Who do you Trust?

Trust is the foundation for successful relationships

Over the last few months I have noticed how much relationships are built on a foundation of trust. Often, in my role I speak with people who will want to talk through something challenging and it will always result in ‘please don’t share this with anyone else’. People find it difficult to trust people, to be vulnerable, to be honest, to show challenge. Think back to a time when you haven’t been able to work with someone effectively or they push your buttons. Often what’s underlying is that you don’t trust them. Why is it important to build trust?

With politics and Brexit taking up much of the news, we are finding it difficult to know who to trust or what we should believe. Much like at work, more than ever with the rapid development of change and as we are challenged to take on new roles and responsibilities and deal with more uncertainty, the underpinning role of trust has never been more fundamental and important.

Are we finding it harder to trust?

But I’m seeing trust eroding everywhere and I’m wondering why this is? Is it the result of more complexity and feeling like we lack control? Is it because we have more information than ever before and we can’t see the clarity?

Perhaps it is because we have too much choice and information? Likewise, how are we acting as people in this modern world? Are we being honest with each other? Is trust still a foundation to building relationships and making good decisions?

What is trust?

I think trust is the foundation for good relationships and enables us to work better and more honestly together. How would I define trust? It isn’t about liking someone, it is knowing a person will do what’s right for us as a person with the best intentions. Trust has no ego, no underlying intentions, its honest and realistic. It is trusting that someone will do what’s right for the individual and/or the company and not put their own agenda in front of that.

Over the last year I have noticed that as a result of making some change trust has wavered for people and it has fundamentally impacted on communication, empathy and connection. In relationships, what makes people break the foundation of trust? The result can be lies, deception and covering up. I’ve seen it negatively influence other people to ways of thinking that aren’t completely true.

Trust is built not implicitly created

When we start a new job, build friendships or work in new teams, we’re putting ourselves in a vulnerable position where we need to start with a level of trust. Some people are generous with this level, while others wait for people to prove their worthiness to gain their trust. If we are a leader or a manager who needs to make tough or challenging decisions, it is so important that we build the connection with others first. Then when we do challenge ideas or thoughts, people under-stand the reason and our intention. There is a base level of trust established. Otherwise we can be viewed that we don’t understand our people or our audience and instead can be seen to be making judgements and not respecting expertise.

Why we trust each other more than our managers

I have seen many leaders and managers who don’t think it is appropriate to share with their team or the people they work with anything that might result in them being perceived to be challenged, struggling with something or needing support or help. In these situations, often they have a distant relationship with their team and peers. This is because the relationships they build are surface based. When we cannot understand what drives a person it can be difficult to connect with them.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to share everything about themselves, but to build trust we have to show a level of honesty and opinion. People respect people who can be real, and this applies to leaders and managers too. If I don’t understand your values, if I can’t see what drives you, if I don’t feel connected to your vision or goals, how will I buy in to your vision and expectations for the future?

The eternal optimists

For those managers who still operate in a command and control way; the trust isn’t there. The people who hide their thoughts and emotions, means that we never see what pushes their buttons or what they are passionate about or what they find challenging. They never seem to struggle and they always seem happy, everything brushes off them. Does that seem realistic? Honest? Everyone has challenges. If we are always hiding our opinions, always seeming to manage everything with no real challenge, showing no emotion or real fight for anything then it can make it difficult for others to understand or connect with us. We often find it hard to trust, and we need connection to build it, so it’s important that we remain honest and real when we build relationships and work with others. This doesn’t mean we have to tell people everything about our personal thoughts and lives, but it does require us to be able to put ourselves out there when we have an opinion or want to challenge on an issue to get a better result.

Role model trust building behaviours

Likewise, organisations who are driving through change, should make sure that it is role modelled throughout the organisation. This could relate to language, behaviours, habits, processes, communication, and assertiveness style. Organisations are all trying to sell a purpose, to give people a reason to connect and work with them or to buy their products or services. But the reality is if the leaders, managers and people don’t behave in the way they portray, and if they don’t make business choices that align with the purpose, trust can be low. We become sceptical as potential clients or employees, and disengaged or disbelieving employees create performance challenges.

Why is trust important?

