Who are we being in our coaching – and how do we know?

You can have all the tools, techniques, and skills as a coach, but if you can’t build a meaningful relationship with your client, they count for nothing. Relational mindfulness is a way of supporting us to create this kind of relationship, by bringing mindful awareness right into the moment of interaction.

Why do I use this provocation to introduce relational mindfulness (RM)? I am not seeking to denigrate tools, techniques and skills, nor am I denying the importance of models to guide the coaching process. I agree that a strong skills base and cognitive framework are important. What I am pointing to is that if we get caught in the models and in the ‘doing’ of coaching skills, tools and techniques, we risk overlooking one of the most important aspects of what we offer our clients: who we are being in the coaching relationship.

When I use the term ‘being’ here, I am talking about what we embody in the way we show up in the coaching relationship. This includes our presence and capacity to be present with our clients, our awareness of and attention to ourselves and our client, and the attitudes and intentions that underpin our coaching. There is an increasing number of terms used to refer to this embodied aspect of our coaching, for example, coaching presence, embodied coaching, somatic coaching, self as instrument.

The reason I am particularly drawn to RM is that, in my experience and that of other coaches who practice it, RM offers a way to become aware of and make choices about this foundational ‘being’ element of our coaching. To clarify what I mean by RM, in our forthcoming book about RM for coaches (to be published by Routledge), my co-author Liz Hall and I define RM as:

‘…paying attention on purpose, non-judgementally (or dispassionately) in the present moment, whilst speaking, listening or otherwise interacting with others; it is about awareness of self, the other(s) and the relationship.’

(Those who are familiar with the world of mindfulness will recognise this as an adaptation of the classic Jon Kabat-Zinn definition of mindfulness.)

When people learn that I offer professional development for coaches based on RM, they often assume that I am providing a new model of coaching or teaching coaches to offer mindfulness in coaching sessions. In actual fact, what I am offering is an opportunity for coaches to explore and develop their way of being in their relationship with their clients.

The research from psychotherapy and psychology has long shown that the relationship between therapist and client is fundamental to therapeutic effectiveness and research on coaching is coming to the same conclusion (De Haan and Gannon, 2017). This means that being aware and choosing how we show up in our coaching relationships may be just as important as, if not more important than the coaching approach we espouse. The great thing about RM is that it addresses both the awareness/choice/embodiment element and the relational element of our coaching.

Like individual mindfulness, RM is something we can develop through practice. One of the key practices I offer is mindful dialogue, in which we bring our full attention to ourselves and our dialogue partner whilst speaking and listening. It is a meditative, contemplative practice supported by guidelines designed to increase our awareness and receptivity in relationship. Repeated practice of mindful dialogue not only enhances our capacity to give high-quality attention and listening, but also helps us bring a more compassionate and non-judgemental attitude to our coaching. The coaches we interviewed for the book confirmed what I have experienced myself: through regular practice of bringing a receptive, kindly, allowing awareness to ourselves and another person, a natural opening of the heart and a capacity for mutual care and understanding arise. These qualities flow from our mindful dialogue practice into our coaching relationships (and, of course, ripple out into our other relationships too).

An added benefit of mindful dialogue is the insight that it generates. Our interviewees’ and our own observations suggest that mindful dialogue leads to an understanding of our own habits, a sense of our shared humanity, and an openness to other perspectives. We engage in meditative exploration of a contemplation topic with a dialogue partner, who is a fellow human being and will therefore share many commonalities and also different views on life. This mindful enquiry can enable us to feel more connected to a wider interrelated world, help us be with our own and others’ struggles, and give us an understanding of new viewpoints and mindsets. It can enable us to be less attached to our thoughts and recognise that our own perspective is just one of many. As a result of these shifts, we are better able to see our clients’ habits and support insight for them.

Importantly, our clients will pick up all of this at a visceral level. We know from neuroscience that much of what we communicate to one another happens at a non-verbal level. Our neurons – indeed whole areas of our brains – resonate and mirror one another. The tone of our vagal nerves determine whether we establish positive connections with each other and can generate a sense of psychological safety. Our oxytocin levels affect whether we trust one another. (See Fredrickson, 2014, for more detail.) Clients can literally feel these effects, in a chemistry session and in the coaching itself, so our embodiment will help determine whether we are chosen as a coach and how effective the coaching turns out to be.

In summary, who we are being in our coaching matters and RM is a way of knowing and choosing who to be.

I would welcome comments and questions at [email protected].

Emma Donaldson-Feilder aims to support the development of kinder, wiser workplaces, with more relational leadership and people management. Her varied professional portfolio includes teaching Relational Mindfulness, coaching senior managers and executives, individual and group supervision for coaches, research, writing, speaking, and public policy. She is a Registered Occupational Psychologist, Chartered Coaching Psychologist, Accredited Executive Coach, Certified Coach Supervisor and Relational Mindfulness Teacher. She has conducted research exploring the use of mindfulness and Relational Mindfulness in leadership development. Much of Emma’s current work uses Relational Mindfulness to help coaches, leaders and psychologists enhance their capacity for presence, awareness, kindness, humanity and wisdom. She is particularly interested in compassionate leadership, the link between leadership/people management and employee health and wellbeing, and the role of coaching and coach supervision in supporting positive change in these fields. For more information, including Emma’s award-winning articles about Relational Mindfulness, see https://affinitycands.com.

References:

• ·?????? De Haan, E., & Gannon, J. (2017). The coaching relationship. In T. Bachkirova, G. Spence, & D. Drake (Eds.),?The SAGE handbook of coaching?(pp. 195–217). Sage Publications, Inc.
• Fredrickson, B. (2013). Love 2.0. ?New York: Hudson Street Press.