Who Gets Custody of the Friends in a Divorce?

Revamping a social life is one of the biggest changes couples face during and after divorce, and there is no “one-size-fits-all” framework to follow. Comparatively, when it comes to raising children, parents can follow a post-divorce custody and parenting plan. There are even laws and precedents around pet custody (which in New York, is now a “best interests of the pet” standard - the same standard used when determining custody of children). Not so for friendships. Ex-spouses and their friends are often faced with awkward decisions on where their loyalties lie, how much or how little to stay involved, and so on. 

Couples who were married only a short time will generally find it easier to divvy up friendships and resume the social routines they had prior to marriage. The longer a couple is together, the more enmeshed their social lives become. And adult friendships created in the context of raising children face even more social complexities. 

Couples can do themselves a favor by talking through social arrangements as part of the divorce journey. The more a couple can discuss this issue amongst themselves privately, the better. As a boutique firm, we will facilitate this conversation for our clients, but not all attorneys are cut from the same cloth. Some do not want to get embroiled in “non-legal” issues, and we understand why. The truth is that the courts will not entertain these topics unless there’s a safety issue, so it really is up to the spouse and their counsel to discuss the matter voluntarily. 

Often, there are other professionals involved with the couple as they navigate the separation and divorce process, such as parenting coordinators, family therapists, and divorce coaches. These professionals can provide guidance, and are equipped to help manage particularly thorny social dynamics. 

Whether a couple is seeking the help of a professional or assessing friendships privately, this framework can help organize a discussion: 

“Pre-marital friends” - This is easy enough. Friends that people had prior to marriage stay part of their circle. It can help ease people’s minds to know that they have a solid group of people in their corner, regardless of their relationship status. 

“Post-marital friends” - It can become a bit more complicated when couples become friends with other couples or individuals during marriage, and their relationship is predicated upon couplehood. In the past, alliances formed around gender lines, but that’s no longer the common case. If couples are divorcing amicably, they can work out a list of “split or share” friendships, and talk about the relationships that are meaningful to them. It’s important that couples avoid putting friends in the middle, or using them as pawns against each other. 

Friends associated with children - Couples with children often socialize with other adults in their kids’ lives, especially parents of their children’s friends. In this case, it’s critical that each parent puts their personal interests aside and ensure that their childrens’ friendships are unaffected. Maintaining friendships with the childrens’ parents is a secondary concern. 

Friends associated with marital assets - Hypothetically, let’s say a married woman celebrates the 4th of July every year at her neighborhood block party, she’s active in the Home Owner’s Association, and she and her husband take an annual couples trip with other neighbors. Yet in the divorce arrangements, her husband gets the house. In this case, leaving the house means she also loses the social network associated with their home. The couple can talk through a happy medium related to the neighborhood, such as maintaining the 4th of July tradition, letting go of the HOA, and taking turns going on the annual trip.

These examples are just that - examples. Ultimately, every divorce is different, and it’s up to the couple and the people in their lives to remap their social paths. Divorce represents an end, but it also represents new beginnings. Divorcing couples can take heart that the strongest friendships remain steadfast, and new friendships await. 

At Artese Zandri, we help people through the legalities of divorce, and empathize with the non-legal aspects of a split. If you or someone you know is considering divorce, reach out to us at  [email protected] for a complimentary consultation.