When we trust someone, we are fully open to collaborate, listen, take on board feedback and challenge and be able to challenge back. When we find ourselves in a situation where we are being given feedback or challenged and we don’t trust someone immediately our barriers can go up, we feel vulnerable and we might then find ourselves reacting in a way which isn’t helpful to us or the person we are with. Maybe we feel our body tense, our mind race, our pulse quickens. We might drive the fight or flight response and become angry or want to get the meeting over with so quickly that we don’t have to listen any more. In that moment we have lost our ability for rationality and collaboration. We cannot hear what’s been said and the person saying it thinks they are giving us a message when the truth is, we don’t have the capacity to take it in or respond appropriately,

Trust is what connects us to others

Trust is what glues together teams and enables people to work together effectively. I have a group of peers who I go to when I am faced with challenges that I need to brain storm. In tough times they have lifted my spirits, listened without judgement, driven realism, been my ultimate cheerleader, make me laugh, and provided advice when I’ve asked for it. They’ve not asked for anything in return, but actually what has happened is our bonds have deepened, and they have shared their own challenges with me. We have supported each other. We have grown and learnt, and we have shown bravery and fear. With continual support for each other the bond has grown, we have built trust and a deeper relationship has formed.

Trust is a vulnerable and courageous process

In a time when more and more people are feeling lonely, I wonder if this is partly because we hide behind social media and our front doors, and fear sharing our real worlds for fear of judgement or what others might say. We have to be perfect, don’t we? With perfect lives and careers, successful in all parts of our lives. In my experience we have to put ourselves in a vulnerable place once in a while, to be able to connect with others. We build greater collaborations and relationships that become our support and drive when we need it. When we are trusted we feel more able to trust. Trust can breed trust. In return as we support others there is an element of satisfaction and joy to be able to support and help someone when they most need it.

That sense of belonging and understanding can make the difference to a day that is challenging, and where you feel powerful and have the strength to power through and over the obstacles. Or whether you retreat and let it impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Being brave and speaking up

It can help at work too. How open and honest are you in meetings or with your colleagues? If you don’t agree with something or you think that something isn’t going to plan are you confident to speak up? What about if you present or are creating a project, do you often ask for input first? I find it really useful asking colleagues’ advice on projects I am working on. I know that if I ask their opinion, they will give me their honest input. I sometimes find the feedback challenging, but by asking for it I am putting my trust in them to give me honest and considered feedback. Consequently they are then more open to the ideas and plans I put in place. Collaboration and honesty can drive trust and the ability to drive things forwards.

When feedback goes wrong

Recently I was sat in a meeting and a colleague gave some feedback to the group. The words and the style in which they were delivered did not sit well with me. Immediately I felt my body physically respond, with an overwhelming rush of energy as my body went into to fight or flight mode. My pulse quickened and the frustration rose! At this point I couldn’t reflect on what my colleague had said, only the way they had said it. If we want to build trust, we need to think carefully about the way we build relationships and then how we deliver feedback with language and tone. The ability to flex our style and understand our audience is crucial. With the wrong approach it can be easy to alienate your audience and they don’t hear a thing.

I recognised that while this person might not have meant to frustrate me in the way that they did, there was clearly a need to understand them better. We met the next day and discussed what had happened. During that meeting we talked about trust and the foundations of trust.

The trust equation

My favourite trust equation is by David Maister, Charles Green and Robert Galford in their book ‘The Trusted Advisor’. The equation looks like this:

Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy / Self-Orientation = Trustworthiness

Trust has multiple dimensions but, in this model;

Credibility relates to words, ‘I can trust what she says about…’ and also includes presence; how we look, act, react and talk about our content.

Reliability relates to actions; ‘I can trust him to…’. It’s about whether people think you are dependable and can be trusted to behave in consistent ways.

Intimacy refers to emotions, ‘I feel comfortable discussing this…’. We trust people who we are able to talk to about difficult agendas and those who demonstrate that they care.

Self-orientation relates to motives, ‘I can trust that he cares about…’. We trust people whose agenda isn’t focused on themselves and who can be of service to us in some way.

