The Who, What, Where and Why of CoraLyn

Hello to my friends, colleagues, and those I am yet to know.

As I said in my post on Friday, this will be the first episode of my origin story. All of the various episodes will be added together into one article that will gradually increase in size as the weeks go by.?

I hope that in reading it, you feel an emotional response and will leave me a comment.

Better still tell me how it made you feel.

Episode 1

First let me set the scene for you and I suggest you strap in for the first part at least.?I’m originally from Canada, and am of mixed heritage: black, white, and Kanien’keha:ka. Immigrating to the U.S. was one of the most horrible, wretched experiences of my life.?I don’t mean long waiting lists or feeling slightly excluded.?I dealt with sexual violence, racism (both systemmic and interpersonal), extreme poverty, family dysfunction etc that could be the?plot for a?tv movie.

We moved around so much prior to my graduation from university, that I rarely had the opportunity to have any deeply meaningful relationships with people outside of my family. By my 18th birthday, I’d already struggled with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide for some time.??

What kept me through it all was my relationship with my Creator.?I very much identified with the stories of oppression and struggle that collectively formed the Bible. It was me and my Creator against the world.?Through prayer, music, and study, I really focused on identifying what gifts the Creator had given me, and how to use them to bring about change.?

The process guided my daily decisions (including in my work and studies), and?I found it true that ordinary people could facilitate extraordinary change/recovery if they stayed united, faithful, hopeful, and strategic. Fueled by my personal experiences, I got involved in social activism, grassroots organising, community building, and facilitating leadership development workshops.?In university,?I studied Sociology and Anthropology,I needed to figure out how to strategically respond to what I perceived as humanity’s pain points.

Now, a?funny, and embarrassing, thing happened during my first semester: I accidentally became a member of a men’s bible study group.?One member introduced me to a faith-based international development group, and I started working closely with them. We provided coaching, training and equipment to communities that lacked access to safe water. It was connecting with people whose struggles I could relate to that opened the door for healing.?

Episode 2

They say you don’t know what you have ‘til it’s gone.

But since my break-up with you,

What they say might not be true.

Tarrus Riley, “Not Missing You”

Early in my work, I had roles in which I was treated like a nuisance and an emotionless robot.? People physically pushed me out of the way when I was just beginning to learn my job. Those with seniority spoke to me as though I was the dirt between their toes. I was sexually harassed by coworkers and customers, and there were no consequences when I reported it.? Lots of gossip, and changing roles and expectations without proper warning or communication.? Lots of sweeping the mistakes of higher ups under the rug, and hoping that no one would find out. I found I was constantly walking on pins and needles.

The first job I took within my career track was one in which I was the only person of colour on staff. Being actively told to abandon leadership skills that were rooted in my culture and heritage to adopt ones that made my employer, coworkers, and company partners more comfortable. Being referred to in belittling ways, such as being called “pumpkin” by the CEO, “passionate” (translation: naive and clueless), being referred to as “cute” or “precious.”? Never having my recommendations or suggestions taken seriously by leadership or my peers.? Being criticised for producing work that was at a higher quality than others, or being ‘reigned in’ and slowed down when I was producing great results. Being dismissed when bringing up opportunities to improve diversity, inclusion, and equity. Being accused of making mistakes that I had not made.? Being chastised publicly and without warning. Having men take over my project when dealing with sexist clients/partners, rather than backing me up and reaffirming my leadership and competence.?

It only got worse.? Future employers and boards would bring me on specifically to meet their diversity metrics, or to have me serve as a token black woman (which is problematic in itself, but doubly so, when you know that I am multi-ethnic). It was expected that I would to actively (yet discreetly) support decisions that were not in the best interest of (and sometimes detrimental to) people-of-colour, poor people, and religious minorities.

?I was expected to compromise on some of my core values…..

Episode 3

Every day I had to prove my worth to the leadership and demonstrate perfection.?Small mistakes led to being left out of major projects and opportunities. Moderate mistakes led to employment termination. Larger mistakes, and you were blacklisted in the local industry/community! Gossip was everywhere. Backstabbing was rampant. Intentional sabotage of people’s work was a real problem.?Conflict resolution included openly yelling and personally attacking people in the office (including during meetings where partners were present), or freezing you out if you didn’t engage socially the way that others did.?

It got so bad that I began to develop the symptoms of paranoia: I was worried that my phone calls were being listened to, and my emails were being read.? I would have business meetings far away from work, and would be looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching or listening. I no longer trusted anyone, both people in my office, and from partner organizations.? Every time someone approached my office, my whole body would go stiff and cold with dread.?

Prior to starting in my career I was well-adjusted, open, and confident and had been trained and equipped to do my job well. ? I loved pouring myself out each day, and found tremendous satisfaction in my work.?

By 2017, I had completely lost myself.? My self-esteem was shot.? I believed that I was worthless and had nothing of value to contribute.? I couldn’t trust people, and constantly worried that others were out to sabotage me. I silenced myself when I saw injustice, rather than speaking up as I would have before.? I would visibly shake with anxiety in meetings.? I withdrew from my faith community.? I had panic attacks that were physically painful. I stopped functioning.?

