Who is a Step Parent? The Different Faces of Parenthood

This month and next, many North Americans will be celebrating Mother’s and Father’s Day, so it felt like the right time to open up on the emotional rollercoaster ride that is becoming a step mother. ??

Becoming a step parent is a journey that many of us will embark on. It’s becoming more and more common, yet so many people don’t talk about it. And, to a certain extent, I haven’t wanted to talk about it either. Publicly at least.

But, over the years, I have talked about my journey in individual conversations, shared anecdotes and given advice privately to friends. And I’ve come to realize how helpful that honesty is to others. Every time we open up authentically, we have the chance to positively impact someone else’s life, someone that might have really been struggling.

So that’s what I’m doing in today’s Monthly Hustle. I’m taking a risk, putting it out there – and I really want to hear from you too. I want to hear how you navigated your own unique journey, your tips and advice. Because parents, step or otherwise, never stop learning.

So, here’s my journey ...

At first, I didn’t force my presence. I skipped soccer games, so the kids could focus; I missed hockey games, so as not to create any unnecessary awkwardness. I just wanted the focus to be on the kids, on their happiness and comfort.

But you know what they say about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

After a long time of being hyper-focused on the kids – through guilt, self-consciousness or whatever crazy mix of emotions I was feeling – it started to take its toll. I’d made myself invisible, and I was feeling the consequences of that.

I felt really left out. But I was conflicted – was I allowed to have these emotions? It wasn’t the kids’ fault, it wasn’t my partner’s fault… but that didn’t change the fact that I was feeling sad and isolated.

I went to therapy so I could let out all my feelings, and realized how important it is for step parents to have a completely separate and unbiased party to vent to! It brought perspective, and helped me to see things for what they really were, not what anxiety and fear was trying to make me think they were.

It helped me to realize that I was doing the right thing by taking the gentle approach but, equally, that I had a right to be a part of their lives – we were family.

So eventually, I showed up to events to support the kids. I gritted my teeth through endless episodes of Jersey Shore, so we could bond and find common ground. I tried to maintain a balance between being there for them, but also giving them distance and space; and resisted the urge to ask too many questions.

Some days were hard. Some days were so hard, I didn’t think I’d be able to find a way through. My husband and I nearly didn’t get married at all.

But thank goodness we did.

We were intentional about choosing each other every day, even when things were tough. And, like so many tough situations, they’re not forever. One day, you’ll come out the other side and be all the stronger for it.

It’s true that time heals, and builds bonds that grow stronger and stronger. ??

Today, I have a great relationship with my step kids. I was told I’d never hear the three magic words that every parent longs to hear. “I love you.” But now I hear it all the time! And so do they. I love my bonus kids, and our little family, more than anything.

Becoming a step parent has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But also one of the most rewarding.

So, if you find yourself embarking on a step parent journey yourself, or perhaps you’re in the depths of the tough times like I was a few years ago, and you’re finding it difficult, stay strong.

Focus on the kids

I know it’s hard for you, but it’s even harder for them. Their world has changed forever. Think about what they’ve experienced as children of divorce, how they’re feeling, why they might be resistant to a new parent coming onto the scene, and what they might need from you.

Be patient

I can’t stress this enough. Unfortunately, this won’t be a quick journey, and you won’t be anyone’s best friend overnight. You need to show patience with time, patience with other people’s feelings, and patience with yourself. You’ll get there.

Don’t make it awkward!

Establishing trust takes time, so avoid asking too many questions or trying to force yourself into spaces they’re not ready to let you into. ?

Pick your battles

Some days you just won’t be able to win, no matter what you do. And that’s OK. Children need to be able to process their emotions in their own way, in their own time. Sometimes you’ll have to bite your tongue in order to keep the peace, and you’ll have to make some sacrifices.

Make the effort

As tough as it is for you, you’re still the adult – so the emphasis is on you to make the effort. Find common ground, whether that’s music, movies or sport, and use that as a way to connect and open up conversations.

Don’t neglect your own needs

Yes, I’ve talked about self-sacrifice, focusing on the kids, and showing (endless?!) patience. And they are key. But you have feelings too, and if you want your relationship to survive the journey of blending families, you need to stop resentment and loneliness creeping in. Take time for yourself, go to therapy, vent to your friends. And you’ll be a better step parent. ??

As many of us try our best to create more inclusive and empathetic communities, it felt really important for me to share this story with you today. Not every parent looks the same, not every family looks the same. But we’re just as valid.

So Happy Mother’s and Father’s Day to those that celebrate, and a shout out to all those parents and step parents doing their best every single day. I see you. And you’ve got this.

If you are comfortable, please share your stories with me, so we can create a safe space for us all to learn, grow and know we’re not alone.

Sarah ?