I realised that my colleagues’ style of delivery made me question their self-orientation. I was thinking; what really was their agenda? We discussed the reasons behind the challenge and also our styles of delivery to understand further how we choose to work. There was no judgement, no defensiveness, and we came to a greater understanding and left with a new level of trust.

Where do you need to build trust?

If you are struggling to work with some people in your organisation, or even suppliers or customers, take a look at the trust equation with them in mind. What would you score them out of ten for integrity, clarity, authenticity and self-orientation? If there are some lower scores there, then it might mean you need to clarify or understand them better in these areas. Perhaps also you should consider your own agenda and motivations. What stories might you be telling yourself that cause you to see another person in this way? What evidence do you have? How might you adapt or do things differently to improve trust between you? Remember though that to do this requires you to be a little vulnerable, maybe even to have the open conversation. If it is done with good intent in an adult transactional style, you should find that you leave with a greater strength to work together going forwards as my colleague and I did.

Vulnerability builds trust

Still not convinced you need to be vulnerable and build trust in this way? Brene Brown’s researchers spoke with thousands of leaders and asked them; ‘what do your team do that earns your trust?’ (See Dare to Lead). The most common answer was ‘asking for help’. People who never ask for help, or show little vulnerability in asking for feedback meant that leaders wouldn’t delegate important work to them. The leaders did not trust that the individual would raise their hands and ask for help when needed.

Self-trust is the foundation for everything else

If we cannot fully trust ourselves, how can we expect others to? During the times when we might struggle, perhaps a project isn’t going as we planned, we make a decision that isn’t popular, or we have a tense discussion with a colleague and disagree, we might question our own judgement, blame ourselves and question our ability to be trustworthy. We have to hold ourselves accountable for what we can control, how we can move forwards, and the actions we can take in small steps to re-build trust.

Trust is a constant work in progress

We can build and lose trust in moment. What takes time to build can also be dented so quickly. Isn’t it interesting how we will usually believe we are fully trustworthy but others may not see us in the same way? To build trust we have to keep our own agenda and wants and needs in check. It requires being understood and having some capacity to act upon that understanding. It’s doing something for another without being asked, showing understanding, supporting or helping others with no expectation of anything in return. We have to go first, and as we make these small acts of support or kindness we will find that the other person will return that to us. If we believe we are trustworthy and we want others to believe it to, we have to show it in our actions. We live by our examples and values.

Listen to build trust

Is there anything worse than talking to a person and finding they aren’t really listening? You know those times when there is a real problem you are trying to work through. You’re sat with one or two people trying to thrash it out, but as you speak you can see that the other person isn’t really listening. Perhaps they get distracted by a notification on their phone, maybe they are fiddling with their pen, or are nodding feverishly because you just know that they are waiting to speak. In these moments we just don’t feel listened to. We want believe that the person has the capacity to help us with the problem in a fair way, but in this moment, when we are not being listened to, we think they have an agenda or just don’t understand our point of view. We aren’t connected and we might get frustrated or defeatist. We might even stop talking to them about the problem and take it away, only for it to be difficult to solve because we actually need this person’s buy in and support.

To build effective trust we need to listen in three ways

Reflective

Reflecting back to the speaker what we have heard, so they know what we have said is well understood.

Supportive

Demonstrating empathy, so we can show we understand why a person feels a certain way about something.

Listening for possibility

We can share insight and make suggestions for a path or solution that may help resolve a dilemma.

Ego is a mask

Can you admit when you are wrong or if you don’t know something? We don’t have all the answers and are not the expert at everything. Where are your strengths and where can you have a point of view? Often those people who have a point of view about everything and think they have knowledge in all areas will quickly reduce the trust of those around them, if they don’t collaborate, listen, learn from others and then contribute. Showing humility isn’t a weakness, it makes you more human. Ego strength means that we don’t need our ego stroked all of the time. Recognising strength and where others are stronger than us doesn’t diminish our respect or strength. It drives connection and trust in others, we ask for advice or help on a matter, they feel trusted and respond. Mutual understanding grows and trust is built.

