Who you are being is all people are seeing.

When we think about the idea of showing up, of fitting in or standing out, we can be drawn to the superficial and the projected; we can think that this is all about identity when, in fact, it is about your presence.

Who are you being in this moment?

I like powerful questions, questions that stop you and make you go, ‘Huh, I never thought about that’. And that is one of them.

But what I find more interesting than the question itself is what comes up when you hear it for the first time. What other questions do you ask yourself, and what thoughts pop up in search of or to avoid answering this?

What a stupid question. Clearly, I am being me.

Why does this matter?

Who am I right now? What am I hiding?

What’s his angle here? What’s he’s seeing that I am not?

Should I know? What if everyone else does and I don’t?

Where is this going? What if I don’t like the answer?

I hope I don’t have to share my answer, as I haven’t figured out the smart thing to say, which could be embarrassing.

And you can probably add a few more to this list of your own right now.

When I ask this question in a keynote, I watch as people shift and shuffle in their seats, stare at the ceiling, and glance at the exit. Their actions are a direct result of what is happening as they wrestle with the question.

The point is to draw attention to things we are doing that others are seeing without us noticing. We don’t hear the backstory or the running commentary; we just see how someone shows up in that moment.

Why is there an aversion to sitting in the front row at a conference? Fear of being picked on. Why? As a kid at school, at some point, there was a time in class when the teacher called us out to answer a question. We fumbled and didn’t get the answer right; the class erupted in laughter, and we felt stupid.

We all have a version of this; mine goes like this. In a maths lesson, I did get the answer right, but in doing so, I made the school bully sitting next to me feel stupid, so he pushed me backwards off my chair. Now I felt stupid and afraid. As it turned out, I was better at maths than fighting, so I helped him with homework in exchange for ongoing protection.

When we walk into a large room, see the front row of seats, and sit comfortably five rows back, we show up as someone holding back, just in case. We are being shaped by the 12-year-old kid in a maths lesson lying on his back, deeply embarrassed.

What this leads us to are the three major influences that shape how we show up:

• Our Autopilot. Where our subconscious brain makes decisions to protect us in the moment, our autopilot is informed by past experiences and patterns, and this shapes our present behaviour without us really noticing. ?
• Our Stories: The underlying stories we replay that are attached to beliefs we hold and lead us to do and be a certain way in different situations. ?
• On Purpose: Being purposeful in determining what serves us and those around us based on our awareness of how we want to be in this moment.

What I find most fascinating is when I ask people to rank these based on which they think is most influential, it is nearly always the reverse of what is actually happening.

We think we are being very purposeful when, in fact, our autopilot and the stories we tell ourselves are dominating. In times of high stress, when we are tired or overwhelmed and potentially when we need to be the most in control, our autopilot is most likely to be in charge—that is until we know how to turn it off. ?

We’ll dive into how our subconscious dominates and the pitfalls of the autopilot next. Before looking at the stories we tell ourselves that might not serve us as well as we think before exploring how to become more purposeful.

If you'd like to learn more about the new 2024 Fitting in Standing Out Keynote, the workshops that support this content, and my next book, just say hello and let’s chat.

#showingup #fittingin #showup