WHO WE ARE? How we define ourselves? (Identity vs Roles)

?? Understanding ourselves is vital and the most important relationship we can ever have in life is the one we have with ourselves. When we do not have a good relationship with ourselves, we stand at risk of experiencing all sort of mental and emotional difficulties, as we progress throughout the rest of our lives.

?? There is no psychologist, therapist, mental health specialist or spiritual teacher that could ever be the expert of your life. Although they can advise you on what to do with your life, no one else can ever tell you WHO YOU ARE. Only you (and you alone) are the expert of yourself.

?Self-awareness is our capacity to stand apart from ourselves and examine our thinking, our motives, our history, our scripts, our actions, and our habits and tendencies.” – Stephen Covey

?? The most common self-image identifications people make, are related to their worldly possessions (they are poor or reach), the work they do, social/cultural standing and the level of acceptance they have historically received from others. 

?? Other factors such as academic education, physical characteristics, social and intimate relationships, family history, belief systems and other political, sexual, racial, religious collective identifications also come into play.

We must understand that none of these social, relational or preferential factors can equate to really defining of WHO WE ARE.

Let’s go deep into more details…

?? Sometimes we go through life, defining ourselves by WHAT WE DO (this is related to the roles that we assume in different areas of our life – I AM a doctor, I AM a mother, I AM a manager, etc). The danger in identifying with one role is that it can devastate you. Have you ever heard about “empty nest” syndrome?

On the other hand, sometime roles that we play may become different masks that we are using just to show up in life and to be perceived in a certain way by the others.

?? Sometimes we define ourselves by HOW WE FEEL – I AM sad, I AM stresses, I AM angry.

?? Sometimes we define ourselves in response to the outcomes that we had at some points in our past – I AM certified in leadership training, I AM certified accountant, I AM graduated in archeology, etc.

?? Furthermore, some people will devote an entire lifetime to enhancing their SKILLS / ABILITIES. Some people become perfectionist (there is nothing wrong having these high standards when it comes to the work that you do). But the main question here would be: “What's the core reason behind this?”

?? Another example…Today, for a lot of people, the number one priority in life is to get noticed, to be in trend and blowing people, defining themselves by PHYSICAL LOOK, like this being the main thing in the world. But again…seems to be a very small vision.

?? How about how KNOWLEDGEABLE we are? Many people define themselves and build their confidence based upon how knowledgeable they perceived themselves to be.

Comparing ourselves in terms of our skills, abilities, physical look or our knowledge is not certain a strong foundation in our life.

For all the above examples of defining the WHO I AM concept, I would address the below question:

For what purpose? What greater purpose does it ultimately serve? 

?? The kind of foundation that we can build and base our life is our CORE IDENTITY. When we become grounded in the truth of who we are in life, we become free to simply be ourselves.

?? When it comes to defining ourselves (WHO WE ARE) we have got to define ourselves in constant. When we define ourselves less than a constant, in that case we are building our life upon a very unstable ground.

?? Many people will go through life and defining themselves by what they do, by the roles they fulfil (in your family, in your career, in your relationships, etc). The problem comes when you no longer in one day will fill that role. We all may feel like we don’t know who we are – when we lose our jobs (see the pandemic effect!) when we lose our loved one, when you have to move in another city, country, and so on.

?? Some people define themselves by their beliefs, by what they believe or what they don’t believe. But we are able to change our beliefs, we are able to grow out of our limiting beliefs, so we cannot define ourselves by our beliefs.

?? Some people define themselves by what they like, or what they do not like, by wins or by failures, preferences, status or how they feel (I cannot do this because I AM STRESSED, I won’t do this because I AM AFRAID, etc).

So, people will have this tendency to severely limiting themselves in life not because they are limited, but just because they think and believe they are limited.

All the examples mentioned above is showing us like positioning in kind of boxes, it’s like we are locking ourselves into our behaviours, patterns, thoughts, opinions, emotions, feelings.

When you define yourself, let space and opportunity to grow and change, let space for making a choice. 

?? The core of who you are means not assigning labels onto ourselves and limiting ourselves. ?This is who I am, I cannot do anything more, that’s it!” The moment when we no longer consider not having a choice, we are stepping into a place of irresponsibility and disempowerment, we are putting ourselves into a victim’s heart.

We are choosing your lifestyle, choices, you are choosing to believe what to believe, you are choosing to act and conduct in the way you are doing. No one is making you to do anything. You are 100% responsible for how you show up, what you do and believe in life. You are free to be who you want to be today.

Btw…Have you ever heard about identity crisis? ??

This is happening when we do not create and have a proper sense of self, you did not identified your core identity.

?? Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson identified 8 stages to a human’s psycho-social growth, that all build on each other, each of which is offering us a positive outcome if we experience them properly, but leave us struggling in life later on, if we don’t. Identity crisis is occurring in the stage called “Identity vs Roles Confusion” level, when we learn to be true to ourselves. This is usually during adolescence period, but as mentioned before it may happen even later, in life, if the meaning and awareness of the difference are not accurately achieved.

?? Erikson’s term for the attainment of identity is the point at which a person understands who she or he is as a unique individual, in accord with past experiences and future plans. Core identity is more connected with your own values, is about your self-worth.

?? Your core identity should always be the captain of the ship guiding you on the course of life, letting you manifest as who you truly are. Identifying and defining your core identity it makes you gain a greater sense of inner-peace.

Few suggestions when defining WHO YOU ARE:

? Defining yourself in a positive way

? Let room for improvement and growth

? Define yourself through constants

? Raise your standards for becoming better

? Develop self-honesty, honesty will bring you clarity

? Admit we all are imperfect

? Be focused to improve yourself day by day

? Be aware that core identity is the essence of you

QUESTION:

???What other suggestions would you have when defining WHO YOU ARE?

?? The core of who we are is about the journey of our self-discovery journey, which is a life process. In conclusion, your true identity is not about what you have achieved on the outside, but the values that lay inside of you.

At first look, the core identity seems to be the sum of all our roles we play in life, but I would say that is more about what remains after or in case the roles are stopped, are no more practiced, fulfilled. So, do not confuse your core identity with your roles.

In the self-discovery journey, trying to understand yourself, identify your core values, define who you truly are and want to become, make your core identity be the foundation for your progress in life.

Then, you will be able to create a vision for your future… (this will be a next topic that will be presented in a next material…)

"Grow with discipline. Balance intuition with rigor. Innovate around the core. Don't embrace the status quo. Find new ways to see. Never expect a silver bullet. Get your hands dirty. Listen with empathy and over-communicate with transparency. Tell your story, refusing to let others define you. Use authentic experiences to inspire. Stick to your values, they are your foundation. Make the tough choices; it's how you execute that counts. Be decisive in times of crisis. Be nimble. Find truth in trials and lessons in mistakes. Be responsible for what you see, hear, and do. Believe." — Howard Schultz

Enjoy your self-discovery journey!

PS: BECOME BETTER! ??

Photo: my own and internet

Source of ideas in the photo and material: achology.com