The neuroscience behind building trust

When we trust another person, it increases Oxytocin in the brain, this chemical reduces fear and builds empathy. When we trust people, they become part of our ‘tribe’ and we feel protected and part of something. Trust leads to improved relationships and better more collaborative team work. So trust is important to driving performance and results, not only personally but in our work too. While there’s often not enough hours in the day, we can often find little time to check in with people or spend time connecting, but small things can help to do this to build trust. They are really obvious too but so many people don’t make time to do it! Small things like showing concern for others, being truthful about what’s on our mind, stimulating curiosity with ideas, and painting a picture of mutual success can help people to become more connected.

Blockers of Oxytocin and trust

High stress is a potent oxytocin inhibitor. When we are stressed, we don’t work well with others. However moderate stress promotes the release of oxytocin as we are social creatures who evolved working together. Oestrogen releases more oxytocin (so women find it easier to trust) and testosterone is an inhibitor (more commonly found in men).

Building a culture of trust in organisations

Building a culture of trust in our organisations can make a meaningful difference. Paul J Zak and his team spent over ten years researching the neuroscience behind why people trust each other and the impact of oxytocin levels. (See his full article in HBR). They found through a number of experiments that the amount of oxytocin produced predicted both how much people trusted others, how trustworthy they were, and at a higher level it increases empathy and could reduce the fear of trusting a stranger. Building trust in organisations results in employees who are more productive, have more energy to work, collaborate better with their colleagues and stay with their employers longer than people working at low trust companies. They’re also less stressed.

How to manage for trust

Zak and his team identified eight management behaviours that foster trust. These behaviours are measurable and can be managed to improve performance. The overall message is that you create trust by setting a clear direction, giving people what they need to see it through, and then let them get on with it. It’s about making people accountable and then letting them deliver. His eight behaviours reinforce what you’ll have read so far in this blog: here’s the eight management behaviours:

Recognise excellence

The neuroscience shows that recognition has the largest effect on trust when it occurs immediately after a goal has been met, when it comes from peers, and when it’s tangible, unexpected, personal, and public.

Encourage 360 feedback, individual achievement recognition across the company, and feedback in team and regular 121’s to encourage recognition.

Induce “challenge stress”

Zak found ‘A challenging goal which is attainable and has a concrete end point can create moderate stress which releases neurochemicals, including oxytocin, that intensify people’s focus and strengthen social connections. When team members need to work together to reach a goal, brain activity coordinates their behaviours efficiently. Vague or impossible goals cause people to give up before they even start’.

Give people discretion in how they do their work

Allow people to execute projects and work in their own way. Autonomy promotes motivation and innovation because we can try out different ways of doing things. Recognise mistakes and difficulties as learning opportunities.

Enable job crafting

I’m a big believer in lifelong learning and development in our roles. If you look at your job description a year into your role and you haven’t moved on I can imagine that must be very demotivating! As business evolves and new challenges arise, we have to grow, innovate and adapt. We should be building on our strengths and find new opportunities. Zak found that when companies trust employees to choose which projects they’ll work on, people focus their energies on what they care about most.

Facilitate whole-person growth

Lifelong learning is about personal skills as well as professional ones. Zak argues that high-trust workplaces help people develop personally as well as professionally. If you’re not growing as a human being, your performance will suffer. High-trust companies adopt a growth mindset when developing talent.

Share information broadly

Are your people well informed about the company’s goals, strategies, and plans? Zak found that uncertainty about the company’s direction can lead to chronic stress, which inhibits the release of oxytocin and undermines teamwork. Organizations that share their plans with employees reduce uncertainty about where they are headed and why.

Intentionally build relationships

Zak’s experiments showed that when people intentionally build social ties at work, their performance improves. Managers who “express interest in and concern for team members’ success and personal well-being” outperform others in the quality and quantity of their work.

Show vulnerability

How brave and honest are you?

The return on trust

Zak and his team tested the impact of trust on business performance and found that compared with people at low trust companies, people at high trust companies report: 74% less stress, 106% more energy at work, 50% higher productivity, 13% fewer sick days, 76% more engagement, 29% more satisfaction with their lives, and 40% less burnout.

Who do you trust?

So how important do you think trust is? Think through your key relationships; are they all working effectively? Think about your personal and professional plans for this year, who do you need to trust and who needs to trust you? Don’t take it for granted, build those connections and see how much more you can achieve both personally and professionally.