It all came to a head one day, and ended with me? taking a 3-month medical leave of absence.???

During that time, my doctor challenged me to figure out what good health meant to me, and what I needed in order to achieve it.? Using the same skills I applied in my strategic planning, I began to analyse and evaluate what went wrong and what I was going to actively do to build my resilience.? For me, this included surrounding myself with my culture.? It meant finding a new church that was openly committed to anti-racism.? It meant financially planning so that I would never have to put up with racism or sexism for a pay cheque ever again.?

Never again would I be forced to diminish myself for other’s comfort.

Never again would I take care of everyone except me.

Episode 4

My past is not unique.? Every day, all around the world, there are professionals who wake up and enter a professional environment that sucks the vibrancy and optimism from their lives, that asks them to put the job first and their loved-ones second, that tells them that employee abuse is deserved and normal, and asks them to compromise on what they believe is right in order to suite the interests of top decision-makers. Every day, there are professionals who compromise their health and wellness for a pay cheque, and have no idea how to break the cycle. The outcomes (to name just a few) are broken marriages and disrupted families, preventable medical conditions (including mental health conditions), financial crises, company turn-over, and dysfunctional leadership.?

While my past pain may not be unique, my present recovery and wellness is wholly my own. I’ve found ways to navigate adversity, build resilience, and stay true to myself.? I am owning the authority I have in my life, rather than turning it over to others. It makes me a healthier woman, a better spouse, a more effective parent, and a stronger and more optimistic leader.

Mental Wellness underlies every challenge we have, as individuals, as communities, as nations, and as the world. We cannot hope to solve problems and usher in hopeful futures if we are constantly battling our mental health just to function. We have to be able to show up at our best.? There are practical actions that we can all take to experience measurable improvement in our resilience and well-being.? It’s a life long journey, and a lot of people don’t know where to start.? I’ve found ways to start, and I’m sharing them with others.

While earning my Master’s degree, I came to realise that leaders don’t know anything about anything, and that we’re all just building our ships while sailing.? It made me realise that leadership is a social construct. I found this freeing.? If almost anything can be leadership, then everyone has the ability to exercise authority and influence in their own lives and in the lives of others.??

Light bulb moment: everything that exists now has a starting point.? Things that exist today have not always been.? Therefore, any change we wish to see in the future, either internally or collectively can also come into being when we prioritise it.

Episode 5

I didn’t really start paying attention to public figures who influenced me until after undergraduate school. All save one:

Hadassah, queen of Persia (around 480 b.c.) From her, I gained the mindset of “Are you afraid? Do it anyway.”?

Dave Roever - war veteran turned public speaker.? I learned that pain wasn’t something to resist or avoid.? It’s something to sit in, with other people.? I also learned that it’s okay to laugh in the midst of our pain points, and that self-deprecating humour can be healing for us and for others.

I’m very impacted by personal testimonies. ?

Mother Theresa shares that she heard God speak to her this one time, and then never audibly heard his voice again.? She based all of her life’s work on that one moment with God, even though she continually second-guessed herself and felt alone.

Martin Luther King Jr wrote about receiving bomb threats prior to one of his speeches.? He couldn’t sleep the night before, because he was so terrified for the safety of his family.? He ended up praying all night for God to give him peace and comfort, and to make everything okay, but he never had any peace or comfort.? He stayed terrified to the bone.? The next day, he gave his speech, and sure enough, his home was bombed.? He regretted nothing. I’ve had experiences like that a couple of times in my life, and I agree with Hadassah and MLK Jr.? - putting your life on the line for what is right,? is worth it.

I earned my Master’s Degree in Organisational Leadership, and refined my strategic thinking and coaching skills.?

Graham Cyster was one of our professors and my spiritual advisor.? He is originally from South Africa, and was once imprisoned alongside Nelson Mandela.?

?He once said “I’ve got stuff. You’ve got stuff. All God’s people got stuff.”? It was a conversation about humility, grace, forgiveness, maintaining perspective, giving yourself and others a break, etc.? He also shared a proverb about how the farmer doesn’t worry if some of the bulls are still grazing in the fields as the sun goes down.? They’ll all make it to the barn by the time the moon rises.? Just this idea that time isn’t running out on our goals and objectives, and all things will be accomplished by the time that they need to be accomplished.?

In my experience it is rarely the fall, the rock bottom, the rise.

Perhaps it was

• a slide,
• a moment of excitement,
• a loss,
• a self discovery,?
• a fall,
• dusting yourself off,
• the last straw,
• the rise ....??

There were, there are and always will be? a million things at play. My life was good until I was 8 years old.? After that, it was filled with violence, instability, poverty, dysfunction. In many ways, it still is.

THIS is why Resilient Leadership is such an important concept, idea, principle and one I have dedicated myself to propagating.

If you have found yourself nodding along to any part of my story; If you find that there is something here you would like to explore, or at the very least you are intrigued by,