Who are you in your family system?

I was 19 years old when my father passed away , elders came to me and said bluntly “now, you are the man of the house.” It was an overwhelming thing to process, cognitively I never quite understood what it meant. I did not know what/who a man was and I tried being the man in the house, I tried hard.

I thought it meant “work hard, not ask for help, not speak my heart, not bother anyone with my issues, take care of the finances, be the one who has solutions.”

I worked hard, worked every holiday while at university, did not go for internship because they were unpaid.

Years later when I got married and I was the MAN in the relationship. I was the one who took care of everything financially, physically, emotionally, energetically till it led to my burnout. I cried for him to be the MAN yet he could not have been otherwise because I was playing the perfect role, hence we were met in reciprocity, even though it was unhealthy.

Looking at the past through systemic lenses, it could not have been otherwise, we attract our parents in our relationships. Through our hidden loyalties to our family system, we will play the perfect role because we are in a place that requires of same. It took me years of support to be where I am, a community of people who prayed me back to myself.

This picture was taken on 22nd July 2012, I was readying to walk away from what has become an unsafe place in my life, closing a marriage. I was not smiling inside, the achingness and agony could not be explained.

Today as a Systemic Family Constellation Facilitator, I recognize the death that I was moving through as I started saying “NO” to being the “Man of the house” to becoming “Daughter of my parents”. Becoming me means returning to my rightful place of belonging as a daughter in my family system, it also means that I will pain as I leave what was known and familiar regardless how unhealthy it has become for me.

One of the most damaging thing we say to children is when we tell them to step into the place of elders and out of innocence and love, children will step into that role and thrive to own up to it yet it is death at slow pace. I received that gift of good intentions years back and I did my best to be something/someone that I could be live up to.

I know my story is an echo to many out there. If you are called to learn more, to support yourself, reach out, help is within reach.

Struggles in relationship are more than personality conflicts, there are hidden dynamics at play and when revealed, honored, held and recognised as part of the system and also in the present to be met with choice to live and ease, we then are able to experience life in it's fullness.

I wrote an initial post on this image in 2019, I am attaching the link below.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10156530779046033&set=pb.585866032.-2207520000&type=3

It humbles how growth ripples and it never stops even when we think we have stopped growing.

Love from heart to yours

#MeghaVenketasamy #EmpoweredLiving #Coach #CircleFacilitator #SystemicFamilyConstellations #TraumaInformed

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