Who knew it was Cruel Optimism

With face-to-face training back in my calendar, I'm undertaking some lengthy journeys again, so I've added to my podcast and Audible list. I much prefer this to listening to the radio and at least I spare myself from my dreadful singalongs. LOL!

Over the last few days, I've been listening to Johann Hari's book Stolen Focus and OMG - I've had so many ah-ha moments that I already know I'll go back and listen again when I can pause the book and make my notes.

I'm a very kinaesthetic learner so writing things helps to embed them in my memory.

It's at times like these that I wish I had the ability to easily store in long-term memory and recall what I've heard. But I guess I'm not so different from the 'average Joe' as research shows that we forget about 50% of new information within an hour. That's the limitation of short-term memory for you.

And, my clever brain knows that like pretty much everyone else on the planet, I'm swamped by around 74 gigabytes of information daily and that includes the (give or take) 70 thousand thoughts that I have a day.

So I'm grateful that my brain is selective about what is stored for recall.

Anyway, back to one of my OMG moments.

I know that Hari's book has its critics, but then, what doesn’t. Thankfully that didn't prevent me from hearing a different perspective about a perpetual problem we introverts face.

And I now know it to be from a place of Cruel Optimism.

This is not a phrase I'd come across before, but as soon as Hari started sharing his examples I immediately knew this was a relevant concept, and one that I'd be including in my work.

Now for accuracy, the concept was the brainchild of Lauren Berlant and the title of her 2011 book. In this she explores the paradox that the very things that people believe will improve their lives are often the same things that obstruct them from achieving true fulfilment. She also says that it describes the state of being when something we desire is actually an obstacle to our flourishing.

So it's something we often do to ourselves and when we take on wholesale advice or feedback about what will make us more successful, without realising that ultimately, it's the thing that breaks us.

Sound familiar?

Let me illustrate this with my personal example.

"Jo, now you're part of our global delivery team, we need you to be more vivacious, more entertaining when you deliver training. No-one will remember the important lessons if you don't make them fun and deliver them with energy."

Cue a bit of shame and an increase in my extravert behaviours when in front of clients, because as a lifelong learner, I'm always looking for how I can improve. And, after some short-term success that felt so disingenuous and icky, we know where that eventually led; burnout.

So I believe this was a case of cruel optimism, and on reflection, it's not the first instance I realise.

I spent 19 years working with a major telecomms company initially and very unusually in engineering before moving into an L&D role. During that time I lost count of the number of? engineering technicians who were 'promised' promotion to manager if they just got 'a few more tickets'. Let me translate that for people - it meant they should go back and get a few more qualifications.

This was without a doubt cruel optimism as the qualifications they were pushed to sign up for were technical courses which were neither necessary nor helpful for the potential move to a manager role.

What was particularly shameful in my opinion, was that the manager in this instance wasn't honest enough to tell this technician that they were not yet ready or showing sufficient potential to be a manager. And whilst that's a difficult conversation to have, it comes with the territory of taking a manager's salary. In fact, this was classic fobbing off technique that I saw being used far too often by frankly, spineless managers

Just writing that reminds me of another of my own examples that I've battled with, and I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with coaches, mentors and friends about it.

You know I am a lifelong learner and there is always something else that I want to study as in, not just learn about but qualify in. The consistent message from those three groups of people just mentioned is "Jo, you don't need any more qualifications" at which point I know I need to stop justifying my initial position because they're right.

So why do I desire more qualifications?

Because I think it will make me more credible.

What might my potential displacement activity be preventing?

It's delaying getting my message out there as widely as it needs to be to have the impact and make a real difference.

Rather than sitting in a lecture theatre, I need to be out there rattling more cages and starting a movement against the extraversion bias.

Guess which is more comfortable for me though?

You guessed right! It's so much easier to dive into learning that 'go public'.

Unsurprisingly, there's a rather nasty after effect of cruel optimism, whether self-applied or advised by someone else. As I just declared, it can distract people from the real problem so they end up 'busy' but not tackling the root causes of their struggles. Just like I described in my last example.

What often follows is a bit of metaphorical self-flagellation where we give ourselves a hard time, maybe get into overthinking mode and then get stuck in a cycle of self-blame, especially if we spent time or money on the supposed 'solution'.?

I wonder what ah-ha moments and examples are occurring for you right now?

Feel free to drop them in to comments or in an email to me.

Certainly, there is a cautionary tale or two for managers in this.?

• Don't introduce sticking plaster solutions for systemic problems. If your people are overloaded to the point of collapse, providing a subscription to a meditation app is not the answer. The problem is systemic and therefore so is the solution.?
• Don't avoid those difficult conversations. It's not honest, kind or helpful. Have frank conversations with your people so you can co-create the right solutions that will help them progress and genuinely flourish.?
• Don't make promises that in your heart of hearts you know won't make a difference just because it 'keeps people happy'. It destroys trust, wrecks engagement, and breaks the psychological contract.

So the only real antidote to this is Authentic Optimism.

This is sometimes referred to as realistic optimism because it's what enables us to confidently avoid or overcome challenges with determination and intentionality.

I never promise something I can't deliver.

I'm not interested in providing development solutions and programmes that overpromise and underdeliver, and believe me, I've been caught out by a few of them.

Many are cleverly even craftily worded but are mere distractions that we often retrospectively recognise as 'shiny objects'.

I'm not here for magpies.

I'm here for you if you're an introvert serious about advancing your career or taking some other big step in life. Together we craft the realistic journey to your desired outcome that supports and enables your personal growth.

No cookie cutters, no quick fixes, and no bs.

We embody authentic optimism by focusing on what you can influence as you work at your learning edge. As Mel Selig wrote, authentic optimism " is not necessarily seeing the glass as half full; rather, it is the confidence that you can take the glass to the sink and fill it yourself.”

Ready to take your glass to the sink?