This job’s a good earner and besides, you’re getting your cut. What’s the problem?’

‘The problem is these blocked toilets are costing the company thousands and they’re not happy about it. They’re onto us, Barry. I’m telling you!’

‘Yeah, right’ said Barry, laughing. ‘These clowns don’t know two squats about a blocked toilet – that’s why they pay me the money that they do and that’s why you’re going to keep blocking them up.’

‘But, Frank…’

‘But nothing! It’s the perfect crime. Who would’ve thought that flushing cotton wool down the toilet could prove such a decent earner.’

Desperate times can drive people to desperate measures. Flushing away your problems is easy, but you may just be blocking yourself up in the long-run. In the case of the whoblockedit story, it was one flush too many.