Who is at your "Table of 5"?

Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, our world is disrupted. The reality we once knew no longer exists, and in its place is this world that looks a lot the same but is unmistakably different. We’re grieving the life we had. We’re aching for certainty. And we feel lost. I’ve been here before—not in the middle of a global pandemic, but in moments of intense insecurity—and I know that even though we may feel powerless, we always have a choice. We can choose to be the victim of everything that is happening, or we can choose to embrace it and allow it to awaken our minds to new growth. But it’s not easy to do; we’re going to need a little help.

Over the last several months, I have been reminded of my own personal journey of awakenings. When I was 32 my mom suddenly and unexpectedly died at age 57 from stage four breast cancer. I had two boys under three, was four months pregnant with my third child, and I felt so utterly vulnerable. Some years later, my husband went into a deep mid-life crisis. Our children were still young, our marriage was intensely challenged, and I was desperate for an answer regarding what to do next. On the professional front, I faced a lot of pushback early in my career as a young woman trying to sell software. Many people told me I wasn’t cut out for sales, so much that I almost believed it. In every instance, three common themes emerged: it started out with some level of a breakdown; it ended with a breakthrough sense of purpose; and the reason why I was able to get from breakdown to breakthrough so quickly was a deep circle of trust around me, which I now call my “Table of Five.”

What is the “Table of Five?”

The “Table of Five” is a term I named in 2014 to describe the alliances I have formed throughout my life with people who I trust to hold me accountable for getting past my fears, believing in myself, and passionately pursuing my dreams. These are people who know me, my values, weaknesses, and strengths and who can create a safe, judgment-free space for me to process my feelings and tap into my superpowers. They are people who know how to break me out of a fixed mindset of self-doubt and victimization into a growth mindset, where I have the power to overcome any obstacle through an open mind and voracious appetite for listening and learning.

In my knowing, each of us would be well served to design our own “Table of Five” to guide us through this unsettling time and awaken our minds to new growth. Here are some tips for how you can begin designing yours:

1.     Keep your table small and diverse. While the exact number of people at your table doesn’t matter, what does is that you keep it small enough to allow yourself to engage deeply with each one and large enough to allow for different perspectives. Your table should include people who are diverse not only in their background, but also in their knowing of you. The more diverse the perspectives and holistic the view, the greater chance of a breakthrough.

2.     Seek out judgement-free zones. I remember when my mom died how much judgment people had of her: Why didn’t she…? How could she not have….? It was complicated for sure. Regardless, it was the people who said, “Rae, how can we serve you?” in a truly judgment-free space that made the difference. As you look for this quality in others, it might help for you to nurture this quality in yourself as well. Try to let go of the judgments just for an hour or even for a day.

3.     Aim for psychological safety, not psychological comfort. Psychological safety is defined as the feeling and belief that we will not be punished, judged, or humiliated for speaking up with questions, concerns, or mistakes. When we feel psychologically safe, we take risks, try something new, and have the confidence to speak our truth. Psychological safety is uncomfortable because is asks us to have the courage to think differently. Psychological comfort, on the other hand, does not. When you are psychologically comfortable, you aren’t really growing; you are maintaining the status quo. Psychological safety within my “Table of Five” gave me the space to swear, cry, and share the less polished version of myself, but it also pushed me to think and behave differently. If I only had psychological comfort at my table, nothing would change as a result.

We all need psychologically safe spaces right now to process the disruption around us. As you think about your “Table of Five,” also think about how you can nurture habits in yourself that would make you a valuable member of someone else’s table. For example, work on your ability to listen deeply to the feeling someone is experiencing—beyond the words they are saying. I love this quote by Amy Edmondson: “Questions are really powerful in creating safety – they indicate to someone that you actually want to hear their voice.” Get curious. Get into other people’s shoes to understand their situation more deeply. What does it feel like? What has prompted them to have these concerns or worries? In listening more deeply, we spark our own power.

While we can’t change the turbulence in the seas around us, we can build a lifeboat of trust and psychological safety that will give us the power and courage to follow our heart and get to the other side not only intact, but a more resilient and awakened person.

I’d love to hear from you. Who is serving on your “Table of Five” during these intensely uncertain days? What steps might you take to strengthen your inner circle?